On Memorial Day, I opted to spend the day with friends. We went to the pool, did a little swimming (well, what passed for swimming since I had my contact lenses in and no goggles) in very chilly water that eventually became comfortable and then quickly turned bone-chilling again, and enjoyed a selection of the worst women’s magazines the media have to offer.

Magazines with tantalizing cover stories including:

• Candid Cameron on Sex, Dating and the Perfect Tan
• At Home With Miley Cyrus
• The Hottest Things to Do to a Man (in 60 Seconds or Less)
• 4 Things All Guys Crave Hearing
• Dragging Ass Lately? New Energy-Boosting Advice
• 9 Things That Make a Guy Worship You in Bed (and out!)
• His Ex Didn’t Do It: The Girlfriend Habit That’ll Deepen His Love
• 5 Signs a Guy is Capable of Rape
• OB-GYNs Tell You What’s Normal (and not) Down There

The last three are my favorites.

“His Ex Didn’t Do It” plays upon every insecure female who spends time asking her “guy” if his last girlfriend was prettier, thinner, sexier, [insert other superlatives here] than she is. It presents that desperate woman with a gift - the magical habit that she can adopt to make her better than her predecessor! Deepen his love! The magazine knows for a fact that the other chick didn’t do it.

“5 Signs a Guy is Capable of Rape” - beyond the (subtle?) ridiculousness of having this on the same cover as “4 things all guys crave hearing”, “dragging ass lately?” and “hottest things to do to a man” this article is a total misnomer/misleading title once you get inside the magazine. Then the article is suddenly, “How a Date Rapist Works”… and segues into “Five Traits of a Rapist”… which doesn’t even make sense. One of them isn’t even a trait (#2):

1. he carefully plans his attacks
2. he is likely a serial rapist
3. he holds stereotypical views of men and women
4. he uses alcohol and/or drugs as a tool
5. he uses psychological dominance more than brute force.

Ah, well. They warn against guys who try to take a girl “somewhere quiet” to talk, who hold their palms down when they gesture with their hands, etc. Basically, as my friend Theresa put it, “just don’t meet guys at bars.”

Last, but not least, “OB-GYNs tell you…” - down there. DOWN THERE? Are they actually using the euphemism “down there” on the cover of COSMOPOLITAN? Didn’t Tyra Banks boldly go where no woman had gone before and introduce us to a mystical world of more poetic and creative terms for a woman’s genitalia - like vajayjay? Really, anything is better than “down there” on the cover of Cosmo. It reminds me of the book my mother gave me when I was in third grade to teach me all about growing up.

Next time, I’ll be quoting from Steven Pinker. That’s who I’m reading right now. And not only to legitimatize myself.