Tomorrow is my final carryover vacation day from 2007. I’m lucky that I was able to take all of those days this month. It means, essentially, that I’ll have something like 20 vacation days this year (I haven’t really checked, but it will be close.)

After a solid night of rock-climbing just a couple of hours ago, my hands are a bit sore, especially my fingertips. I tried some climbs that were new to me and more difficult than previous ones I’ve done; despite my dogged determination to finish them, I didn’t manage to complete them. I’m OK with it in general and I’m not discouraged… but it bugs me because I have some pretty high expectations of myself - unrealistic, as I know and as others have pointed out to me on several occasions. We are our own worst enemies and critics, so that’s no surprise. But my friend did say that I did well from a technical standpoint… I was doing “real” climbing moves and not just throwing myself up on the wall and seeing what worked.

Thus, I’ve decided that a (completely secular) day of rest is in order. So here’s how I’ve chosen to spend this day off: I will get up at my regular morning hour (or 30 minutes later), get ready and head over to my preferred local bookstore. I will sit there, in a soft comfy chair, for about two hours - just reading. Maybe a book of my own, maybe a new one that I’ll buy or even a new one that I WON’T buy. I did that for the first time a few months ago (wasted time in a bookstore without buying anything and read an entire book without any intention of purchasing it) and it felt strangely dangerous and rebellious after having spent so many nights for so many years reshelving books at the bookstore. Books that customers just read and deserted with no intention of bringing them home. I will put the books back on the shelves. I’m a friend to the books.

After this loitering (well, I might buy a tea, so I’ll be a customer after all), I will drive some miles and meet my friend Theresa for lunch. I hear we’ll be going to Fuddrucker’s - a popular burger place I’ve used to break many a vegetarian (sorry, vegetarian friends.) They have veggie burgers, too, but when I crave a burger, I’m craving some medium-rare red meat. I do love my vegetables, too. Come to think of it, I ate an exclusively vegetarian diet this past weekend.

I understand that Fuddrucker’s is not a familiar establishment in many states (and countries, for that matter) - but it’s established enough to be a butt of jokes in the (excellent and underrated) movie Idiocracy. To quote Wikipedia, “the film has achieved something of a cult following with its anti-corporate message and savage satire of the way in which the mass media caters to the basest of human instincts.” It’s brilliant in that way.

Once I am fed, it’s time for another rare experience: going to the movies solo. There are several I want to see and I might catch more than one, depending on my mood. There Will Be Blood and No Country for Old Men are top contenders. I’d also like to check out The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, and if I’m feeling like scaring the crap out of myself, perhaps The Orphanage. Though I hear that No Country for Old Men might have the same crap-evacuating effect.

Sounds pretty good, no?

That is to say, I noticed that my DVD collection lacked its very own copy of “Starship Troopers.” So I rectified that last week by ordering a copy from Amazon… and it arrived today. This is my Tuesday night, kids. It’s actually a pretty smart flick: satirical, sarcastic and chock-full of war and violence (but with a good dose of commentary there, too).

It’s based (and I didn’t know this until about 4 minutes ago) on a Robert A. Heinlein story called “Starship Soldier” that was published in 1959. The book was accused of supporting militarism. According to the Wikipedia entry, “Heinlein examines moral and philosophical aspects of suffrage, civic virtue, the necessities of war and capital punishment, and the nature of juvenile delinquency.” I haven’t read the book, so I’ll buy that. That’s reflected in the film, kinda.
The movie, directed by Paul Verhoeven, takes these ideas and sort of gallops off with them. Being a Dutchman, he joins most of Europe in mocking America’s sexual prudery on the one hand and the glut of depictions of violence on the other (there’s lots of violence that’s almost comical in its presentation, but also some totally unnecessary T&A - funny).

Essentially, we’re somewhere in the future. Earth is at war with a race of giant “bugs” on another planet. The movie opens with a military propaganda/recruitment film that goes from a segment of kids saying they’re doing their part (stomping on bugs in the street) to graphic scenes of soldiers literally getting ripped apart by the enemy bugs. Our protagonists, are high school kids who are taking their standardized tests and excited when they score well because it means they can go to the college of their choice - or enlist in the armed forces. Already, their test scores dictate whether they’ll be expendable infantry or higher level pilots or military intelligence.

One classroom scene really gives you a sense of the tone of the film. The history teacher, Jean Rasczak, is also a military commander who lost an arm (I’ll be sure in a minute) while serving his country. I’ve copied and pasted a portion of the script:

RASCZAK: Here in History and Moral Philosophy we’ve explored the decline of Democracy when social scientists brought the world to the brink of chaos, and how the veterans took control and imposed a stability that has lasted for generations since… You know these facts but have I taught you anything of value ? You. Why are only citizens allowed to vote ? Rasczak points at LANNY, 17, with his stump

LANNY:It’s a reward… what the Federation gives you for doing Federal Service.

Rasczak is crestfallen, makes a big show of patience.

RASCZAK: No. Something given has no value! Haven’t I taught you dimwits anything?I guess they ought to revoke my
teaching credential…

Laughter

RASCZAK: When you vote, you’re exercising political authority. You’re using force. And force, my friends, is violence, the supreme authority from which all other authority derives.

CARL JENKINS, 18, a superintelligent geek, jumps in.

CARL: Gee, we always thought you were the supreme authority, Mr. Rasczak.

Laughter. Rasczak grins.

RASCZAK: In my classroom, you bet. Whether it’s exerted by ten or ten billion, political authority is violence by degree. The people we call citizens have earned the right to wield it.

DIZZY FLORES, 18, athletic, pretty, no nonsense, chimes in.

DIZZY: My mother always says that violence never solves anything.

RASCZAK: Really ? I wonder what the city fathers of Hiroshima would have to say about that. You.

Rasczak points at Carmen.

CARMEN: They probably wouldn’t say anything. Hiroshima was destroyed.

RASCZAK: Correct. Naked force has settled more issues in history than any other factor. The contrary opinion ‘violence never solves anything’ is wishful thinking at its worst.

You get the idea. I can’t help but laugh at how some of the views presented as satire in this film are actually upheld by many (intelligent) people in this day and age. But I’m a liberal, so that’s not surprising. The movie is clever about the satire, though. It includes a generous amount of allusion to the Nazi propaganda film, Triumph of the Will by Leni Riefenstahl, and the WWII newsreels of old. I wonder how many young folks seeing it were even aware. In the DVD commentary, Paul Verhoeven says the message of the film is, “War makes fascists of us all”, and that he sees the movie as a satire of American militarism.

That was in 1997. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Oh, and Neil Patrick Harris is in the film and he is, essentially, a bug psychic. And tell me his uniform doesn’t scream Third Reich.

Warning: borderline pop-psych BS on the horizon.

I was just thinking back to a time when a friend of mine was completely soured on relationships and was basically bashing all forms of human interaction… and I reminded this friend that “friendship is also a relationship.” While you aren’t physically/sexually involved (in most cases, anyway), you are connected emotionally and mentally.

As a single gal who’s had her share of rough times over the last 6 years (over a year of unemployment due to a company going bankrupt, a car accident while unemployed and uninsured, a crap job taken out of desperation that sucked the life out of me for almost two years, having to move back into my parents’ house, the realization that a lifetime “mood” was actually a condition, not caring enough about myself during that whole time to really focus on my health and the whole self-defeating cycle that comes with depression and rapid weight gain, surgery to remove bones from my hand due to a freak medical condition, etc.) I have realized just how important my friends are. My family support structure isn’t particularly strong or healthy, so my friends are my chosen family (to adapt a cliché).

There have also been toxic friendships. Surprisingly, in the midst of all my craziness, I had some of my most lucid realizations about these friendships: maybe it was because of the way they reacted to my craziness (or didn’t), or because I realized that I was the only one making the effort to maintain the friendship, or because I finally figured out that my unconditional love for my friends (there’s my secret) was being abused. Ending friendships with these individuals (whether by letting them fade away or actually having a straight-up “come to Jesus” confrontation) was incredibly freeing, if difficult and sad.

However, I’ve also been a far-from-perfect friend. In my darkest times, I did a bang-up job of chasing away my friends, whether or not I was trying to. When I felt hopeless and depressed, I chose not to talk to anyone and decided that my friends were better off not having to deal with me. When friends reached out to me, trying to give me reasons to care, to get me away from the crying and beating myself up over minutiae, I made up excuses or didn’t answer the phone or just got so anxious about dealing with people while “in my state” that I literally worried myself sick (nausea, neck pains - the human body really is incredible). In that way, I did chase away several people who cared about me. It didn’t bother me then because I was convinced that they were better off not knowing me.

Thankfully, there were people who were willing and able to deal with me—who put up with my crazy excuses or who called me out on my twisted thinking and forced me to deal with the world. A few of them have told me - now that I’m in a much better mental state - that during that time, they felt absolutely helpless and had no idea how to make me feel better. That’s all they wanted, but I wasn’t making it possible. There was no advice they could give or cheering up they could do (and they certainly tried). I get the feeling that I almost chased some of them away, too.

And today, I read this post on Lifehack.org entitled, “How to Break Up With a Friend” (which should perhaps be titled, “How NOT to Break Up With a Friend” since it offers advice meant to mend, not end, a friendship… with a few exceptions) which got me thinking about all of this again. While it isn’t the most magnificently written piece ever (and I’m really not one to talk, I know) it is a decent summary. There are three things the author names as the “bare bones” of any friendship:

• Communication. When was the last time you actually called up your friend just to ask them how they’ve been or what’s new with them? You may find that you have unintentionally have been calling them up only to ask for something or to just talk about yourself.
• Activity. When was the last time you made the effort to set up a time and place to do something with your friend? Have you been consistently extending invitations to hang out? Carving out time for your friendships are extremely important. Quality time together deepens your bond.
• Support. When was the last time you offered to be there for your friend without them asking you? Or when was the last time you returned a favor they did for you without them asking? Sometimes, people feel taken advantage of when one is giving and the other is always taking. People don’t always realize what is going on so don’t beat yourself up. Make amends and work toward seeing situations objectively rather than subjectively.

I concur. These were all important factors in my decision to end a friendship. There was a friend who only called when she needed someone to listen to her complain and cry about her relationship or “stupid” things she’d done; if I needed any support in return, I got the “oh, cheer up (so I can hang up)” or “snap out of it” response, or anger (really) at not being able to work things out on my own. I tried to make plans, but they were always met with a “maybe” that (I learned) was code for, “Maybe - if something [fun/better/involving alcohol or sex] doesn’t come along first.” When you’re already depressed, being relinquished to the category of “if there’s nothing better going on” is rather devastating. Gee - proof that you don’t count and that you’re worthless. “Look - you tried to reach out, and see what you got?” In the end, I was spending my time and energy on people who couldn’t be bothered to do the same for me. Toxic (just like the Britney Spears song). Also from the post:

A friendship should, for the most part, bring out the best in you. Friendship is a two-way street. One person cannot uphold a relationship all on their own. That is not a friendship. The dictionary defines a friend as “One attached to another by respect or affection.”

Truth, yo. The friends I have in my life right now bring out the best in me. They remind me that I’m not an awful person defined by the things that have happened to her, or the situations she’s currently in and working hard to fix (even if they’re taking an incredibly long time and seem interminable). They remind me that I can be enjoyable and fun, that I am allowed to be human and imperfect (as much as I hate that reality), that they care whether I’m happy or sad and actively welcome me into their lives.

And who doesn’t like to feel welcome?

I realize that posting even a “rough cut” of a Weird Al video places me in very dangerous territory. I’ll risk it.

So, this is the first take of the video for “White and Nerdy.” The entire first take s filmed against a green screen with Weird Al and Donny Osmond - and they used random segments of this take in the final video. Mute it if you need to; the enjoyment comes from focusing on Donny Osmond in the background dancing and hamming it up. It’s really quite impressive how he keeps that cheese going for almost a full 3 minutes without looking like he’s lost his inspiration or energy. And I assume that it wasn’t fully choreographed and that he was simply drawing on his own dance expertise to put that together.

It made me smile today - which I needed.

Tonight was a reunion of sorts with people from my former workplace - former as in “while I was in college”, circa 1996-2000. I was getting pretty tense and anxious about it; luckily, I had a little help from my friends.

Lesson learned this evening: that memories of the past are just that - memories. And that interacting with elements of the past doesn’t have to become a rehash of that time; rather, it’s a whole new interaction with the person you are today. That’s assuming you have grown and are an older/wiser/different person. Most people do undergo some sort of change over the course of 10 years. Some not as much.

The farther behind I leave the past, the closer I am to forging my own character.- Isabelle Eberhardt

Another lesson: we may all be aware that our self-perceptions are quite different from the way other people perceive us, and that the things we fear people will think of when they remember us will be unpleasant, or just things we’d rather not be associated with (ending with a preposition. “This is the sort of thing up with which I will not put.” Erroneously attributed to Churchill, apparently.)

One thing that brings this into sharp/stark contrast and focus is seeing people you haven’t seen in a long time and how they react to seeing you: with enthusiasm, with surprise, with indifference, with awkwardness, with warmth.

For someone like me (who has a disturbingly pessimistic view of other people’s perceptions of her) it’s a scary prospect; but the reality was not as bad as I imagined it. In some cases - pleasant. In some cases - just weird. But nothing bad. Things passed by without incident.

Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter. - William Ralph Inge
← ♣ →
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. - George Santayana

I remember the past quite vividly; it’s a bit of a curse. Maybe I should’ve pursued the enjoyment of illicit substances at some point in my life so that a few brain cells would be lost, taking memories with them. Alas, I was a studious sort and now I think I’m too old for that to be very dignified - or for it to be a good idea when there are important things to accomplish. But I like to think that I’ve learned, grown and changed in ways that matter but, like Mr. Darcy, “in essentials, I believe, [am] very much what [I] ever was.”

So I can subtract at least one source of anxiety from my list. There are many more, but this one can be filed away someplace other than “tension-inducing situations that I will lose sleep over.” Of course, in true “me” fashion, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop (always) and am thinking about possible crap repercussions, but for tonight, I’ll try to let them go.

Aight. Gaslight arrived from Netflix, and I can’t keep Ingrid Bergman waiting.

Another installment of things that I find entertaining or interesting. Yay!

• A reading meme from someone named Eva (not me). I’ll be writing up my version later tonight.

• Hey, Mac users with Netflix accounts! Soon you, too, will be able to take advantage of the Netflix instant-viewing feature on your computers! That’s right - Netflix announced that they’re working on a Mac-compatible version of the online instant-viewing service. Not surprisingly, the thing holding it back has been that Netflix uses a Microsoft-based DRM service that only works with Windows. Gizmodo said it best, “only holdup is/has been the lack of a Mac-native DRM system that Hollywood approves as sufficiently draconian.”

• “Loneliness is marked by a sense of isolation. Solitude, on the other hand, is a state of being alone without being lonely and can lead to self-awareness.” That’s what I’m talking about. Thank you, Psychology Today, for this little article about the difference. I’ve been accused of being “lonely” - but I think my friends would disagree. I like my alone-time, truly, and sometimes I may feel lonely (that goes with the depression, I think) but overall, I think I’m far more of a lover of solitude than a sad and lonely person.

• Cookthink.com: A very cool idea for a site: “To find a recipe based on what you’re craving, plug up to eight tags into our Cookthink search tool.” Some more info in the little screen portion below. I was craving scallops and dill. So I popped those in. It brings up a little cloud of additional foods/ingredients you can click - or not. Submit those and voila - a recipe for Spicy Scallops With Bell Pepper, Fennel and Dill (that does sound quite good. Too bad I’m going to dinner at a vegetarian restaurant with friends tonight.) If it’s not quite what you want, you can click on a “show me more recipes” link, and you get other things in the same “family” - Barley, Zucchini And Tomato Salad With Mint was one of the secondary results for the shrimp and tomato search.

• Smart kids read “Lolita”? - Books That Make You Dumb [site]

Ever read a book (required or otherwise) and upon finishing it thought to yourself, “Wow. That was terrible. I totally feel dumber after reading that.”? I know I have. Well, like any good scientist, I decided to see how well my personal experience matches reality. How might one do this? Well, here’s one idea.

Amusing, if nothing else. Their “methodology” is pretty interesting, too.

• YouAreBeautiful stickers - a cool community art/social commentary project. Their artists/mission statement is:

You Are Beautiful is a simple, powerful statement which is incorporated into the over absorption of mass media and lifestyles that are wrapped in consumer culture.

The intention behind this project is to reach beyond ourselves as individuals to make a difference by creating moments of positive self realization. We’re just attempting to make the world a little better.

Intention is the most important aspect of the You Are Beautiful project in its idea of purity. Nothing is sacred. Everything that has a perceived value becomes commodified. We work extremely hard that this message is received as a simple act of kindness, and nothing more.

Advertising elicits a response to buy, where this project elicits a response to do something. The attempt with You Are Beautiful is to create activism instead of consumerism.

You Are Beautiful uses the medium of advertising and commercialization to spread a positive message.
Projects like these make a difference in the world by catching us in the midst of daily life and creating moments of positive self realization.

Send an SASE (and maybe a few dollars - though they’re not required) and they’ll send you some stickers that say “you are beautiful.” Or you can download and print your own. Adhere them to things, take pictures, and send them in for posting on the site. They’ve done huge wall and billboard installations of the same sentiment.

There. I just revealed the tree-hugging hippie portion of myself.

I’ve just spent an hour or so researching new cell phones (because what else would I want to do on a Saturday morning after I’ve already gone running at 9 a.m.* ?) and I think I’ve decided what my new phone will be when I’m due for a new one in May—providing that it is actually released around that time. I mean, I could wait until July or August, but any longer than that and the small portion of my brain that is a rabid tech-toy junkie will be getting way tired of my current phone (despite the adolescent-like presence of Tetris, Mah-jongg and Bejeweled game apps).

My carrier is Verizon (since 1996, actually) so there’s no dancing with the iPhone for me (which is fine. I’m not that fashionable, anyway). As you might assume from my 12-year relationship with Verizon, I’m quite happy with their service. I can honestly say that the only places I’ve had a drop-off in reception have been:

• The wilds of New Hampshire - parts where you can’t even pick up a radio station clearly
• The former bomb-shelters now used as classrooms in NYU’s Stern Building (hell, they might not even be used as classrooms anymore. This was my experience when I had classes in that building in 1999 and 2000)
• In a tunnel during my train ride home. Sometimes the signal doesn’t drop off, but it has one more than one occasion, so it makes this list.
• A small stretch of road in a nearby town where reception inexplicably drops off for everyone I know on every carrier in this area. It’s just “that dead zone.”

But I know that for lots of people (granted, they are generally people who have careers involving a great deal more responsibility, international travel and larger salaries than mine), the whole CDMA thing is crippling (”I can’t use my phone in London??? No SIM card?? Inconceivable!“) so I understand the issues with Verizon there. However, the only time I travel internationally is for leisure, and if I ever decide that I need a mobile phone while abroad, I can just pick up a cheap pre-paid deal while overseas. That makes a bit more sense in my case.

Anyway - the phone. I looked at a few of the BlackBerry models Verizon offers and while they are nice, I don’t think I need to make that leap yet. They’ve got their BlackBerry World Phone that works on both GSM and CDMA networks, but that’s also perhaps a bit more smartphone-ish than what I need (it would be kinda like giving me a Bugatti Veyron to drive to the train station and back - not that I’d refuse that).

I want: decent web-browsing and email capabilities. Bluetooth is nice, too. QWERTY keyboard definitely. And a bit of style.

PhoneArena.com tipped me off to the upcoming phone offering from Verizon - the Samsung SCH-U940. It’s the CDMA version of the Samsung SGH-F700, which is available in Europe and Asia. The specs on that one are pretty OK for me (and while there will be some changes coming over to the States/CDMA, it should be fine).

I found some photos of the SGH-F700 “in action” (including the one at left) which confirm that it’s got the style factor. It is a slide phone, so there’s a QWERTY keyboard underneath that screen if you slide it open and rotate it 90°.

So this might be it. I’ve had a Samsung cell phone before and I was happy with it in terms of the feel of it (had a good heft, felt solid, etc. - I trust that, whether or not it’s a good part of the decision-making process). I don’t think it’s going to be prohibitively expensive; it won’t be more than a BlackBerry in any case.

*I realize that’s not early for most people. That’s early-ish for me. I’ve just been waking up unnaturally early the last week or so - before the alarm even goes off. It’s distressing.

I am looking forward to a day off tomorrow during which I’ll be sitting on a couch with my friend Theresa, watching the entire A&E miniseries version of “Pride and Prejudice.”

And drinking tea. And perhaps eating some biscuits (Oh, fine! Cookies, then) and cake. I deserve the sitting on the couch part for part of the day, anyway, since tonight was a rock-climbing night. I’ll still go running tomorrow night. And I might go climbing again on Saturday afternoon. It’s quite addictive, actually. The way running is addictive to runners, I imagine.

Anyway, post-climbing, my friend and I ate some dinner (at 10:30 at night, but whatevs. That whole thing about your body knowing what time you’re eating is bollocks anyway) and watched an episode of “Flight of the Conchords.” The Bowie episode. Here’s a segment that made me laugh until tears streamed from my eyes. I’ve seen it before, but watching it with someone who hadn’t seen it before brought back the humor ten-fold.

Now I’m going to try to dislodge Bowie’s “Let’s Dance” from my head (perhaps with something like Depeche Mode’s “Policy of Truth”) so I can fall asleep without having a freaky freaky dream of my own.

I’ve been talked down off the MacBook Air “ledge” by my well-informed and technologically über-savvy brother.

His reasons and logic were compelling; the only thing I could do when he was done with his solid list was issue forth a feeble, “But it’s so slick-looking…”

For around or less than half the price, I could buy a comparably-sized, equally lightweight notebook computer that would have a built-in optical drive (CD/DVD), memory expansion, a bigger/better hard drive, more than one USB port, and a replaceable battery (rather, a user replaceable battery).

MacBook Air, while slick, has these shortcomings. CrunchGear has a good (and entertaining) summary entitled, “MacBook AirHead: why Apple’s new laptop is basically useless“:

And the inputs. One USB, one Franken-DVI. Hope you like plugging and unplugging things! It says it’s built for the wireless world - yeah, okay, but that world is make-believe right now. Sure, you could bring a hub along, but this goes along with the earlier complaint: what’s the point of a mega-portable laptop if you have to bring along a whole support team? It’s like a ditzy model-actress’s entourage: you just want to take the girl out, but she has to have her make-up guy, her photographer, her PA, and she’s totally incapable of doing anything on her own.

See? Entertaining. And informative.

Maybe I’ll just focus my energy on cell phone/smartphone/Blackberry research. That decision will have to be made in May, and there might be new stuff on the market by then, but I’d best get myself up to speed ‘afore then.

This is a question I’m glad no one’s asked me at work this week. It means my glasses are an effective way to hide my BLACK EYE.

How did this come to pass, you ask? Well, I did not “walk into a door.” No, sir. I’m either a big klutz (not typically) or just a bit unlucky.

This past Saturday night, I got home late and was walking up the stairs (didn’t bother to turn on the lights; I’m familiar with the stairs. No need for illumination). On the landing between floors, I saw something on the ground, so I bent down to pick it up lest I trip over it. It was a shipment from Amazon (containing my new iPod earphones since my other ones crapped out).

Well, as it happens, I lost my balance while leaning down to get the box. I started falling, but caught myself on end of the wooden staircase railing (image left) with my right hand—and the bone under my left eye. I let loose with some of my favorite expressions of anger and pain, noticed I already had a bump, and went to the freezer to put something frozen on it (corn). That worked OK for Saturday night, but I awoke Sunday morning with a swollen left eye that had bruised up to a beautiful purple shade (the color of royalty and lunacy, btw) all along my under eye region. Stellar.

I switched to hot compresses (chamomile teabags steeped in boiling water and placed on my eye as hot as I could stand them without scalding myself) and did that intermittently throughout Sunday and Monday.

It took care of it a little, but it’s gotten to the yellow stage in the bruising process.

Check it out. NOT AT ALL suspect. I’ve already gotten the Lifetime movie jokes from my sister (and made them myself a couple of weeks ago when my friend had a black eye - but he’s a guy, so there’s a certain levity when you compare a 6′ something guy to Meredith Baxter Burney in [insert cliche TV movie title here]). My sister also says I should tell people she punched me. It would be an entertaining story.

I’m just not someone you’d expect to see walking around with a black eye (short Polish chick who isn’t prone to barroom brawls or catfights). But no one’s said anything, so either they’re afraid that I’ll burst into tears and reveal something disturbing and dark—or they just haven’t noticed because my glasses do a good job of masking it.