I have to be up at 5:45 tomorrow morning and my awareness of that is one of things keeping me wide awake.

I’ve tried all the usual methods for getting sleepy and have even taken some sleeping pills as well - two hours ago, and still… I am lucid.

I have tried counting sheep, concentrating on my breathing, adding up numbers to generate the Fibonacci sequence (I got up to 610 and realized that the numbers grow exponentially larger very quickly and that I would wake myself up even more by focusing on the mental math to get to those higher numbers), and I’ve even cried a bit to see if a lack of emotional release was keeping me awake and to let out some of the stress that insomnia causes.

While it’s not that late, it’s insomnia because I’ve taken a doubled dosage of the OTC sleeping pill and while I feel woozy, I am far from tired or able to close my eyes and drift off.

Here are some non-insomnia related bits:

I read in New York magazine that there is soon to be a Broadway musical version of “Xanadu.” I don’t think I’ll be paying money to see that, but it has prompted me to think about adding the movie to my Netflix queue since I remember practically nothing about it and I have actually seen it.

Universal Studios is forging ahead with plans to build a Harry Potter themed “park within a park” down in Orlando. It’s due to open in late 2009.

I’m going to be at BEA tomorrow, so I hope to find all kinds of exciting new books to read. I’ll be working for a portion of the day, but the rest of it will be visiting booths to check out what publishers are doing, get some free galleys/ARCs/books and generally enjoy the book love.

OK. So writing to clear things from my head and let me sleep isn’t exactly working, but perhaps the increasing wooziness is a good sign. I’m going to give it a go and plop down on my bed.

No comments

Life’s been a crazy crazy time lately. Part of it is actually being quite busy at work… I was there until almost 8:00 last night. And I’ve got an action packed few days coming up since this weekend is Book Expo America. I love it, but it’s quite different to work a large trade show like this than it is to simply attend and gather up free books.

So, onto realizations:

1. I’ve been too busy to listen to music. Hence, my Last.fm playlist over here is empty. I shall attempt to remedy that now.

2. I take care of the things I value - my mental health, my job, my new car, etc. - but I don’t take such good care of things I don’t value at the moment since I don’t like them - i.e. my physical appearance, my body.

3. I don’t know how to bring back the caring since the last few years have been an exercise in beat-down and self-loathing, supplemented by fun external factors.

4. In another few (OK, in 6) years, I will no longer be in the valuable 18-35 demographic pool. I only qualify it this way since we were talking about this demographic range today at work and it brought my attention to that fact more than any birthday probably would. I am terrified that I won’t have accomplished anything by that time and will fall into the realm of utterly boring mediocrity.

5. I’m not talking about “huge” accomplishments like buying a house, earning my first million, fairy tale wedding, birthing children… or finding inner peace or attaining a BMI of 15. I’m thinking about things like getting to a point where I can go to a store and see a kick-ass pair of shoes I like and not have to think, “Well, I might have some money to spend two paychecks from now.” I don’t need to be a millionaire, but I’d like to feel comfortable with my finances. I’d like to get to a point where I can really call what I’m doing “my career”. That will come with time and experience, I know, especially since the unemployment and subsequent crap job set me back about THREE YEARS. It’s upsetting, but I wouldn’t be where I am without that circuitous path and where I am is still quite good (if stressful as of late).

6. While work is good, I really need to re-develop my life outside of work. If my friends aren’t around (and there are about four with whom I spend time regularly) then I end up sitting around watching movies or reading books. I used to have so many hobbies and be so self-sufficient and able to spend my alone time in wonderful ways. Not coincidentally, this golden period and living in my apartment took place at the same time. I have boxes of crafting materials and paint and watercolor pencils and ink and nibs and pens and paper and magazines I’ve saved to chop up and ideas… oh, the ideas… but I can’t seem to get myself excited enough about anything to actually prompt me to do it. I have the ideas, but not the desire or creative spark, and that’s also frightening.

7. While I thoroughly enjoy the Harry Potter books and movies (along with many other serious adult books and films - I admit I’m still plugging through “Manufacturing Consent” but re-read “Your Call is Important to Us: The Truth About Bullshit” today on the train) I am deeply saddened by the fact that the thing I’m most looking forward to this summer is not a vacation but the release of a movie. I’ve become that person. There’s nothing inherently wrong with being excited about a movie, but when it’s all you’ve got going for the summer — that’s pretty pathetic.

8. I’m being terribly hard on myself lately and quite scathingly cruel as well in terms of self-image issues and the like. It’s beginning to affect the way I do my job and interact with people. I was putting my work ID card back into my purse; I looked at the photo and really felt nauseated for a moment since the photo there doesn’t at all correspond to the person I see myself being. And I felt the need to inform myself of this by saying (to myself), “Why are you shocked? You’re a chubby, ugly girl. It’s nothing new.” and then feeling like a f’ing lunatic for that thought, but still agreeing with it.

Well, it would appear that I’ve got lots of stuff I can get perspective on during my next doctor’s visit, since I am finding myself incapable of shutting that shit OFF and letting myself enjoy anything. I know there’s no easy answer and that I will end up having more questions and things to analyze, but at least I will feel better having gotten those thoughts out so I can hear how absolutely ridiculous they sound, because right now they still feel pretty on-target.

No comments

… though I only saw one of them.

“Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” - aka POCAWE or POC3. Lots of fun. Lots of special effects. Good times. There were some unintentionally funny bits, too - like Keira Knightley yelling “Fi-rah!” instead of “Fey-er!” or “Faaar!” (”Fire!”), which is something pirates do a lot.

I was just checking out several of the cast members (non-Depp, non-Bloom, non-Knightley, non-Rush cast members) and there’s a reason many of them look very familiar to me…

Tia Dalma (Jamaican voodoo priestess chick) was Selena in “28 Days Later” and Jenny in “Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story.” Lord Beckett - played by Tom Hollander - was in “The Libertine” (with Johnny Depp), “Gosford Park” and “Possession.” Of course, Mackenzie Crook was in the original BBC “The Office” (as Dwight Shrute’s predecessor, Gareth Keenan) and also in “The Brothers Grimm” (with Jonathan Pryce who plays Gov. Swann).

If you, like me, are a crazy fan of Brit TV (BBC shows, etc.) or more modern British films like “28 Days Later” or “Tristram Shandy”, then you probably know these folks too and might like beans and toast.

NOTE: I started writing this post on Monday and then got really tired. Oops.

No comments

Home life has been quite-a-bit-less-than-perfect lately, so I’ve been striving to be places that are “not home” as much as possible since this past weekend. Working late, spending time with friends, driving around semi-aimlessly… you get the drift.

Thus, I haven’t been too much in the writing way. I’ve been reading and lusting after more books, which I’m being good about and not buying since I have PLENTY I can read right here. Well, re-read in any case - but I don’t have a clear recollection of things that I read 10 years ago, so it’s a good time to re-read those books.

And some of the classics that I’ve read once to have them under my belt (the Western canon and all that) need to be re-read so I can appreciate them now as BOOKS, not as Bastions of Cultural Literacy or Intelligentsia Bragging Fodder.

Yeeah.

My feet hurt from walking around Manhattan this morning in shoes that are best worn with socks when the weather reaches 80-something degrees. Alas, I did not wear socks, so there is tenderness.

Golly Moses, but central air is a wonderful thing.

No comments

I’m just not having a good day here and I want to go somewhere to get out of the house, but I’m just upset and angry enough that I don’t trust myself to drive.

Unfortunately, I live in an area where you can’t get anywhere without a car. There is no nearby bus service to anywhere I’d want to go (especially not on the weekend) and the only place I can walk within an hour is to the center of our town where there’s a foodstore and more nail salons than you can shake a stick at.

So, I’ll get my escape taken care of by sitting here with a book or something. Maybe I’ll calm down enough to leave at some point.

No comments

I re-read Ishiguro’s Never Let Me Go from cover to cover between 11:30 and 2:30. And I wasn’t sleepy during or after.

So I checked through my RSS feeds.
It’s now 2:54 a.m. and still, I am not sleepy.

I really can’t stand this insomnia bullshit.
If I didn’t have to leave for work in 4 hours, it would really be fine.

I’m going to do some yoga breathing or something. If I can’t sleep, I can at least try to relax instead of getting frustrated about this.

No comments

For some reason, this is my Favorite Strong Bad Email Ever. I know lots of people are partial to the “Dragon” one (because of Trogdor - though my favorite details are “a more different ‘S’” and “I said consummate V’s!! Consummate!“) but I smile when I watch this one or even hear it… probably because my siblings and I have been known to bust out in the four-part performance of the “song” featured in the cartoon below:

It’s several years old at this point, but still hilarious. On that note, time for a light-switch rave and some burninating of thatched roof cottages.

No comments

Strange things happen when you listen to Carl Orff’s “O Fortuna” from “Carmina Burana”… while sitting alone… in front of a computer… playing with Dreamweaver and Movable Type and Photoshop, flipping through the O’Reilly CSS Pocket Reference. You get kind of lost and don’t realize how many hours have passed.

Maybe it’s not everyone… just me. Which is fine.

Tomorrow afternoon, I have an appointment with a dentist and a drill and some amalgam. That’s right; cavities. I feel like I owe my teeth an apology. I spent all that time running around taking care of my wrist and absolutely ignored my 6 month check-ups for 18 months. Not that going frequently would change anything — I just have cavity-prone teeth from my mother’s side of the double-helix.

I can take some comfort in the fact that these cavities are very small and forming in tiny spaces around my old (like, childhood old) degrading fillings where I really couldn’t get in to brush well enough no matter how hard I tried. And Listerine can really only do so much.

So that’s it. After that, I’ll probably go home and get straight to sleep (ok, not at 6 at night, but close to it) since I won’t be able to eat dinner tomorrow night until late (or at all).

Best to sleep through the hunger. It will do me some good.

No comments

I went to sleep last night and woke up this morning with the “kickinest” sinus headache ever and itchy watery eyes. The local weather station helpfully informed me that tree pollen levels are extremely high. Not that I didn’t know I had allergies before, but it’s helpful to know that the grass makes my nose and throat horrible and that tree pollen affects my sinuses and eyes. And it’s only the beginning of the season. I can’t wait! This might call for an allergen/symptom matrix with check marks at the appropriate intersections so I know what to expect next year.

Anyway, I’ve tried to get some sleep since the headache doesn’t leave me useful for much else. Then I spent some time online and found some stuff:

• Courtesy of GOOD Magazine (to which I will be subscribing shortly), a short video about how much advertisers spend on getting people’s attention (specifically in NYC for this example):

• And now, a video that only shows us more of what we already knew; namely, that the images we see in photos, ads and magazines have no direct correlation with reality. We’ve all seen, I’m sure, the retouching sites where they show you before and after images of models whose skin has been smoothed, eyes enlarged, hair lengthened, etc. - but the extent to which these things can be changed is additionally scary. (Some of those sites are listed at the end of this post.)

NOTE: If Beyonce’s “Bootylicious” rubs you the wrong way, turn down your speakers.

• Retouching 1

• Retouching 2 - More artistic expression than outright deception. There’s got to be room for both.

• Retouching 3

• Retouching 4 - This retoucher has/had one of the most extensive galleries, but it’s down at the moment for updating.

• Retouching 5

No comments

New computer = high performance machine capable of handling several applications at once, including Second Life. So on Friday night, I set up an account, installed the software, got through the tutorials on “Orientation Island”… and…

I’m bored out of my skull. There’s nothing to do if you’ve got a brain and prefer to be left to your own devices in terms of entertainment. There are PLENTY of places you can go to have free sex (just check off the box that includes mature content and EVERYTHING that comes up in your search will be sex-related… I typed in “penguin” and I got some BDSM group) and plenty of places where people are milling about “camping” or trying to earn money by taking surveys (you visit an ATM and get linked to an online survey or other such bullshit).

Within two seconds of my landing (because you fly) anywhere (and these were not “mature” areas), I was being propositioned by male characters (in French, bad English and regular English). So - it’s like walking into a sleazy bar, really. Or at least that was my gut reaction.

Granted, there might be lots of lovely people out there, too, but from touring the “world” for a few hours, I’m left feeling underwhelmed and bored and annoyed. The software’s been uninstalled.

Also, I’m probably not their ideal “player” anyway - single and not looking, not interested in meeting people, not interested in talking with people, totally unresponsive when propositioned, and not willing to spend my real money on virtual crap. Yeah - aside from my age, I’m absolutely not part of the gang.

So I went back to Photoshop and had a much better time designing a logo for a freelance project and resizing images for the same site. I might take some time now and start working on this site, or a spreadsheet I emailed home from work so I’d have something else to occupy my time this weekend.

Something I found far more entertaining:

No comments