I’m in this crazy beyond tired but totally wired state right now. I finished wrapping my secret santa stuff for work, and tomorrow I’m in meetings… uh… pretty much all day. Which is why I need to be well-rested. Which is why I need to sleep. But I can’t right now. I’m hoping that getting some of the rolling thoughts out of my head will help.

In the category of “cool, but impractical” is this site: iPaperCraft.com. You can print a paper iPod cover for ANY generation/model iPod. Select your iPod, select an image on your computer and the script will generate a PDF for you, complete with lines to cut along for the screen and wheel. I LOVE this idea. I do. The low-tack paper that HP sells to do the same thing costs some stooopid amount of money. But the fact that regular paper doesn’t stick is problematic. The fact that sticker paper sticks too much is also problematic.

I can see that part of the fascination is that you’re using paper (cheap) to protect a $300 or $400 device from scratches. I dunno. I’ll stick with my silicon iSkin for the moment. As much as I’d like to customize the shit out of my iPod, I want to save it from a fate worse than death. Though I saw a brushed aluminum one today that made me go, “hmmmmm.” It’s one of those things. The things that make you go…

Oh, forget it. I’m too tired to pretend that that ever had a CHANCE at being funny.

Goodnight.

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And no, I’m not talking about the treadmill video/OK go song either.

No, I’m talking about my brain not behaving and sort of walking around (anthropomorphically), dragging its metaphorical feet through pointless thoughts and worries which I envision as an uneven pile of those magnetic letters I’m sure all children of the 70’s and 80’s had on the fridge at some point.

I’m getting absolutely, stupidly concerned that my secret Santa gift at work is going to be “disappointing.” There’s my personal standard and expectation; I’m worried that a (essentially) gag gift for a person I barely know is going to be disappointing. I can go creative (and that’s where the anxiety comes into play) or I can just go easy and get a bottle of a particular alcoholic beverage since I know this person drinks. And since giving alcohol as a gift is not frowned upon in our company.

But I’m seriously getting a little… uh… overly concerned with this as some kind of GOAL.

Must stop. Must stop. It’s not happening. Will it to stop. Must stop. Ugh.

Anyway, this morning I was thrown into a tizzy of self-criticism and the like because I saw a homeless person outside of the train station pick up a cigarette butt that was crushed flat from the morning commuters stepping on it. Being a white girl from suburbia who dislikes smoking in all forms, my first (arrogant) thought was, “Oh, how desperate people can be for their nicotine fix… picking up someone else’s discarded butt to pull a little final something off of it.”

Then I felt like absolute SHIT when the woman threw the cigarette butt into a nearby garbage can. It really made me feel crappy. Because she was homeless, I assumed that she was picking up garbage to salvage it. Had anyone else picked it up, I’d have assumed they were going to throw it out. I hate when people jump to conclusions and make snap judgments, especially based on the appearance of things… and there, I just did it myself.

Well, it’s been said that what we hate the most in others is what we hate about ourselves (though I’m having difficulty tracking down the exact origin and phrasing of that sentiment.) Here’s one quote on a similar track, though.

We find it hard to apply the knowledge of ourselves to our judgment of others. The fact that we are never of one kind, that we never love without reservations and never hate with all our being cannot prevent us from seeing others as wholly black or white.

Eric Hoffer quotes (American Writer, 1902-1983)

That general sense of self-criticism has carried through the entire day. Good things happening didn’t register that strongly. Or as strongly as they should. My boss asked me if I’d be willing to present/speak at a meeting on Wednesday since she won’t be able to, and then if I’d be willing to go into Manhattan that afternoon to “supervise” and then approve a recording we’re doing. It’s a nice amount of responsibility with which she’s trusting me. I’m happy about it - a little nervous, but more so about how I’m going to look and if people are going to step away thinking, “Who’s the chunky girl?”

I have to let go of that, though. Clearly, my boss thinks I’ll do an OK job if she’s asking me to do it. What I say to the group at large will (in this case) matter more than whether or not my pants are a size 6. I’ll be sitting anyway. But it’s another inspiration for getting into shape. If it gets to the point where it’s holding me back professionally or personally (and I’m not saying that other people will discriminate - I mean holding ME back, as in my own insecurities keeping me from feeling like I can succeed or that I’m not worth it) I need to take action. It’s beginning to creep into my mind, so it’s time.

I start therapy on my wrist next Tuesday afternoon (w00t!), so it might mark a good time to start on my total body health makeover that I’ve been putting off with excuse after excuse for months and months. I’m not an exercise-loving person so it’s a HUGE effort for me to do something that’s not cerebral (and, sadly, sedentary) - reading, writing, watching a film, working on my website, researching, drawing, working on my ‘deconstructionist’ notebook, knitting - but I need to. It’s another comfort zone I need to break out of. I did it once before and was running every day and enjoyed it and got quite svelte, if my closet full of size 6 and 8 clothes is any indicator. The joy fell out of it when I was working for the hell place.

Now I’ve been in a good place for over a year and have only intermittently made the effort. I’ve grown complacent. Complacency is dangerous — emotionally, mentally and physically.

Yes, I’ll have to go buy a new sweatshirt and jogging pants since it’s freezing both indoors and out when I get home from work (the heating is really low all day, so I’m chilly even when I get in the house) but I can do that on Friday or Saturday. Small steps.

Crud. I really wanted to start wearing my watch again, but the battery is dead. I hear that tends to happen when you don’t wear a watch for over a year and wear a succession of wrist braces instead. Well, I can take it to Fortunoff later this week for a battery replacement. I bought it there, so I get free battery replacements for LIFE. At least I think I do. I’ll check the website. If that’s not the case, I’ll take it to the family-owned jeweler in the next town over (and right around the corner from my train station) and have it replaced.

It’s after 10. Time to cuddle up with Richard Dawkins. He kept me up late last night, so I need to behave myself tonight. Tomorrow is a work day, after all.

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Still busy reading - and finished knitting my new scarf! Photos tk as soon as I finish recharging the LI battery from my digital camera.I’ve also found a certified hand therapist I think might meet my requirements for availability and suitability. She comes recommended from a friend of my mother’s (both of whom are in the physical therapy industry) and accepts my insurance. I have the number written down, so I’ll call from work tomorrow and see if I can get an appointment this week since I’m supposed to be going three times a week for 5-6 weeks. The sooner, the better - esp. since the holiday is a’comin’.

There’s a pattern for a sweater in one of my books that I really want to knit, but it’s a much higher level of difficulty than anything I’ve ever done. I think that I can practice for the next several months and then start knitting it over the summer so it’s ready for the fall/winter months. In the meantime, I’ll have to practice some knitting in the round and other fun techniques I have yet to try.

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My free time since yesterday has been spent knitting or reading The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins.

The book is exceptional - smart, funny, angry, unapologetic, sarcastic - and has me nodding my head and re-reading portions and reading portions out loud to any like-minded individual who will listen.

Allow me to say, by way of disclaimer, that I feel that any belief - whether it’s based in religion or based in apostasy - is a personal matter and that no one should push his/her own belief onto another person. For some people, religion provides comfort and support, and is something they’ve grown up with - essentially, a part of their culture and family. I really try my best not to be judgmental with friends and acquaintances whose beliefs differ from mine. They might also feel differently about how much to spend on a wedding gift or whether or not it’s OK to call out sick when you need a mental health day. These are personal decisions based on an individual’s life lessons, morals and education.

I won’t engage someone in an argument about which one of us is right. It’s fruitless. I will stand up for myself and my beliefs, but I prefer to maintain the laissez faire attitude and just state that I disagree with that person’s beliefs, but that he or she is entitled to them. If there’s mutual respect in that sense, theist and atheist can get along passably.

I wish I could write more, but today’s frigid weather is really bothering my wrist and I’m experiencing some shooting pains in my wrist. Time to lay off the typing and knitting. I think I overdid it. Time for a warm soak.

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So, I took the day off of work today since I have two floating holidays to use up by the end of the year. I went to the bank, went out to breakfast with my friend, and then we went to the mall to do a little holiday shopping.

The hour we spent in the mall was enough to make me want to stay indoors for the next month and a half of this bullshit.

First off, while trying to get to the Macy’s entrance, my friend was following me through the parking lot. I was stuck behind a woman who had to be 180 years old who was driving in the wrong lane the entire time, with her blinker on. I should’ve understood this to be a sign. After winding around the perimeter of the mall, we finally got out from behind the Mummy and parked.

We went inside and stopped at a few places. Here are the notable annoying as shit experiences. And yes, I will name names!

SEPHORA: I love Sephora - normally. I was looking at perfumes and looking for a particular item my sister wanted. They no longer carry that product there, so I was on my cell phone, calling my sister to tell her they don’t carry it any longer and to find out if there was something else she’d prefer. I was ON THE PHONE, TALKING - and a saleswoman sidled up to me and started talking to me. Thinking that she MUST be talking to my friend because, after all, I’m using the phone, I continued to talk to my sister. I saw my friend scoot over and say, “no thanks, we’re good” and then turn her back on the woman - and the woman continued to talk to me. I said to my sister, “Hold on - I can’t hear you. The saleswoman is talking to me.” And I walked away.

BATH AND BODY WORKS: I was looking at the Savannah Bee products on a wall, smelled something that was nasty, and walked away to meet my friend at the register. As I’m walking away, a saleswoman materialized and said, “I saw you were looking at the American Girl line, honey. Can I help you with anything?”

American Girl? If you’re not familiar with them, they are a series of ridiculously overpriced dolls/doll accessories and books meant to represent girls throughout various periods of American history - and now they have modern day ones (”Just Like You”) and baby dolls, too.

It looks like someone thought that I was a much younger girl than I am. Because I certainly don’t look old enough to be someone’s mother, you don’t call a woman who you think might be shopping for a gift for a sibling, “honey.” Or maybe you do - either way, that’s pretty damn rude.

BLOOMINGDALE’S - THE PRESCRIPTIVES COUNTER: This was indirect, but still disturbing. My friend was looking for her a cleanser she loves but which, she learned, has been discontinued. She asked for a sample of the “replacement” product they’re plugging and while the pair of women were chatting and filling up the little dram bottle with the lotion, they were asking her what she likes about the lotion, what she uses, etc. Then the one woman said something like, “well, that wrinkle rescue cream is really the one responsible, you know. The cleanser isn’t what’s responsible for your skin.” My friend replied that she doesn’t use the wrinkle cream. “You should! If there’s one thing you should use, it’s the wrinkle cream.” My friend was very polite and said, “Maybe Santa will bring it.”

But excuse me? “If there’s one thing you should use…”? I should add that this was after she told them how old she is and the other saleswoman said she was the same age. When she walked away, my friend very quietly said to me, “Do I look that old?” I said NO.

The saleswoman who was the same age as my friend had ridiculously teased and hairsprayed hair (think Siegfried of Siegfried and Roy), five different shades of blue and silver eyeshadow striped from her lash line to her eyebrow, and bright fuchsia lipstick. Horrifying. So she looked a LOT older than the age she professed to be.

I don’t like the pushiness and the sort of rabid desperation in stores this time of year. So, I’m going to be popping into two places this afternoon since they’re near my doctor’s office (and small stores in Montclair, so they won’t be nearly as pushy, if at all… there’s more of a laissez faire attitude…) and hitting up the Japanese mall this weekend for some more specialty items.

Right now, I’m going to start working on the gifts I’m making for a friend and for my boss. I can get some basic stuff done, let it dry while I’m out, and then finish up tonight. This way, I’ll also know if I need to buy any more stuff this weekend.

I’m sure I’ll write more later. Last night, I was thinking about the difference between justice and fairness and it might be something I feel like expounding upon later.

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My teachers said so in high school.

You Are 50% Left Brained, 50% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you’re left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you’re right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

And I laugh…

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At this point in my life, I think I’d enjoy my week a lot more if I had work seven days a week, but with each day shortened to maintain the same number of hours in the work-week.

That’s probably just crazy talk based on this lackluster weekend. Today was OK once I left the house and spent some time with my friends, but this morning at home was a royal pain in the ass.

But that’s just how the cookie crumbles.

In good news, I’m able to knit again! My hand is still tight, so I can’t knit for a long time, but I can do it again and might be able to work that into physical therapy.

It’s 10:00 and I need to get to bed.

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If you have 70 minutes, check this video out. It’s part 2 of a lecture by Richard Dawkins - the audience Q&A portion.

A student asks, “What is your view of that assertion - that there will not be widespread apostasy until we find a replacement for religion?”

Here’s a portion of Dawkins’ answer: “If it is the case that people find consolation and comfort in religion, then I’m not in the least surprised, but note that that doesn’t in any way imply that religious beliefs are true. ‘What is comforting’ and ‘what is true’ are two entirely different things. It’s important to get that out of the way first because there are people, I’m sorry to say, that can’t tell the difference between that which is comforting and that which is true. If you don’t see the point, imagine a doctor telling you that you’re absolutely fine when actually you’ve got terminal cancer. There are people that would wish their doctor to lie to them but those people who would not wish their doctor to lie to them should not be sympathetic to the idea that religion has value simply because it is comforting or consoling.”

He addresses a lot of the issues I’ve been contending with myself lately… feeling like a minority, etc. The point he made in the answer above relating to religion providing comfort and that there won’t be apostasy until there’s something to “take the place” of religion is something I’ve often thought about.

Fascinating stuff regardless of which side of this argument you’re on… he fields questions from theists and atheists alike, so it might provide some answers for most people, even if they don’t agree with them.

True, he makes a few jokes at the expense of theists - he apologizes to a student who says he feels insulted by saying, “I didn’t insult you; I insulted god - and that’s a very different thing.”

I went ahead and ordered his book from Amazon right now since listening to him made me want to read it all the more rapidly.

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Someone set the alarm clock in the guest room (which is down the hall from me) for midnight. So just as I was beginning to have those dreamy pre-sleep thoughts, I woke up to a buzzing alarm clock and - for a moment - thought it was 7 am already.

Nope. The moronic inability of some family member to program an alarm clock was the culprit here. And since I am, by far, the lightest sleeper and “best” insomniac of the bunch in this here house, I am the lucky one who heard it. Otherwise, it would’ve been buzzing all night and no one would’ve paid it any attention.

As I was drifting off, I thought of a few things I wanted to write about, but didn’t write down. This always sucks. When I’m that close to sleep and have a brainstorm or noteworthy thought/idea, I don’t want to turn on the light or get up to grab paper and pen to try scribbling in the dark. However, I also can’t stand the sound of my own voice (I haven’t listened to the podcast I participated in… I don’t want to hear myself) or the idea of talking to myself in the dark, so a little mini-recorder is out of the question, too.

Anyway, until I remember what those great ideas were (which I probably won’t) here’s somebody else’s great idea I read about on BoingBoing earlier today. It makes me want to move to Rotterdam — the Vuurplaat section, of course. It’s URBAN CACTUS!!!

They placed the 98 residential units on 19 floors, using the pattern of outdoor spaces to determine the overall appearance of the project.

The slightly irregular pattern alternates these outdoor spaces to create what are in effect double-height spaces. Each unit then receives more sunlight than a typical stacked composition.

My wrist is crazy sore tonight… it’s the damn humidity outside. I guess I now have the dubious distinction of being the youngest person I know who can “feel the weather in her bones.” I can add “hu,an barometer” to my resume.

Speaking of resumes, if a friend (me) who loved her job told you about a position that would be perfect for you in her company, with great benefits, good pay and great people AAAAAAAAAAAAAND if you were currently stuck somewhere you HATE and where you’d been for 5 years or so… forced to work 13 and 14 hour days “to finish a project”… boycotting work gatherings because the company sucks so much… would you dilly-dally a week (or more) before submitting your resume for the aforementioned perfect position? Would you waste a week of precious application time polishing your already complete and updated resume?

Didn’t think so.

I have a tentative appointment with an endocrinologist on February 6th - unless he looks at my blood test results and asks me to come in sooner. I’m faxing that shite over to him tomorrow and we shall see. I’m also waiting for a call back from the dentist; today was their day off since this new dentist I’m considering is open on Saturdays (sweet!) and I should get a call tomorrow so I can set up an appointment for a checkup and cleaning. I haven’t had one since my wisdom tooth extraction in March, so that’s a solid eight months sans dental visit. I don’t like that one bit. I usually do the every six months thing. Grrrr.

Strangely enough, I do like going to the dentist, even if drilling is going to be involved. I don’t fear the dentist. I love the feeling of absolutely clean teeth - scraped on all sides and flossed to perfection. I brush and floss and rinse, but it’s never the same when you do it yourself - much like a haircut or manicure. Having it done professionally is infinitely better.

Oooook. I guess I’m going to try to get back to sleep now… and dream of a visit to the dentist.

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