It’s sort of frightening how quickly I can find myself sliding down the slope towards a depressive episode. Part of it, I’m sure, is that I’ve missed taking my medication for the last two days… and another part of it has been stress. I think that the stress led to forgetfulness which led in turn to missing the medication which now leads to ickiness.

When my cubicle neighbor bid me a good weekend, she asked me if I had any exciting plans - and I said that I was basically planning on staying home, reading and launching the redesign of the site. Since it was raining pretty heavily at that point, she commented, “Well, at least you didn’t have plans that the rain would ruin.” And I responded, “Well, my dance card isn’t exactly full any weekend.” It’s the sort of self-deprecating comment that I find myself making more and more often when an episode is upon me… the crappy feelings I have inside manifest themselves outside.

Four of my friends have specifically spoken to me about the self-deprecating comments I make and told me that it bothers them when I do it… and asked me to stop. I have tried, and I do very well when I’m aware of it. However, I honestly don’t catch myself until later, in hindsight or when I’m feeling better. And I feel regret and shame when I realize it.

I suppose there’s something about getting the crappiness that’s inside my head out that makes me feel a little better. Almost like I’m admitting to the world that I know I’m not perfect, and that I’m messed up and whatever else is bothering me at that point… because I don’t want to seem like I’m all happy-go-lucky and oblivious to the pitfalls and crap in my life. Now that I think about it, it’s probably me trying to rectify the disparity between my external/public life and my internal/psychological life.

When I’m at work or around friends (most of the time) I am positive and outgoing and confident and gregarious and talkative. Emphasis on talkative. When I walk out of work and am in the general public - on the train, at the supermarket, in my room lost in my own thoughts, etc. - I am quite the opposite. I am generally negative, insecure, shy, lonely and quiet. 90% of the time when I get home, I won’t speak another word aloud until the next morning at work. Thus, I get home around 6:30 or 7, will say “hello” to any family members I cross paths with, and will retreat to my room or go out to run errands without speaking to anyone on the phone or in person (save for a sales clerk or bank teller - which is usually, “Thank you” and “Have a good night.”) Then I’m silent for the rest of the night, through the morning, throughout the train ride, on the walk to work and usually until I get to my desk. Even then, it’s email and voicemail and I won’t actually open my mouth to speak until 10 am.

So, on a standard day, I won’t speak at all between 6pm and 10am the next morning. 16 hours of silence. That’s a lot of time to spend alone with one’s own thoughts. No wonder I feel the need to do so much reading, watching movies, website work, etc… I need distractions to get me the hell out of my head, even just a little.

Plus I just remembered my observation about post lengths being directly (inversely) related to deepening feelings of depression. As happiness decreases, post length increases. When I start rambling on like this and feeling, for lack of better term, “philosophical”, something’s rotten in the state of Denmark. I’m going to sleep. I might even rely on sleeping pills tonight if I don’t want to stay up crying tonight.

Tomorrow, I’m going out to dinner with my family since Tuesday is my father’s birthday and we’re all home this weekend, so it makes sense to celebrate sooner rather than later. I have to get in a better mood by then - and do some laundry. Another thing that didn’t help me to feel any better was wanting to wear my jeans this morning and trying them on only to find that I couldn’t zip them up. Maybe it’s bloating… maybe it’s the change in medication… maybe I’m just in a strange in-between state… because all my other clothing has been feeling looser. Ugh.

It’s frustrating. If nothing else, I will consider it to be a great accomplishment if I gather up the will to get on the treadmill tomorrow. It won’t be nearly as hot as it’s been lately. Yes, we have air conditioning, but it seems to be a lot less effective when it’s ridiculously hot outside AND you’re working out. Perhaps it’s psychological - I know that the air conditioning is a lie and a fake climate, and I imagine that it’s warmer than it is.

My doctor says that liars and bullshitters are pretty transparent to me (and he laughs at the idea of any guy trying to use a pick-up line on me - which I tell him doesn’t happen since I don’t go anywhere where someone would have that opportunity - but he still thinks it would be a comical scene since I would apparently emasculate said guy the moment he tried any sort of bullshit line on me), as well as people who are trying to be something they’re not… so perhaps that extends to some sort of paranoia or perhaps I just don’t believe anything to be what it is and don’t accept anything at face value.

So, you see, I’m not a man-hater or a lesbian or frigid. I just don’t like games. And games are the bread-and-butter of relationships. It’s all cat-and-mouse or other bullshit like that.

Perhaps “singlehood” is as much a sexual orientation or lifestyle as being gay or straight or bisexual. It’s the asexual orientation. However, it’s not exactly correct since asexual signifies “outside of sexual” - or alien to it. The prefix a-, if I recall, means outside of or without (which originally meant the same thing)… as in amoral, amenorrhea, amnesia, etc. The dictionary says asexual is “Lacking interest in or desire for sex.” That’s both correct and incorrect - I have an interest, but no desire currently since there isn’t anyone in my life with whom I would desire it… and I also have a huge hang-up right now about getting close to anyone since I can’t see how I could be found attractive in my current mental and physical state… unless someone had a weird fetish for chubby depressed girls.

And chances are it exists - there are amputee fetishists and senior citizen fetishists and fat women fetishists and hairy women fetishists and all sorts of other interests. A pot for every lid, as they say. However, I don’t want to be the object of a fetish or obsession, so there go those options.

Now I must really get to bed. I’m getting more and more introspective and down on myself by the minute. If I can escape into a book, it might help me. That is, if I can focus on reading a book and not wander off into thought instead.

My boss got an email from a friend of hers advertising a sublet/apartment sharing situation in NYC. She forwarded it to me since she knows I am doing the apartment-hunting thing soon, but I had to thank her for the thought and say no since I cannot live with someone - even someone who’s looking just for a roommate and not a friend/roommate. I need to be alone, both for my sake and for the sake of any person who’d live with me. It’s not easy, and it’s not fun.

Any normal person who got home from work at the end of the day to find their roommate weeping for hours with no apparent reason, for days on end or pacing at night and watching movies until 2 in the morning or crying in the middle of the night - well, that person would express concern. It’s not the kind of “I’ll mind my business, you mind yours” situation that is appropriate to the roommate relationship. It’s disruptive and can take an emotional and psychological toll on the person living with you. There’s a book called, “Speaking of Sadness” that I ordered for myself from Amazon which I lent to my mother and which she also ended up buying. It’s written by a doctor who himself suffers from depression - and he talks about how it’s affected his life, his work and his family, but it’s not a memoir. He just uses his personal experiences to supplement case studies and interviews with other people suffering from depression.

A lot of the issues I’ve had with my family these last few years have been related to that - and to the fact that none of my family members are particularly easy to live with, or very understanding of my situation and illness. They seem to think that when I’m depressed, I’m “doing it” just to anger them or annoy them. The first thing they can’t grasp is that I’m not “doing” it… I have little to no control over the when and how and why and where of it. I can’t just “snap out of it.” I can’t “cheer up.” I need to get through it; it runs its course when it runs its course, and that’s that.

I am shutting up now. This mental diarrhea is getting tiresome.

I went back to the store today to obsess over the pink Lilly Pulitzer shoes. They still had them in a size 7 and - lo and behold!! - they had been marked down further to $34. I bought them. Done.

Then I went to Target and spent the extra $ on a new notebook.

Another quirk of mine: I love when it’s back-to-school shopping time. I love seeing the new notebooks and pens and binders and all other types of office and school supplies all over the place. It makes me happy… even better than the feeling I get walking into a Staples or Office Depot-type store.

I walked into Target, saw the big die-cut pictures of rolls of scotch tape hanging from the ceiling and smiled because it meant that THE STUFF was there. And I walked back and they were actually still putting out the various products on the shelves. They have some really cool nicely-designed notebooks and stationery items. I could’ve easily spent much more money than I did. As it happened, I bought a notebook (just one - wirebound along the top, fabric embossed cover, college-ruled… I only ever use college-ruled or smaller) and a pack of gum. That was it. Pride welled up at my self-control.

When I got home, I watched one of my newest Netflix rentals: “The United States of Leland.” It was really good - it grasped my attention and thoughts much like “American Beauty” did. While both movies feature Kevin Spacey, he wasn’t a huge player in “Leland”. Don Cheadle was great, as was Ryan Gosling. I’d never really seen him in anything before, and his performance in this prompted me to do a little imdb stalking to see what else he’s done/is doing. I recommend the movie.

Now I’m going to settle in with my newest piece of reading material: “Cotton: How a Humble Fiber Created Fortunes, Wrecked Civilizations, and Put America on the Map”.

I’m that nerdy. I’m adding this to my roster since I already read the history of diamonds, salt and the penis. Next on my list will be cod or the potato. All these books exist. Seriously.

OH! Almost forgot. Today at work, we threw a bridal shower for a chick who’s getting married. She’s a huge Rick Springfield fan, so some of my co-workers put an ad on Craigslist to find a musician who had Rick Springfield songs in his repertoire and hired him to perform a few songs at the offices today. It was awesome - she was laughing and happy and surprised. I brought cupcakes, someone else brought creme brulee, yet another person brought cupcakes and chips and champagne, etc. We ordered in a big sub sandwich and enjoyed that. It was nice… and one of the reasons I really like my job. People can come together and celebrate that craziness.

Today was a long long day. And yes, this is post #301 of this new iteration of the rants.

Due to the storms and rain last night, there were downed powerlines all over the place and my train line was running on a modified schedule since they had no electric trains running (diesel only) and only had one track available at any time for all the trains operating on the line. So, we had to wait at two of the larger transfer stations so other trains could pass us… thus, I was about 20 minutes late to work.

I sat down at my desk, checked my email and started doing things and just didn’t stop until the end of the day. It really was non-stop… and I left work feeling a little cruddy because I only checked off five items on my ten-item to-do list, and added another four while I was at it. But I did get a lot done, all in all. I went home - on another very full train since the trains home were having the same problems as the morning trains.

Theresa met me at my house and we went out and got some dinner, then stopped at Shop-Rite to do some ingredient shopping, and came back here to do some cupcake baking. I just finished up five minutes ago since, of course, I picked a recipe for cupcakes that required multiple stages of work and use of the big Kitchen Aid mixer (which I love - so I’m not complaining.) They are cream-filled devil’s food cupcakes from the Retro Desserts cookbook by Wayne Harley Brachman, so we made the batter from scratch and baked them, then made a cream filling, then after Theresa left, I stayed up “coring” the cupcakes, filling them with cream, plugging up the cores, and frosting them. Then there was cleanup. My fingers are still pruny from dishwater. I have everything together for tomorrow, though. Carrying the cupcakes to work is going to be less than fun, but I’ll find a way. I have them in cake tins with lids so the icing won’t be damaged… but if I can find a bag in which to place them, that would be ideal.

I forgot to mention a small anecdote from the other day: while at Costco, I noticed a woman in line at another register who was surrounded by a group of children - seven of them, to be exact. A few seconds of closer observation allowed me to notice that all the children were boys, that they varied in age from about a year old (being held on the woman’s shoulder) to about 16, and that they were apparently all children of the woman standing with them. They had the same smiles, freckles, coloring, etc. I can’t imagine the situation at home - one woman, then seven male children, and a husband? Craziness. Additionally, did they plan on seven boys, or were they trying for a girl after son #3 then 4, then 5, etc.?

I got out into the parking lot and noticed a minivan parked not too far from the entrance which had two bumpers stickers - the more pedestrian, “Our God is an Awesome God” (which I have problems with on a purely semantic level) and then another one that was yellow and black and said, “DETOUR” in large black bold letters and then in tiny letters to the right of that, “from sin.” Somehow, I think that van may have belonged to the woman with the seven sons.

Now I grow increasingly tired. I got a little second wind from the baking and cleaning and whatnot, but now I am feeling the pain in my lower back - from standing, bent over the cupcakes while pouring batter, coring them, filling them and icing them… it’s not the most natural or comfortable position.

I think I’m going to go to Marshall’s tomorrow and buy those Lilly Pulitzer shoes. These are the shoes, except the ones I want are in pink with the same brown flower detail. They could spruce up some things I own and they were quite comfortable. Yeah. If they’re still there, they’re mine. If not, I have fewer shoes, but more money.

My webhost was having trouble (filer problems) yesterday so I was unable to login anywhere or access my email or anything. It was most upsetting.

Anyway, here I am. I painted my nails black yesterday and they look pretty jazzy and not really “goth.” I just overlaid them with a coat of Nars “Pussy Galore” which is an iridescent golden pink. The end result it not unlike gasoline on asphalt. I dig it.

It continues to be f’ing hot here in NJ. At work, we had a video conference with our San Francisco offices and they got a big kick out of the fact that it was 65 degrees and lovely there, and it was 98 degrees, and humid enough to make it feel (with the heat index) like it was over 100 degrees here. Icky. Icky icky icky.

I found out that I can make an appointment to bring my car in for service via the Toyota service center’s website, so I filled out the form today requesting Thurs or Friday morning drop off. That way, I will have air conditioning sometime early next week. It will be a bit too late to help me this week, but I will have to have a family member (all of whom have working air conditioning) drive me to and from the train station for the few days the cars in the shop.

Since I wanted to look for some new sandals/work appropriate shoes, I went to Marshall’s after work. I found a cute pair of Lilly Pulitzer flats - bright pink suede with brown flower accent. However, while the price was tempting ($48) I don’t have enough brown in my wardrobe (or at all) to justify the purchase. So I put them back. I tried on some skirts and was instantly upset that I’m not 5′8″ or 100 pounds. The one thing that could cure my broken heart was a trip to Staples. Office supplies have an almost magical way of making me feel better. They feed right into my love of organization, cute things, and paper goods.

$20 later, I have a 2006-2007 pocket-size planner (with hour blocks, week spreads and month spreads), a Post-It magnetic notepad (with a cute blue leaf pattern) and two die-cut decorative Post-It notepads. I use Post-Its a lot at work, and this will make me a happy little worker. Not that I’m not a happy little worker already - but if a $2.99 adhesive notepad will make things cheerier for me, that’s not a bad thing at all.

I got my order from Amazon on Monday and started reading Jhumpa Lahiri’s story collection, “Interpreter of Maladies“, on the train this morning. I waited a long time to read it - basically until the hype surrounding it died down a bit. Waiting until all the press and media attention pass allows me to read a book (or see a movie or listen to an album) unfettered by other peoples’ opinions. With movies, it’s not as difficult to ignore other opinions - perhaps because the text (I use that word in the liberal arts college sense) is shorter and contained to a certain formula. When books are the text in question, there’s a greater commitment of time required to finish it, and you can be affected by things more often during the reading of the book - a night of sleep, a day of work, reading something else, hearing something about it, etc. More distractions → more opportunities to have your opinions influenced and altered.

Anyway - I’m about to start the last story in the collection, and I have enjoyed it very very much. It’s good stuff. I have a fondness for Asian literature - both East Asian and South Asian - and also stories that address living with the influence of two cultures in your life. The stories in “Interpreter of Maladies” capture all that goodness.

This weekend, I really have to get cracking on completing this site redesign. I have this nice template all ready. I just have to transfer all the data into the new style sheet format since the classes and whatnot are different or non-existent in some cases.

Right now, it’s getting very loud and thundery. The heat today is giving way to a cold front and resulting in lots of lightning and thunder… and it’s just started to rain lightly. I’m sure it will get a lot heavier before the night is through.

Anyway… off I go to read some more and then get to sleep.

..leads to introspection which leads, in turn, to sadness.

Or maybe it’s just part of the natural(unnatural) ebb and flow of depression. I’ve been pretty content lately, so I guess it’s about time for me to feel “low” again. I was just telling my doctor that I haven’t been able to shake this, “when’s the other shoe gonna drop?” sensation lately.

Perhaps it was just a harbinger of this stage. Perhaps it happens each time and I just fail to notice it. Perhaps it’s something I need to bear in mind, though I don’t know that it would help since it’s not like I can double up on vitamin C or anything when I feel a depressive episode coming on. The best I can do is make sure I have plenty of clean laundry and movies to watch since I won’t have the energy to take care of myself or the ability to enjoy things I normally like.

At least I have my highly overdeveloped sense of responsibility already in place, as well as something to be responsible for this weekend; I cannot “shut down” because the doggie still needs to be loved and fed and walked.

Speaking of which, it’s time for the pre-bedtime walk. I want to go to sleep soon.

I did some searching to help me overcome the poetry writer’s block I’m feeling - and I came across a great virtual poetry workshop.

It may or may not be helpful or interesting to anyone, but here is the address: http://www.twc.org/forums/virtualpoetrywrkshp.html

There were only a few things I needed to remember to pack for this weekend. Toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, medicine, shoes, clothes, underwear and socks. The basics. I remembered the toothpaste, but I somehow managed to leave my toothbrush on my bed at home.

So, I brushed my teeth with toothpaste and my finger last night and this morning and then took a walk over to the Duane Reade around the corner to get a toothbrush (and a bottle of apple juice, some snack packs of chocolate pudding and a bag of Rold Gold honey wheat braided twists.)

I also stopped at the nearby bagel place and got a sundried tomato & scallion bagel with sundried tomato cream cheese. I also grabbed a bottle of HonestTea honey green tea. That was breakfast. Yum.

(P.S. The fact that the mouse on this computer doesn’t have a scroll button and that I don’t know how to approximate the right-click on a Mac mouse -it’s got no buttons- is making me feel like a motard. Grrr. )

It was already oppressively hot when I was out at 10:30, so I don’t think I’ll be popping out again until Junebug needs to go outside and do her business and then again for her bedtime walk. I must now open my journal and see what I come up with.

I just got back from taking Junebug (the Tibetan terrier) for a walk in the park. Thankfully, it’s pretty cool outside, if getting really humid. She ran around a little and then did her business and TORE back home. She’s been sitting and watching TV with me… since she can’t help me with my NYT crossword puzzles or read to me.

Anyway… I think I might sleep in tomorrow (as long as I am able to naturally) and then walk Junebug, and then head over to a bagel place up here to get a fresh bagel for breakfast. This is one of the great benefits of being in NYC (if only for a weekend of dog-sitting); I am within walking distance of a variety of cool little places. Since it’s going to be ridiculously hot for the remainder of the weekend, I’ll have to do anything I want to do “outside” before noon or after 5 to avoid the hottest parts of the day. Otherwise, I’m perfectly content sitting inside in the air conditioning.

I will need to pop out and get some food, though. There’s a “hippie” grocery nearby where I can get some wheatgrass (ugh - I have tried it and I can say I don’t like it) or just some good organic produce to make a tasty salad. I don’t feel much like cooking or even eating anything warm. If anywhere nearby serves gazpacho, I might hunt it down and get some. Otherwise, I will be getting some fruits and veggies and doing that sort of snacking thing.

There was something semi-interesting to relate, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was. Work-related? NYC-related? Book or music or movie-related? I don’t recall.

However, I am getting tired already. This is not acceptable; it’s not even 10pm yet! I have no right to be tired… or maybe I do. I was rather busy at work and at my lunch at my desk while typing email and stuff. I left at 5:30 and got here at 6:30, and there was a good deal of walking in that hour since I took the express train up here… that was 15 minutes of subway, 15 minutes of PATH and then the remainder was walking. In heat. Nasty heat.

Ah, well. I will go to sleep soon enough. I can do crossword puzzles until I start drifting off and take it from there, I guess. My focus this weekend is going to be on writing in my new writing journal. I have to jot down ideas and words and snippets of poetry. I want to fill a bunch of pages - it doesn’t have to be good stuff or stuff I think I’ll use for my magnum opus… I just need to get back into the habit. This is my goal.

But sleep will come first.

I almost forgot that I had a doctor’s appointment tonight. I napped for a while and then drove over there. Now I am all awake and thinking. That’s what talking to the shrink does. Ah, well. Just when I think I’m somewhat settled (mentally), this monthly visit will take a stick and swirl it around in the sediment of my mind and then I have to figure out how to be still enough for it to settle again… at least until my next visit. Sigh.

It’s OK, though. I will be hanging out with myself pretty much all weekend since I am dogsitting and won’t be interacting with any other human beings for the most part. It will be good; I’ll bring a few books to read, but also a journal in which to write if the mood takes me. It’s going to be obnoxiously hot and humid, so unless the doggie needs to go out, we’ll be staying in the A/C. I have it on good authority from the doggie’s parents that she doesn’t like the heat either and will be content just sitting outside until she does her business and will want to be inside again just as quickly.

Aside: One of the freakiest musical sounds in the world is music from an ice cream truck warped by the Doppler effect. I drove by an ice cream truck, and that sort of music-box sound warped ends up sounding rather twisted and lovely… like something you’d hear in a horror film or as a hidden track on a Rasputina or Nine Inch Nails CD.

Additional aside: I found out from Krys (during the train ride home) that the doctor I am seeing on July 31st is a doctor she saw for a second opinion when she needed back surgery. He was very honest and told her that he wasn’t really a good person to ask for a second opinion since he was the covering surgeon for her primary surgeon, but he did second his initial diagnosis. In any event, Krys raved about her surgeon (who seems to have retired since) and if this guy was his coverage, then he should be good too. And it would seem that he’s ethical and honest since he did mention his affiliation with the other doctor. I’m just glad that he’s closer to my home than the doctor I’ve been seeing. He’s great - just really far away.

Yet another aside: I need to pack for this weekend. I’m thinking that a lot of t-shirts are required… and then a pair of shorts and a pair of pants for work on Monday. I don’t really plan on leaving the apartment much beyond walking the dog. I am bringing a box of cereal. I can eat that ALL weekend and be quite happy.

Here are two entertaining sites to check out:

The Chalkboard Manifesto

and

Wullfmorgenthaler

There was a water main break in Hoboken today resulting in no water and no air conditioning for our building… so they sent us home at 1:30 since with bathrooms out of order and no running water and 90+ degree heat outside with no air conditioning, it didn’t make sense to keep us there.

I took the train with my friend Krys and she drove me to my train station since the next train home for me was almost 2 hours later than hers. So that worked out nicely… and her car has air conditioning!

Anyway… I’m going to take care of some of the work I emailed home to myself. Then I’ll take a little nap or something since I’m really tired today (bad sleep) and I have horrible dark circles under my eyes.