It was absolutely humid and disgusting today. Horrible. Tomorrow will be worse. I cannot wait.

But today was a good day overall. I drove into work, enjoying a mix CD I threw together this morning which contains everything from Nick Drake to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs to Blondie to Bebel Gilberto and Gorillaz. I sang along. I checked my email and then met with my boss from 11 to 11:45 to review our budget for this year… then we left the office to do STORE CHECKS! Yay!

However, since it was during lunchtime, we had to build in lunch and stopped at my favorite New Jersey diner, Tick-Tock Diner on Route 3 in Clifton. That went over well since it really is like a new world for Manhattanites, I gather.

Then we visited several local stores to see how they were displaying our stuff. As usual, I am keeping the where and who private since, uh, that’s just how I roll. Unlike many bloggers in the world - and myself up until October of 2005 - I really really like my job and wouldn’t write anything negative about it. But I also want to keep some details hidden, y’know?

I drove my boss back to the offices and turned right back around to head to the New Orthopedist’s office. I forgot his address, so I called my friend LJ at work and he looked it up so I’d know where to go. Since I still had a few minutes before my appointment, I stopped at Starbuck’s and got myself a light caramel Frappuccino and got him a Mocha Frappuccino - which I then delivered to his office since it was right down the street. I talked to him for about 4 minutes (he told me about an upcoming concert featuring the Yeah Yeah Yeahs at McCarren Park Pool in Brooklyn - I’d like to go, but with this new loan payment thing hanging over my head, it might be rough to find an extra $50 to see a show. We’ll see… though I haven’t been to a show in ages and would really enjoy it… it’s near Polak central, Brooklyn) and then had to leave to get to the doctor and fill out the new patient paperwork.

I have a good feeling about this one; the first thing he asked me to do was tell him my symptoms and NOT tell him the diagnoses from the other two doctors I’ve seen. I talked, he listened, did some palpating of both wrists to compare, THEN he looked at my MRIs. THEN he had some x-rays done in the office and THEN he reviewed those with me and we talked some more. All told, I was in there for about an hour, 30 minutes of which were spent TALKING with New Doctor. Always a good thing.

Basically, the conversation ended thus: yes, I need surgery. Yes, it appears to be Kienboch’s, but he used the nice long-ass way to say it - “Avascular Necrosis.” I felt all special-like.

Before we start discussing the nitty-gritty of what kind of procedure to do, New Doctor wants to try out the last possible non-invasive treatment - that being a prescription non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug (NSAID) called Mobic. It’s for arthritis, which is what I already have in this wrist as a result of the pressure on the bones. I’m taking this drug for eight days to see if it makes things more bearable. I have another appointment in exactly two weeks. I’ve got to continue what I’ve been doing - wearing the wrist brace, icing the wrist and now taking the NSAID. If the pain doesn’t lessen, then under the knife I go. And there are options - the old idea of the radial shortening, the scary concept of fusing the wrist bones, and the strangely less scary word, “prosthesis in your wrist.”

In the meantime, I called the radiology center where they did my MRI and requested that they fax the radiologist’s MRI notes to New Doctor’s office since he wanted to see those. I thought I might need to request my original x-rays from the first doctor, but after seeing the ones he took today (comparing both my left and my right), New Doctor was pretty clear on what is up and what needs to be done. No further comparison is necessary.

Just as a visual - though in words - they took an oblique (read: sideview) x-ray of my wrist. The lunate bone in a normal wrist, from the side, should look like a crescent. The lunate in my right (healthy) wrist is more or less crescent-shaped. The lunate in my LEFT wrist, however, is shaped sort of like a comma with a tumor/growth on one end, or one of the turd-like Cheetos (as opposed to the puffy curved ones.) It was kind of gross to see the difference.

So… after the doctor, I met up with my friend B. and we went to get some food and drinks at a nearby tex-mex restaurant. My chimichanga filled me up so thoroughly, I didn’t get to finish my enchilada or rice or beans. So I wrapped it up and brought it home. We just spent the whole time talking and joking, which is always nice. She’s still stuck working in the hell dimension where I used to work and it’s really eating away at her - draining her energy and happiness and spirit and, for lack of better term, her life force. It’s just awful. So I tried to provide some inspiration by letting her know that there are good places out there, like the place where I work… where YES, it’s a corporation and an office environment, but there are people with crazy dyed fuchsia hair and with shaved heads and all manner of piercings, etc. And no one looks at them strangely… it seems to me (at least) that people are appreciated for their skills and abilities and also their individuality. I know that for B, it’s hard right now to see anything beyond what she’s gotten used to… working where she works is seriously like being in an abusive relationship. You begin to doubt your own self-worth and think that you MUST have done something to deserve this treatment, and that it’s all your fault that you can’t do better. It’s the scariest thing in the world to think about leaving; you fear retribution, revenge, abusive language or behavior (and yes, there are workplaces where this is still a fear) and the huge, looming “what next?” is really rough to deal with since any confidence or hope for the future you might have had is G-O-N-E. You don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I just really wish I had some connection or amazing inside scoop on a great job opportunity for her. Right now, my advice to her is to find something - anything - just to pay the bills. Even if it’s something she’s not interested in, that’s better for her mentally than the day-to-day demoralization she faces where she is. Once that burden is lifted from her shoulders, everything else will shift into focus. At least it did for me… I was an angry angry deeply unhappy person while there… I’m not a ball of sunshine now, but I’m sure as hell happier, by at least 75% (which is a lot for me!).

OK. It’s after 10. I need to get to sleep. I have a LONG day tomorrow, and still need to make a bank run in the morning, etc. I wanted to borrow my brother’s Garmin nav system to bring with me since I’m driving into NYC tomorrow, but I don’t think he’s home yet and I’m not going to wake him up early tomorrow just to ask for that. He’d be most displeased. I don’t want to do that - it’s not something I need, just something that would be cool.

I have my clothes for tomorrow at the ready, and I am going to watch “Funny Face” as I go to sleep.

Today’s cultural note: I just found a photographer’s website that contains some of the most gorgeous pictures I’ve seen in a long time. The photographer’s name is Ahmet Ertug, and here be his site. The picture on the homepage sucked me in. Now I have to see if a print of that photo is available!

Update: The book *”Spiritual Journeys: Sacred Art from the Musée Guimet”) containing these photos is only available in the UK. Boo, hiss America. Why can’t I get this book at my local bookstore???

Today’s complaint: it’s going to be 102 degrees tomorrow and will FEEL like about 110. Ewwww. Nasty. That’s just wrong. Ugh.

The next two or three days are going to SPEED by. Tomorrow morning, I have to drive into work since I’m leaving early for the visit with the next orthopedist (so I have to remember to bring my MRIs). While at work, I’ll have about 2.5 hours to “do stuff” and then I am leaving with my boss so we can visit some bookstores and check out how they’re displaying and marketing products - not just our own. Then back to work and then out again to get to my 3:15 appointment with the doctor.

Once that’s finished (and perhaps surgery is discussed), I have plans to hang out with my friend Elizabeth and get some dinner… and then I guess I’ll get home… only to wake up Tuesday morning, drive in again and then leave work at 3:30 to drive into NY for a work party/event. I won’t get home until 9 or 10 that night, but it will be good. I hope. Just ridiculously hot and humid. This week is going to be up in the 98-100+ Fahrenheit range of temperatures (for those of you who operate on the same temp scale as the rest of the world, that’s 36-38+ degrees Celsius/Centigrade).

Anyway… today we introduced my cousin to the wonders of the Starbucks Frappuccino - she enjoyed a caramel frappuccino, my mother had a green tea blackberry frap, and I had an iced tea because I’m boring (and dangerous when caffeinated.)

Otherwise, my parents and cousin all got quite a little sunburn at the beach, and I stayed blissfully untouched and air-conditioned inside the house. I watched “Sexy Beast” with my brother (who can quote the entire movie verbatim - which is alternately annoying and scary) and made dinner for the family, after I made my sister a sandwich to take to work. I was a regular little hausfrau today.

Now I need only decide WHAT I can wear to work tomorrow so’s I don’t dissolve into a puddle of mushy flesh or sweat. I’d like to maintain some sense of dignity and pride in my appearance. It’s hard when it’s this hot though; sweat marks down the back of your shirt don’t make anyone look “good,” unless you’re competing in a marathon or triathlon. THEN it’s acceptable and expected.

I shall lay out a few options right now.

Today, I spent the day with my mom and my cousin (who’s visiting us from Poland until the end of August). My sister was working, my brother is in Atlanta for work, and my other brother is avoiding my father. Hence, I was the only member of the family under the age of 50 who was available to accompany them on their explorations.

We took her to our local Polish butcher/grocery store and she got some magazines to keep her company (they’re planning a trip to the beach tomorrow), then we went to Montclair and stopped at Montclair Beadworks where I bought a gorgeous chunk of coral to use as a pendant, and my mom and cousin each got some pretty charms and beads and stuff that we’ll make into necklaces later in the week. Then we popped over to Copabananas and looked at all the fun stuff there, THEN went to Doin’ Dishes a nearby ceramics studio) and showed my cousin the various ceramic things she can paint up… so we’re planning on doing that some night this week since they’re open late during the week for “Ladies’ Nights”.

We did some food shopping and then returned home to make dinner. After dinner, we decided to go clothing shopping and I scored another fabulous pair of shoes at Marshall’s - bright pink suede Coach heels, with a moccasin-inspired fringe at the toe. Originally priced at well around $150, they were on clearance for $36. That’s right. I think that bright pink suede isn’t exactly suited for the folks in the usual Coach demographic… so I can understand why they’d end up on clearance. But I’m glad because I scored a FINE pair of shoes.

After that trip, we met my brother at Applegate Farm for some ice cream. I had a small cup of chocolate peanut butter - delicious. Mmmm. I’ve been drinking water for a while now to prevent post-dairy phlegm from forming. So ladylike, I know.

Anyway, since my parents and cousin are going “down the shore” tomorrow, I plan on enjoying a day of utter peace and quiet. I might even go outside and lay out on the reclining chair on the deck and “catch some rays”, read a book, that kind of thing. On the other hand, I might just stay inside with the air conditioning and do some cleaning, organizing, etc. Perhaps take a bubble bath and give myself a manicure and pedicure. I have about twenty pages left in “The Namesake” by Jhumpa Lahiri, so I’m sure I’ll finish that. It’s another great book by her - this one almost made me miss my train stop on the way home since I was so enthralled reading it, I didn’t notice it was my stop… I got up at the last minute and RAN to the door. Crazy. But it’s pretty great when a book has that effect.

Either way, it will be nice to spend a day quietly pampering myself after expending so much energy and mental resources being pleasant and personable to my family today.

It’s quite a drain on a girl.

Now I’m going to watch “The Jerk”, starring Mr. Steve Martin. It’s kind of late, but it’s not a marathon-length film, and I think I can handle it. I’m not terribly tired anyway.

Edit: Here’s a picture of the shoes (from someone selling them on eBay for $99! Ha!). A quick search online revealed that the style is called “Jude” and that the regular retail is $198.00. Coach shoes at 81% off! Sweet!

I just got back from picking up my cousin at the airport. I went there with my mother and father. My father drove. My father does not adapt well to change or to things not going as he planned. My cousin’s flight came in at 9, but it was 9:50 before she got out to the international arrivals hall. We got to the car and left the lot and were driving towards our usual road home out of Newark. The exit was closed.

My father flipped out about not knowing where he is, what’s going on, etc. My mother starts pointing her finger and telling him where to turn - causing him to turn into a parking lot and almost causing several car accidents. So this upsets my father further and they start fighting, and I’m sitting in the backseat with my 15 year old cousin who’s just gotten off the first plane ride of her life, and has been in the USA for a total of 1 hour - 50 minutes of which were in an aiport… and I’m trying to exchange those little, “Get a load of my wacky parents!” apologetic smiles/nods/frowns. Were I not in the presence of said relative from Poland, I’d be reprimanding my parents and calling them children and telling them to pull over and let me drive… and having them curse me out, but at least they wouldn’t be fighting one another anymore.

Sigh. I am tired. They’re all downstairs annoying the crap out of her: “Are you hungry? Thirsty? Do you want anything? Need anything?” The answers are, universally, “No thank you - I’d just like to go to bed. For me, it’s 5 am.” But she’s too polite to put it like that. I’ll have to break her of this habit. Speaking your mind is a good American trait - having some restraint is a good European trait. Combine the two and you’re in good shape. It’s funny, because my father’s as Euro as they come and the man has no restraint or sense of social propriety, or just plain manners. Sigh again.

Well, it’s after 11 and I still need to wash my face, brush my teeth, find something to wear tomorrow and get settled into my nighttime routine. This is part of it, but I might have to turn on the windchimes CD or some crap since I am all worked up and stressed over the last few hours; I’ll need to do some major relaxation or visualization or whatever. Yoga? Breathing? Meditation?

Hrm. The weather channel tell me it’s going to feel like 100 degrees tomorrow and be disgustingly humid, with thunderstorms aplenty. This means I’ll be wearing a skirt. This also means I’ll be wearing flip-flops and bringing work appropriate shoes with me. And carrying around bottled water like it’s going out of style.

I’m going to get a glass of water with lemon right now. That sounds darned tasty and refreshing. I’ve heard that even thinking of the word/fruit “lemon” will make people salivate. It seems to work for me, but I wonder if this is the case with all humans.

I think I experienced actual vertigo for the first time today. I was sitting at my desk at work, and all of a sudden, my computer screen started swimming in front of me. That is to say, I got EXTREMELY dizzy and had to lean back in my chair and close my eyes. That didn’t help, so I leaned forward and put my head in my hands. That didn’t help, so I drank some tea and waited. About an hour later, I made my way to the ladies’ room since I thought I was going to vomit, but instead I just sat on the toilet for about five minutes, leaning my head back against the wall, with my eyes closed and breathing deeply. I started to sweat and felt really feverish and then after a while, the dizziness passed, I went back to my desk and drank water. And I was more or less OK.

In the meantime, Toyota called and told me that the repairs to my car were just recharging the A/C and that it would only be $130. Give or take a few cents. My mother picked me up from the train station and I went and picked up the car. It was nice to feel cool air coming out of the vents, even though it meant I had no horsepower or ability to accelerate.

When I got home, we were getting ready to have dinner for my father’s birthday. First, however, I needed to call the folks at the NY State Higher Ed thingie to settle matters with this loan they told me I owe money on. As it turns out, there was an issue with interest accruing over the past 7 years (since it was a loan from 1998) and then fines and fees on top of that, which is where the ungodly amount of money came from. Thus, this month and next month I will give them $1300 of my hard-earned money and be done with it. I will have virtually no income as a result after the rest of my bills are paid - but so be it. I won’t be going out to lunch or getting my shoes repaired.

We had dinner and then I went to CVS to renew my medicine and get a birthday card for my father, since the one I had just didn’t seem appropriate this year. It was more of a “rah-rah! yay, dad!” card. And he and I sort of had it out this morning, so I thought a “rah-rah” card would be quite disingenuous and basically false-feeling. So instead I found one that said something like, “we struggled through the formative years and now I can say…” [inside] “you were worth the trouble, dad.” And I wrote a little note thanking him for putting up with my trouble… I can admit it and own up to it. I have been far from the perfect daughter, but he’s been off the map in terms of acceptable fatherhood… or as far as you can be without becoming a Lifetime movie or an episode of “Law & Order: SVU.”

There were tons of sappy-ass “Happy Birthday Dad” cards and one especially caught my eye and made me sad. It said:

a father
someone who dreams
great dreams for you
yet accepts the dreams
that you decide to follow
and will always love you
just the way you are
[inside of card]
the way you taught me
not to doubt myself
and trusted so strongly in me
taught me to believe in me

Emphasis is mine. These are not things I can say about my dad. He hasn’t been supportive and he hasn’t accepted my dreams or loved me just the way I am. My entire life, he’s been a proponent of change - and not change for the sake of shaking things up, but change so that I’d become the daughter HE envisions for himself; someone to follow in his footsteps and pay attention to his every whim and wish. To be tall and thin and always made-up and wearing high heels and perfectly put together - a trophy daughter, if you will. Instead, in the past year I’ve heard that he’s ashamed of how I look. SO much for accepting me the way I am and teaching me to believe in myself.

I shouldn’t bitch this way tonight. It’s his birthday - and I should set these things aside. But it always feels so awkward wishing these things because he doesn’t exactly open himself up to it. For example, this morning I was the first one to wish him a happy birthday and I gave him a hug and a kiss. After dinner, my little sister went up to him and said happy birthday and gave him a hug and a kiss. He said, “At last, one of my children said something right.” And I called him out on it and said, “Didn’t I give you a hug and say happy birthday this morning? Have you forgotten already?” - by which I was sort of saying, “so I mean that much to you? You don’t have a favorite child?”

Ugh. Stopping now. There are issues upon issues upon issues in this head of mine. And feeling worthless in general as part of the depression doesn’t make any of this easier to accept.

At least I am moving into the bitterness and anger stage of this depressive episode. That means I’m halfway through it, really. Maybe another week and I’ll be ok (?). I won’t count on it because then I’ll get screwed somehow. It will come when it comes. I’ll wake up and the heaviness will be lifted from my forehead (because I can feel it - it’s like I’m constantly grimacing, except I’m not if I look in the mirror) and perhaps the emptiness in the pit of my stomach will pass too. I could barely eat dinner tonight. I ended up having half of a chicken cutlet and a few slices of fresh tomato with diced scallion, salt and pepper.

Now I’m going to settle into bed. Last night, I started reading One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I am absolutely loving it. There was a great passage I read on the train, and let me see if I can find it… ah, here it is:

“Since Aureliano at that time had very confused notions about the difference between Conservatives and Liberals, his father-in-law gave him some schematic lessons. The Liberals, he said, were Freemasons, bad people, wanting to hang priests, to institute civil marriage and divorce, to recognize the rights of illegitimate children as equal to those of legitimate ones, and to cut the country up into a federal system that would take power away from the supreme authority.

The Conservatives, on the other hand, who had received their power directly from God, proposed the establishment of public order and family morality. They were the defenders of the faith of Christ, of the principle of authority, and were not prepared to permit the country to be broken down into autonomous entities. Because of his humanitarian feelings Aureliano sympathized with the Liberal attitude with respect to the rights of natural children, but in any case, he could not understand how people arrived at the extreme of waging war over things that could not be touched with the hand.“

I guess that’s a pretty Liberal bit of insight there… how can people arrive at the extreme of waging war over things that can not be touched? Wars of ideals and ideas and beliefs and rights and boundaries… even wars over palpable tangible things… like land or gasoline or drugs… it’s just not something I can wrap my head around. I got my new issue of Time today which continues its coverage from last week of the Israel/Lebanon conflict. I’ll read it on the train in the morning so I have a better sense of what’s going on at this point. CNN.com has a very helpful timeline (if you’re like me and don’t want to watch the news because you get fed up with all the pundits and people fighting back and forth about what should be done and not really discussin what is going on and reporting on the matter at hand) that basically lists the who, what and when of things since July 12th.

There’s just too much going on outside of me and inside of me head. I sometimes think I might implode… instead, I’m feeling really dizzy again (almost like I took a Percocet - but I most certainly did not) and I’m going to get into bed and see if that helps.

I went down to the cafeteria to get some lunch and walked around for about 5 minutes trying to see what I was in the mood for.
The answer?
Nothing.

So, I got a salad with some cottage cheese on the side, and some slices of roast beef (real, not deli-preserved crap). I figured that what I do eat should at least give me some energy - so veggies, calcium and protein. I’ve picked at it with my fork, and I really don’t want anymore. I just have no appetite.

Plus, I’m sitting here waiting (read: stressing) for Toyota to call and tell me how much my air conditioning repair is going to cost me. I know it’s at least $129 (plus 6% NJ sales tax = $136.74) to flush out and recharge the air conditioning unit. If they find a leak, that’s where we start getting into the big bucks. I have the money - I just wish I didn’t have to spend a sizeable chunk of what I’ve been working hard to save on something this silly. That’s stressing me out. But it’s necessary - especially since the temperature this weekend is spiking up into the high 90’s again. I won’t be able to breathe in the car without some climate control.

At least I have lots of work to keep me nice and busy. In a good way. You can find insanity or peace in the details; I guess it’s just a matter of your own disposition.

That’s a Gandhi quote. I guess it’s sort of a testament to the power of positive thinking or creative visualization. If I keep telling myself that I will be OK and come to expect that I will be OK, then I’ll be OK?

Why do I doubt that almost entirely?

I expect myself to be a millionaire… but the fact is that I don’t have the cut-throat nature or the dumb luck for that to happen. Yay, pessimism.

I came close to crying at work today - for no solid reason. I just had to turn into the corner of my cubicle, rest my face in my hands and breathe deeply until the burning in my eyes passed. I had to dab my eyes with a tissue, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it could’ve been. I even wore more detailed eye makeup than usual (liquid liner and mascara and shadow) so that I’d be less likely to cry.

I’m going to try not to belabor the point that I am depressed and instead relate two anecdotes from my day:

1) On the drive home from work, I was stuck in obscenely bad traffic. While I was sitting there, I was observing the other cars and drivers and how these people were dealing with the traffic at a total stand-still. One driver of an SUV caught my eye because he was talking on his cell phone and laughing VERY loudly. He drove up past me on my right and then I saw his gas tank cover.

On the gas tank cover of his huge Ford Expedition (14/19 mpg), he’d placed an American flag magnet with the yellow “support our troops” ribbon next to it. ON THE COVER OF HIS GAS TANK.

If I wasn’t positive that the guy was completely oblivious to the irony, I’d be cheering his wry sense of humor. Alas, I don’t think that is the case. I suppose he just didn’t have enough room around his spare tire to display the decal proudly enough.

2) Two words that are pretty important and often overlooked: “thanks, but…”

I forwarded someone an email about a topic I thought they would be interested in and find useful. Rather than writing back, “Thanks, but I already [...get this newsletter, saw this movie, etc.]“, they just wrote back one line, with no greeting and no closing, essentially:

“I already got this.”

I’m sure that a large part of my feeling annoyed about this perceived rudeness has to do with my mental state. I am just anticipating being treated like shit since, past experience has shown me, people don’t like being around me when I’m “this” way. Perhaps I’m doing it to myself. I am crazy, after all. But I think that when you write someone about something you know they’re interested in, that’s a pretty safe thing to do… and doesn’t warrant a dismissive response.

I’ll get over it.

I feel so shitty. Mentally, that is.

I cried earlier - a lot. For no discernable reason other than the general depressive state I’m in. I went out for lunch with my brother and his girlfriend and even then, I didn’t want to be out among people. They went to the mall and I just stayed in the (hot) car because I couldn’t stand the idea of going in and having people around me.

Now, I’ve been sitting here, staring at the screen for an hour or so, just zoned out and not having the desire/impulse/drive to do anything. At all. With thoughts just scrolling through my mind and no way to pin one down to start writing - and just this overwhelming feeling that there’s nothing to say anyway. I’m all lethargic and anhedonic. Especially anhedonic. And just feeling empty.

I’ve already decided that I’ll have to take sleeping pills tonight because, otherwise, I’ll be up for hours feeling shitty and crying and not being able to settle my head on my pillow. I’ll be tempted to write stupid-ass pathetic email to friends, or I’ll spend hours looking at websites simply to distract myself from the thoughts and feelings I have (or don’t have, as the case may be.)

And I’m worrying about my wrist… and my finances (apartment vs. another semester of grad school vs. possible cost of surgery) and my mental health and appearance and how to find some modicum of happiness in all of this… just enough to help me get up in the morning (but not because of work). I’ve said it before, I think. I’m at the point where the only reason I get up in the morning is because I have to go to work and because work is the one place I feel positive and confident and productive and content. That’s not a good way to be - dependent upon work to provide my personal happiness? I’m aware of it and trying to do something about it… find another place for contentment.

It’s just a dull pain all over and inside. This unhappiness is almost physical. Palpable or like I’m worrying myself sick again. I felt nauseated earlier and just had to lie down on my bed.

What the hell can I do? Nothing right now. I can take my anti-depressant every day, I can take the sleeping pills on those nights when I NEED to get to sleep, I can get myself through the days at work… and do the other things I NEED to do. Because there’s nothing that I want to do. That’s a big problem. I need to take the car in for the A/C repairs. I need to call the dentist. I need to see the orthopedist. I need to renew the registration for the car. I need to go to the pharmacy and pick up a refill. I need to get a birthday card for my father. I need to remember to bring my MRIs to the doctor. I need to arrange a payment plan for this school loan. I need to take care of rolling over my IRA into my 401(k) - at this point I’m waiting for a letter to forward to my new plan. I need to finish cleaning around my area of the house since my little cousin is coming from Poland later this week and staying with us for a month. I need to replace the ink in my printer. I need to go to the gas station and the bank and the shoe repair place.

But there’s nothing I want to do, other than sleep. Even that is just a way to make the hours disappear - to ease the passage of time. I want to escape conscious thought, but I am (as indicated in the title of this rant) tethered to the world. I can’t let go of things and give myself and my thoughts a break from all of *this*.

So I cry because I don’t know how to do it. And because the only ways I can think to do it are so antithetical to my personality and manner of being, I get even more upset - because they’re not me. I don’t escape. I am here. I deal with things, but I can’t deal with this. I just keep saying, “F__K IT” to myself. Over and over - in an attempt to divorce myself from my thoughts. I hope that the harshness will snap me out of it. But it doesn’t. I just keep going.

Ugh. Like now. It’s neverending. I can’t find a beginning or ending point - it’s like suddenly jumping onto a racetrack shaped like a Möbius strip. Right side up and upside down run into each other and you can’t tell the difference between the two. And it never, ever ends. You just keep running into yourself and the same thoughts.

No wonder I don’t want to share with my friends anymore, or even my psychiatrist at times. It’s the same shit… over and over and over. It’s boring and tiresome. And it will keep going until I just as suddenly find myself jumping off the crazy track and back onto the straight path.

I need to shut down. It’s almost 10 - time for those pills and an eye pillow to keep my lids shut.

Wow! Now I can share an animated version of what I looked like 7 years ago!

Well, she’s animated if you visit the Meez.com page the image links to. It’s not very exciting. She reads. Standing up. How uncomfortable.

While I slept unacceptably late today (11am) considering that I went to bed at 11 last night, I managed to make the day worth the few hours I have been awake.

I made a nice dent in the cleaning I’ve been trying to do these past few weeks. I threw out two huge (ForceFlex) bags of trash (paper, old mail, shopping bags, shoe boxes, old socks with holes, etc.) and started Swiffering. I also finished redesigning 75% of the site and relaunched it (as you can see if you visit the homepage.) I got rid of some features and am developing content for others - and I might also add an additional feature in the future; a page for photos from my vacation and in general. A photoblog, but not a regularly updated feature.

There was some beautiful lightning and thunder today… and some incredibly heavy rain. I was out with my friend Vin for a short while during the afternoon (a little cleaning break) and we went out for lunch at a Chick Fil-A in a nearby mall. It’s one of the most senseless names… almost insulting in a sense; is it really necessary to change “filet” into “fil-a” so people say it correctly? Secondly, why not add the extra “L” to “fil” so that it seems to be a marketing gimmick? Chick-Fill-A? It looks funny, I know. As it stands, they have 5-3-1 in terms of letters and odd numbers of things are more esthetically pleasing. They’re a little weird to begin with - they don’t operate their franchise/chain on Sundays. They’re pretty seriously religious. Here’s some info from the website:

Our official statement of corporate purpose says that we exist “to glorify God by being a faithful steward of all that is entrusted to us and to have a positive influence on all who come in contact with Chick-fil-A.”

Glorifying god through the sale of poultry and waffle fries?
Very well.

Tomorrow my family and I are going to dinner at a nearby Polish restaurant to celebrate my father’s birthday (which is later this week, but we’re all home this weekend.) The restaurant is called Royal Warsaw and it’s quite good. Their pickle soup is wonderful. That will pretty much be the high point of the day since I’ll spend the rest of my time cleaning and cleaning. Oh, and cleaning.

On Monday, I’m going to set about finding a new dentist since my current one doesn’t accept my dental insurance and I think I have a cavity that needs drilling and filling, and it’s getting to be close to that time of year - for my yearly checkup and cleaning.

I’m also going to look into seeing a licensed acupuncturist about my wrist; I have the appointment with the orthopedist on the 31st, but I want to have some info so I can ask him if it’s safe to try acupuncture as a complementary therapy. Pain relief is my main concern right now, followed by regaining my range of motion in my wrist.

There’s apparently lots of maintenance work I need to do in my life. It explains the cleaning frenzy - or it’s a result of it.