I actually stayed late at work tonight… just because I had a lot of stuff to do. It was nice because there were about 3 people there, so I wasn’t interrupted by phone calls or much email.

Anyway, since my train station is close to my local huge warehouse store, I stopped in to buy a new DVD player since my current one crapped out last night. While I was there, I wandered around to see if there was anything else interesting going on (and ended up buying a canister of Laffy Taffy rope which I will be bringing to work to share with everyone - there’s an awful joke inside every wrapper!) and as I walked down the book aisle, I saw that there was some sort of to-do at the end of that aisle, including a large fabric banner about 20′ high. I couldn’t tell what it was since I was approaching it from behind, but then I turned the corner.

It was a huge sign advertising Rip It Energy Fuel. There were employees at the end passing out little sample cups of the various flavors. I stay far far away from energy drinks since they’re usually little more than over-caffeinated, highly sugary crap based in high fructose corn syrup with some token vitamins incorporated into the mix.

There was a young boy - perhaps 9 or 10 years old - standing at the sample table with his mother and grandmother. The little boy was obese - not fat, not chubby, but obese. He was only a few inches shorter than I, but was already about 3 times my circumference (and I’m not a thin chick.) He was wearing an orange t-shirt and it was really sort of frightening and simultaneously heartbreaking to see how much he resembled the actual fruit - his abdomen was almost perfectly spherical. His mother was also an extremely heavy woman; based on my own height, weight and appearance, I’d say she probably weighed about 400 pounds. The grandmother was not as heavy, but had a lot of weight in her stomach/belly region, which is an extremely unhealthy place in which to carry that extra weight, especially for a woman.

Now that I’ve set up the characters, here’s the story. The boy was standing at the end of the table and tried a sample cup of each of the three flavors they were sampling. His mother was talking to the employee handing out samples and asking if she could buy a case of the drinks (in cans), but make it an assortment of the three flavors her son was trying. While she was chatting with the employee, her son was throwing back those samples and repeating, loudly, “It tastes just like soda, mom! It tastes just like soda!”

I had to resist the urge to say, “The last thing your son needs is soda, and it would seem that that’s all he gets to drink.” For some reason, it really disturbed me. He kept repeating it until his mother responded and said, “We’re getting some so you can take it to camp with you.”

The other thing that popped into my mind there was that unless this child is participating in a highly strenuous exercise routine, he really doesn’t need an “energy drink.” These things are really reserved for people who are so physically active that they actually NEED calories, and might benefit from having some caffeine in their systems to rev up their metabolisms, etc. According to a WebMD article about energy drinks, “‘For people who are training and exercising on a regular basis, [energy bars and gels] can actually be a useful food item to help them meet their higher energy demands,’ says Lisa Bunce, MSRD”. Shown here on the left, from the Rip It Energy Fuel website, is a sample of the nutritional information. The cans they were selling (which cannot be closed once opened) were 16 ounce cans - a serving size is 8 ounces. So much for portion control. And look! Caffeine, taurine, inositol and guarana.

Caffeine: shown to improve athletes’ reaction time, but it can also have undesired effects such as addiction, anxiety, and a fast heart rate.
Taurine and inositol: “don’t have any special energy-boosting powers, says Moore, noting that our bodies already make inositol and taurine from the foods we eat. Inositol is a chemical found in foods including beans, brown rice, and corn. Taurine is an amino acid found in foods from animal sources.” So why include them? Does combining them with high fructose corn syrup make them somehow better? Just a note: inositol is also used as a cutting agent for cocaine or crystal meth. Nice.
Guarana: rich source of caffeine. Stimulates the central nervous system, much like coffee does.

So… this mother is going to pump her pre-teen son full of an energy drink which is nothing but sugar and caffeine, and then wonder why he’s so hyper and misbehaving (getting loud in public places), obese and unhealthy, unable to concentrate on school work, etc. I just wish that it wasn’t potentially dangerous in this litigation-crazed (and just generally crazy) world to SAY something about it. To say, “wouldn’t it be better to get him drinking bottled water or at least 100% fruit juice?” To say, “Does your 9 year old really need the equivalent of 3 cans of Jolt in his drink?” (Jolt has 71.2 milligrams of caffeine per 12 oz. can - if we multiply out the 102 mg in 8 ounces of this Rip It stuff to a 16 ounce can, you get 204, approximately 3 times 70.) A 5-ounce cup of coffee can have anywhere between 100 and 170 mg of caffeine… so again, the kid is basically having three cups of coffee in a can. Plus the sugar. Ugh.

Why do I care? I don’t have a kid. I drink soda once in a while. I am not thin. Seeing this child and hearing him compare this drink to soda made me think that THIS was his basis for comparison; that he’s probably not used to having “real” food and just having soda as a “treat” once in a while. When I was a child, it was a treat for our parents to take us to McDonald’s and get us Happy Meals and soda. It was a rare occasion to get pizza and drink soda… the rest of the time, it was fruit juice, milk or water. Anything unhealthy was dealt to us in moderation… not forbidden, but not given to us every day either.

Sigh. Oh, well. Not my problem… though it does annoy me.

When I got out of my local huge warehouse store, it had started to rain. So, I tucked the DVD box under my arm and the Laffy Taffy canister above it and made a quick march to the car (I was wearing a skirt and heels, so running to the car in a rain-slick parking lot while carrying a DVD player and Laffy Taffy was simply unwise). This was not an unpleasant rain to be in - the raindrops were, for lack of better description, soft. Sometimes, the rain is sharp and stinging and unpleasant. This rain, by comparison, was soft and warm and fat. It was actually a perfect summer rain… and I wished I was 8 years old and barefoot on the sidewalk at that moment.

I got home and helped my mom make an apple cake for my sister’s graduation party tomorrow. I am hungry and have a headache. I should eat something. It’s almost 10, so I guess that’s why. Perhaps a nice sandwich? Then there will be some sleep.

Sooooo. I wasn’t in the mood to go out. And I didn’t go out after work… I worked and then was feeling tired and cranky and anti-social.

So I decided to try my hand at finding shoes again… WITH NO LUCK. It’s a little more than demoralizing to find that none of the nice/cute shoes I found fit me nicely. At least it’s not because I have fat feet or nasty ankles… nope. I just have wide feet and the shoes I found were all made for narrower feet. Sucks… I felt like crying when I left the store because NOTHING fit me - and I did make the mistake of trying on a few pairs of shorts. They kind of fit me, but looked so horrible, it was making me angry.

When I got home, I popped in my newest Netflix arrival - Sarah Silverman’s “Jesus is Magic”. It’s a stand-up routine interspersed with musical and other such comedy skits. Right now, she’s performing a country version of “Amazing Grace,” and holding a microphone to her crotch and her butt and they are singing backup and harmony (it’s her band members providing voices for her crotch and butt, by the way…)

It’s not for anyone who has any sense of the sacred… nothing is sacred here. For example, she tells a joke about explaining AIDS to her niece and says, “When God gives you AIDS, you make lemon-AIDS.” My generic eva review would be, “It’s so wrong, it’s funny.” More so than “Family Guy”, which I’ve also called, “so wrong, it’s funny.”

She was talking about how much she loves Fiji water… and I felt compelled to look her up on imdb.com. Heh.

She was “born in Bedford, New Hampshire to Jewish-American parents Donald and Beth Ann Silverman, of Polish descent… Silverman attended New York University for one year, but left to concentrate on her stand-up career.” I think it’s just a series of entertaining commonalities - like when you find out that someone else shares the same quirk(s) that you do. I get excited when I find another person who hates creamy peanut butter. So it was fun to find another smart, irreverent chick who likes Fiji water, is of Polish descent and went to NYU. Except I’m not Jewish, tall and thin, famous, as funny, as irreverent, dating Jimmy Kimmel and don’t have my own DVD.

Now I might go find something to eat. I didn’t have dinner and only had a salad for lunch, so perhaps I will have a bowl of cereal.

Rumor has it that we’ll be getting out of work early tomorrow; everyone was waiting for the email from the CEO today, but it might come tomorrow morning. I don’t know if that will mean a half-day (12:30) or just an earlier day (3:00?)… but we have Monday and Tuesday off, so I’m actually OK with a full day tomorrow. I have enough work to fill it. I should check the train schedule just in case so I know what my options are. Actually, I can’t leave early even if we all do… we have a podcast recording from 1 to 3, and I have to be there for that. Nevermind. It all works out.

You know, I’m almost tempted to go out and get myself some Chicken McNuggets. I won’t, but it’s pretty sad that I’m craving them. I could go to the supermarket and get a new cereal… I am quite influenced by commercials for new things. I saw a commercial for All-Bran Yogurt Bites. All-Bran flakes with yogurt cluster things - 40% of your daily fiber in a serving!!! I’d rock that. However, I find that I am too tired to go… and that the prospect of asking family members to move their cars out of the way so I can go buy cereal is just overwhelming at this moment in time. I want to sleep.

I had SUCH a good day until I got home.
Work was good… driving around errand-running was good… going to Century 21 with Theresa (although I didn’t buy a single thing) was good.

DIGRESSION: We went to Century 21 in Morristown today with the express purpose of shoe-shopping. I wanted to do a little celebratory spree. I was ready to come home with multiple shopping bags. I was. But I found nothing… not a pair of shoes or a wallet or jewelry that was irresistible. Theresa, who hadn’t planned on buying anything, ended up with a dress, a bathing suit and some hosiery. She also found a cute pink clutch purse AND found that the Kate Spade purse she’d been lusting after was on clearance for 50% off… from $200+change to just over $100. She displayed admirable self-control and only bought the dress, bathing suit and hosiery.

It’s some law of the shopping universe: when you walk into a store with the intention of purchasing something specific or with a nice wad of cash to spend, you won’t find a thing to buy. It’ll be like “Brewster’s Millions” - you can’t seem to get rid of the money no matter how you try (and you don’t have that “no asset” caveat either). It’s sort of disheartening; walking in ready to consume and not being able to consume. At this moment, I can feel the pain of Captain Barbossa (played by Geoffrey Rush) when he speaks these lines:

For too long have I been parched of thirst yet unable to quench it.
Too long I’ve been starving to death and haven’t died.

However, if you walk into a store not intending to buy anything, OR if you walk into a store when you have no money to spend,that’s when you’ll find shoes that are gorgeous and comfortable, clothing that fits you perfectly, great accessories and amazing things on sale. Of course, in each case - it will be the last piece of that item in your size or color, thus removing the “I can come back later” excuse from your brain. It’s hard. I’ve learned to mourn these things briefly and move on.

Then I drove home in the car, enjoying the “cooler” 87 degree temperature. Note - the car doesn’t have functional air conditioning at the present, until next week when I take it to the shop. I got home. My father and mother were basically waiting for me, and started interrogating me as to where I was the whole time and why didn’t I call, “we were worrying”, etc. They ended up fighting about it since my father whipped out the, “as long as you live under this roof…” card… and my mother argued that point since, um, it was 8:30. Though she did take time out later to give me the, “it’s different because you’re a girl and things are more dangerous.”

It was 8:30. I am 28. WHETHER OR NOT I CAN AFFORD TO DO IT RIGHT NOW, I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE ASAP. It won’t end until I’m not under this roof in any way anymore.

I will figure this out and it will happen. Sigh. I’m the only one who can change this. They’re not going to change the way they act or think of me - it’s time to get out again. There has to be a way to manage it all… lots of people do it with less money. True, I have debts to pay off, but I have to find balance and work it out so I can still be responsible for those but also get out on my own again.

Season 3 of “The Golden Girls” arrived from Netflix today… it contains one of my favorite episodes: where a little girl scout (not a Girl Scout) does some work for the girls. Blanche gives her Rose’s teddy bear Fernando as ‘payment’. When Rose learns that the bear is missing, she freaks out since he’s been her ‘friend’ since childhood. Dorothy and Blanche try to get the bear back from the girl, but she’s holding him for ransom - sends them a cut-off bear ear, demands a bicycle and eventually cash in return for the bear. Finally, she comes to the house to get ransom from Blanche and Rose is there; Rose gives the girl a speech about the unfairness of life, and how she’s willing to accept that her time with Fernando has come to an end. Then she pulls the bear out of the girl’s hands and shoves her out the front door. Classic.

OK. I can relax. That’s not permission I’m granting myself, but just stating that it’s something I have the ability to do. I’ve cooled down from the arguing earlier. It’s almost 11:00. Need sleep. Let me share one thing: http://www.bravia-advert.com/. I saw this commercial for about 2 seconds on BBC World while I was sick in bed in Tunisia. I didn’t know what it was for, or who was performing the song… but it came across my path tonight when I was browsing sites using Stumbleupon. Finally! Now I know who performs the song and what it’s called and I can check iTunes and buy it.

I can also take my jar of change to the Coinstar machine at some point and exchange the change for an iTunes or Amazon.com gift certificate (and not have to pay the “service” fee). That’s a smart idea. I wonder who came up with those partnerships and arranged that magic.

Tomorrow after work, I am supposed to go into NYC for drinks with some work-folk. Thus, I have to allow some time in the morning to stop at the bank and get cash for drinks, food and incidentals (public transportation or recharging my Metrocard, anyway). Yes, you might say that this is one area where I could trim the fat, so to speak, with spending money.

However, the truth is that I don’t get out much for socializing, especially in a group. I don’t have to spend a ton of money (I’m a one-drink girl). This is the perfect opportunity: going out with work-folk is good because I like these people and want to get to know them better (since I am still sort of the new kid and technically in a different department, though I work with all of them). I often think that I need to extend my sphere of acquaintances; they might turn into friends.

iPod is charging, a/c is running, and I am going to go brush my teeth.

Since I’m noticing a connection between loquaciousness and insomnia (that is to say that when I have a lot to write about, my mind is apparently busy and will, therefore, not give me an easy time about going to sleep) I’m trying an experiment, though I think I started it too late tonight.

When I find myself particularly inspired to write, I’m going to take that as a sign that the brain is in overdrive and that I should take a sleeping pill at 9:30 or 10 if I want to be asleep by 11 or so, instead of 4 or 5 in the morning. I took one at 11:45 tonight and I’m beginning to feel a little woozy now.

So I’ve been keeping myself occupied by “stumbling” across websites using the StumbleUpon extension I have installed in Firefox. I’m a member of the SU (the abbreviation for StumbleUpon) community… I just haven’t been active in several months since I’ve been kinda busy.

Tonight, it showed me a site called MyDeathSpace - which is a collective obituary site for people who are still on MySpace after having died and whose profiles you can visit to see electronic eulogies. I looked at the main page and then started getting that sort of, “Ugh - this is almost like reading the obituaries for fun” feeling and quickly navigated to my next Stumble… which was Independent Critics.com’s page of the 100 Greatest Movie Posters of All Time.

The site is a little light on the analysis part of the images - deconstruction and the like is apparently not the focus - but there are some nicely selected images, including foreign release posters you might have seen for movies you know. For example, there are two different versions of the poster for “Secretary” - and they really say two very different things about the movie/story. I would like to do something similar to this - perhaps with DVD packaging or book covers - and give my little analyses. However, I’m sure there are tons already out there, written by people who have far more impressive and valid credentials than I.

Be that as it may, it’s another idea to have on the back-burner if I feel the compulsion to start any sort of new project.

Well… I think this pill is kicking in. I just happened to glance in the mirror and my eyes are looking rather glazed and heavy-lidded (they feel that way, too, which is why I looked.) OK. Benzodiazepine-induced sleep ahoy!

Today was chock-full of larnin’.

On the train home, I listened to a Word Nerds podcast about neologisms and technology and learned (much to my embarrassment, since I pride myself on knowing these little nuances) the specific difference between acronyms and abbreviations.

Please, please - friends who know me and might think less of me now that I’ve admitted this. Let me explain.

In my mind - from the teachings of New Jersey’s public school system - an acronym was a series of letters that each stood for a word… like USA would be an acronym for United States of America. An abbreviation was a shortened/truncated version of a word; same example - Amer. would be the abbreviation for America.

BUT NO!!! The very foundations of my linguistic “pillars”, if you will, were shaken. SHAKEN, I tell you. I learned that:

• An abbreviation is ANY shortened form of a word or phrase used chiefly in writing to represent the complete form; for example, U.K. for United Kingdom.

• An acronym is a word formed from the initial parts of a name, such as NATO, from North Atlantic Treaty Organisation, or Commintern, from Communist International.

Thus:

SCUBA = acronym.
RADAR = acronym.
LASER = acronym.

USA ≠ acronym.
ISBN ≠ acronym. (Well, unless you’re one of those people who pronounces is isss-bin, instead of saying “eye-ess-bee-en.” Which I don’t. It’s four letters to me.)
POS ≠ acronym.

I found another website (besides the Word Nerds homepage) which explains the difference between acronyms and abbreviations and ALSO loops in acrostics. It’s fascinating if you are even touched by word nerdiness (as I am).

(Actually, I shouldn’t be so hard on myself since the hosts of this podcast are both longtime teachers and this was news to one of them, and the other explained it to him… so I am in good company. And it is sort of nuanced. Why, then, am I still feeling really childlike and sheepish about it?)

Another term they discussed which I’d heard but never bothered/troubled to look up was “wetware.” It stemmed from a discussion of hardware, software, firmware, etc. “Wetware” is, in simplest terms, slang for the human brain. Wikipedia has a longer explanation. Granted, it’s not as exciting… but I had a moment of “Ah.”

I learned many things at work today, too… but those aren’t really things I can explain without totally divulging where I work, what I do, and other craziness in detail. And I don’t want to do that. However, I got a bunch of pretty interesting projects to work on and several of them allow me to do fun research and delve into the field i which I work a little deeper than I think I ever have. It’s pretty cool - and it smacks a little bit of, “Let’s see how eva does… and perhaps start preparing her for more responsibility.”

In other news, my father just got back from Poland. I went downstairs to say hello, but he wasn’t in the house. I asked my mother, “Where’s dad?”

“In the garden,” said she. So, after a few minutes (during which I helped my mother lug my father’s suitcases into the house) I went outside and found him weeding the garden. I said to him (in Polish), “You come out and look at the flowers, but you can’t even come inside to say hello to your daughter?” He allowed me to give him a hello hug, but then reprimanded me for not calling him when I got in from the airport when I returned… um. Yeah. I got home kinda late that night, and I would’ve been calling him at 4 or 5 in the morning. Ugh. I can’t win.

Additionally, I got a call today from the New York State Higher Education Commission (or Association? I forget.) They were letting me know that I was about to default on a student loan I took out in 1997. I went, “WHAT? What loan?” The chick ran through her records, and I told her that I was at work, didn’t have any of my files or records with me, but that the amount she was telling me I owed did NOT sound correct. I asked her what the loan amount in question was so I’d know what I was looking for and she told me it was $5500. I took out a loan for $3500 in 1997, but not for $5500. I said that to her, and she told me that she had $4965 in my file. That is neither $5500, nor $3500 (unless there was a discount or lots of fees.) So I asked her what the final amount was (thinking she’d tell me something that sounded right…). I heard her typing and then she said, “$10,969.”

I gasped audibly, and told her I would need to go through my records and then talk to someone there to go through everything. She started spouting off numbers again (”I show $6401 and then $4567 [which do add up to $10,968], and I also show $9586…” [???]) and I asked her to stop, give me her name and number, and that I’d call her tomorrow to go through this (since I had to run to a meeting with my boss at that moment.) With the exception of 6401 + 4567 adding up to 10,969, nothing else adds up. I took out a Stafford loan for $3500 in 1997, but after that, the only other loan was through Sallie Mae which I just finished paying off with monthly auto debit. I was denied a Stafford loan for $5500 in 2000, which is why I owed NYU’s bursar’s office money that I wasn’t notified about until two years after graduation. But that’s been paid off, too (that was just over $6,000 with fees/fines added in). I think I’ll need to find my documentation and go through this whole rigmarole step-by-step.

I did some nice deep breathing since I could feel myself tensing up at work; I told myself, “it’s going to be fine” and mentally moved the goal date for moving out to… uh… before my next birthday in April 2007 - since even if I owe half the amount this chick was quoting me, it’s still going to make a dent in my saving-money plan. However, it’s possible I’ll find something miraculous like a nice 1-bedroom apartment near my train station for $800 a month.

As I’ve learned time and time again (at least since 1998), whenever the bottom seems like it’s totally fallen out from under me, things get worse. Then when I’m beginning to sigh the sigh of infinite resigation* and accept that things are never going to improve and reaching all-new lows of pessimism and cynicism, something good happens.

*Read more about Kierkegaard and the Knight of Infinite Resignation here! and here!

Sometimes, though, it just takes an OBNOXIOUSLY and INSUFFERABLY long time… like getting my current dreamy awesome job? It took 10 months of unemployment and then almost 2 years stuck in a hell dimension of a workplace to get where I am. I’d like to think that the long time in between helped me build character. The truth is that “character” has never been lacking in my person. I can, however, state unequivocally that the long crappy time in between good job (2001-2002) and great job (Oct 2005 to the present) has allowed me to truly appreciate what a GOOD work environment is, what makes a good boss, good co-workers, what I need to be happy in a work environment and see how well I do, how I really shine and succeed and ENJOY it when all these things come together.

This is not to say I wasn’t doing well at my previous job - it’s just that doing well there didn’t mean much. Now, when I’m doing well - I hear about it… I hear how it helps people, how it makes things easier or makes something happen or whatever else. I feel effective.

If you’ve read Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning”, you might agree with his findings therein: while he’s writing specifically about his experiences in a concentration camp, he brings his painful life experience to a broader audience and understanding by looking at it as a sort of case study. I can’t quote verbatim, but one of the things that struck me overall was his assertion that when a human being is denied everything, the way he/she deals with life (giving up, continuing living, finding some particle of meaning to make his/her life worth continuing) is a choice.

For Frankl, this lead to his development of a psychotherapy “method” called logotherapy. Quick and dirty definition: a therapy in which the problems are solved by finding meaning in one’s life. You find meaning (and, therefore, happiness), if I recall correctly from the book, through various experiences… sometimes through suffering, sometimes through other emotions like love, and through actual deeds.

For me, the type of deed that gives me a sense of meaning is (generalizing here) “finding the answers”/answering a question. Having an editorial assistant ask me, “Eva, how do I switch the rows and columns in Excel?” is as satisfying and meaningful as having a friend ask me for career or relationship advice and as satisfying as having my boss ask me, “Can you go through this market research and create a profile for X, Y, and Z and let me know what you come up with?”

Whether the task at hand is giving advice, doing research, completing a task to get something done for work or family or friends, I thrive on filling in the gaps where there is uncertainty, misinformation, confusion, frustration, or just lack of knowledge.

Maybe this is why I abhor Swiss cheese. It’s full of gaps and holes and frustration.

Ack. It’s 9:30. I’m going to play Katamari Damacy for a little while and then get into bed and continue reading “Cryptonomicon” by Neal Stephenson. It was slow going for the first 43 pages or so, but I’m into it now… and I’m liking it. Who’da thunk I would like a book about crytography, World War II and crazy math like this? Not I, for sure. But I am enjoying it.

“Katamari Damacy” arrived today and I was able to play for about 45 minutes until I started feeling dizzy from being tired and had to lie down in bed. I am sitting here and I still feel dizzy, so as soon as the clock strikes 9:30, I’m letting myself go to sleep for the night. If I go to sleep before then, I will be getting up in the middle of the night and crap.

I should be hungry, but I’m not. I will gave a glass of water, though, since I’m pretty thirsty.

I actually had some coffee this morning since I could barely keep my eyes open on the train and had a rough time walking to work. Last night’s sleep was short and very shallow… I could tell because my sheets were not moved at all. When I dream and sleep deeply, I move. Basically, last night’s sleep was a nap.

SO… enough outta me. Time to get ready for bed and then get some recuperative sleep.

I just thought I’d mention that comments are allowed, but you have to register. It’s the quasi-happy medium; I don’t get 88 pieces of comment spam asking me to participate in online gambling, purchase v1agra or do other unsavory things, but those who truly wish to comment may comment. I mean, I’m well aware that being a “diary” of sorts, there’s not a lot to comment on most of the time. But I want to invite feedback if there is a desire to give it. Then again, there might be 5 people reading this blog at this stage in the game… I don’t exactly check my usage stats and site counter and live and die by it. This is a selfish exercise… but if other people enjoy reading it like fiction or however we read this new form of writing, then hey - I’m glad. I have a degree in it, after all, and maybe I’ll write a novel someday.

By the way, if you want to comment anonymously (which I understand) there’s a way to work around the registration process. You can use one of your “junk” email accounts (I’m fairly certain everyone has an email account for this nowadays) OR just type in any email address (at) Mailinator.com. From the page:

Welcome to Mailinator™. It’s like super-instant, always-ready, any-email-you-want email. Right now. It’s your personal disposable email account. Here is how it works: You are on the web, at a party, or talking to your favorite insurance salesman. Wherever you are, someone (or some webpage) asks for your email. You know if you give it, you’re gambling with your privacy. On the other hand, you do want at least one message from that person. The answer is to give them a mailinator address. You don’t need to sign-up. You just make it up on the spot. Pick schminky@mailinator.com or funwump123@mailinator.com — pick anything you want.
Later, come to this site and check that account. Its that easy. Mailinator accounts are created when mail arrives for them. No signup, no personal information, and when you’re done — you can walk away — an instant solution to one way spammers get your address. It’s an anti-spam solution for everyone. Your temporary email account will be automatically deleted for you after a few hours.

Also by the way, I can’t sleep. At first, I thought it was too hot… but the A/C is set to 75 degrees. Then I started feeling cold… and I got under the covers where it was too warm again. I started the whole rigmarole of “one foot over the covers/one foot under” and all the craziness we humans do trying to fall asleep.

The TV is off and I am playing some soft piano music from a CD called “Meditations.” It’s not any of the craptastic new age stuff; it’s actually a disc of “classical” music and includes things like “Fur Elise” and “Eine Kleine Nachtmusic”, a few of Satie’s “Gnossiennes”… all the generic relaxing music you’d expect. I’m not saying that disparagingly, mind you - just indicating that it’s the usual stuff. Nothing too complex or exciting because that just doesn’t bode well for sleep.

My wrist still hurts… but I haven’t seen the orthopedist since before my vacation. He’s really rather far away and driving in the heat without air conditioning is not good for me or my allergies. So, I’m going to see if I can find yet another orthopedist within a 15-20 mile radius of my home, rather than 60 miles away.

You know, part of this sleeplessness might be hunger. I realize - in retrospect - that all I ate today was a Taco Bell seven layer burrito and a bowl of Chex cereal. I drank lots of water and lemonade and tea and V8 Splash (that’s the fruit kind - I can’t get behind tomato juice). But I didn’t eat much of anything. I wasn’t hungry and I still don’t feel hungry, but I feel unsettled. Could it be…

Stress? About the future and possibilities and what happens when my credit is bad but I want an apartment? Can I explain that I was unemployed for 10 months and then stuck in a crap-paying job for 2 years? That I didn’t have enough money to pay all my bills on timem but that I have been making payments regularly now through a credit-counseling agency and that things are getting better? Maybe if it’s a privately-owned home or apartment building. Yeah - this is what I’m worrying about. Despite the fact that I know it’s totally futile to worry about it right now since there’s literally nothing I can do about it at 1:43am on a Monday when I need to be sleeping so I can wake up for work. Talking sense to my brain? Yeah… not happening.

Sigh. Too bad the medication can’t take away all my worries. When that occurs, we call it AN ADDICTION, so I’m better off worrying some.

In a way, I’m glad to have the occasional sleepless night; it sort of proves to me that I’m still myself and not some pharmacological zombie version of eva.

Today, since I spent the majority of the day alone with my thoughts, I ended up having a few conversations with people who weren’t there. They weren’t conversations with myself (that’s just crazy talk!) but with people who I am having issues with right now… be they near or far away. I was just angry enough to vocalize the “F-you” and continued talking. Sometimes, to actually speak it and not just say it in my head helps me to stop dwelling on something. So, I gave the f-you to a few people in my mind, indicating that I was sick of their bullshit or “drama”, for lack of better word. Now I can sit back and breathe freely without having to waste precious thought time on them… instead, I can stress and worry about my problems and lose sleep over them! Yay!!! This plans works very well (and I heard Eddie Izzard in my head just then.)

This morning, I painted my fingernails a deep red called “Fishnet Stockings” from Essie. Had I not overslept, I’d have been getting a manicure and pedicure with Theresa and Quincy (visiting from NH). Lo, I overslept. No pedicure for me, but I did paint my nails since they’ve managed to grow beyond my fingertips without cracking or splitting. Is it the vitamins? Is it the Sally Hansen “your nails will be able to split granite” strengthening polish? I don’t know… but I have been good about taking my damn vitamins - something I normally forget do. Horribly irresponsible of me.

It’s almost 2am. Goddamit. I want to sleep. I do. I’ve tried all these freakin’ visualization exercises and attempted to close my eyes and repeat a little sleep mantra. NOTHING. I can close my eyes, but they flutter open. If I put my eyepillow on, they stay closed - but my mind won’t stop. Can’t stop. Won’t stop. Just insert random lyrics here.

I keep repeating stupid thoughts - which I won’t repeat here because they’re that stupid and not worth repeating - and displacing them is proving more difficult than it should be. As is just quieting my mind and focusing on something small and sleep-inducing - like counting goddamn sheep.

Maybe I should just start counting… and focus on the words and the letters. Count the letters within the words for the numbers I’m counting. One = 3. Two = 3. Three = 5. Four = 4. Five = 4. It will get more interesting once I reach three hundred thirty six = 21. Yeah, I’m not nearly enough of a mathematical genius for that to get me thinking about complex theories. It should exhaust my little word-focused brain rather quickly. I’ll give it a shot. Here goes the craziness.

OK. I ditched the pomegranates. What you see above the entries is a piece of a photo I took in Tunisia… at Sidi Bou Said, to be precise.

I played with a semi-transparent color overlay to make things a little easier on me in terms of color scheme and not having too much craziness going on in the banner. There’s a highly helpful color scheme tool around: http://www.colorschemer.com.

It’s OK for now. It’s still not perfect, but I have to play around with some other ideas before I go changing it again. If anyone was browsing the site between 8:00 and 9:30 tonight, you may have seen some funkiness going on as I changed the CSS and whatnot.

Anyway - I’m having a little Vin Diesel double-feature right now. I just watched “Pitch Black” and “The Chronicles of Riddick” just started playing.

I’ve spent today thinking about how possible it is for me to move out again on my own. I think that it might be OK (within the next 3-6 months, let’s say) if:

♣ I can find a place that’s near my train line. I don’t mind walking a bit to the train, but I can’t afford a new car AND an apartment. I’d have to become the chick who relies on public transportation for a bit and eventually get a beater car just to go food shopping, get to the doctor, etc.

♣ I think my little brother might be gearing up to sell his Honda Civic. It’s a 2002, but he just got a promotion at work that means better $$ and might be looking to get himself a “nice” car. I’d have to learn to drive stick in a more functional (as opposed to my currently theoretical) but I can do that. I’d know that the car is in excellent condition… and I can deal with a blue Civic coupe, even though I detest the tail lights. If it really pisses me off, I can get after-market ones… though I would consider that a waste of money at this stage. This is all conjecture; maybe he won’t sell the Honda and I’ll have to buy something used and crappy, although I really HATE the thought of getting another car I’ll have to spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars maintaining.

♣ Other than being close to the train line, it would have to be a place I could afford to pay for myself - no roommate this time around. Partially because I really really enjoy my alone time, but mostly because I’m not an easy person to live with and it’s just not fair.

♣ I have to really buckle down and SAVE. I can do that now. I am finally in a position where I am not worrying about whether I’ll have enough money to get me to my next paycheck, and I’m also not sitting here wanting to go shopping because I feel like crap. I allow myself some spending money and buy a couple of “fun” things each month… but nothing expensive. I think it has a lot to do with being more satisfied with my life in some ways - my job, mainly. I’m not finding happiness everywhere, but I don’t have to buy myself a ton of crap to feel better.

I’m not going to hold myself to a deadline, but I need to be solid about getting this done before the end of the year. I have to consider that I will have to pay for the “expensive” cable wherever I move so that I have the internet connection I require. But I won’t need a phone (cell phone) and I can sign up for the PSE&G fair pay plan (when you work all week and are only home on evenings and weekends - they do a whole flat rate thing in my area…). I would have to buy a couch… and a dinner table and chairs… probably more bookshelves, too, but otherwise, I have mostly everything I’d need to outfit a basic apartment.

SO… an Ikea couch is OK for the purposes described above, as is an Ikea dinner table. I can expect to spend between $500 and $800 on a couch (I don’t want something horribly uncomfortable since it would also serve as a guest bed) and a dinner table will be much cheaper… say between $200 and $400. Actually, they have this retro-looking chair and table set for $299.00. Check it out.

I think I can do this again. It’s definitely time for it, but I just have to steel myself for it… stop spending money on lunch at work and bring lunch instead… work out so I can fit into my old clothes and not have to spend money on new ones.

If there’s one thing I value and prize, it’s my independence; a lot of what’s been wrong these last few years has been a side-effect, if you will, of a lack thereof.

I might have to sacrifice some of the things I’ve grown comfortable with - like central air and laundry on-site - but it’s OK. I have a room air conditioner waiting to be put into a new window. I have a laundry bag and a basket I can carry without embarrassment. And a family I can visit on weekends simply to do laundry.

OK. This is a good thing. I won’t obsess over it, but I can start checking out Craig’s List and other such sources to see what I can find and what I have to plan for.

I almost forgot to mention that La Isla was delicious. Amanda and I both thoroughly enjoyed our meals… sooo damn tasty. We went for dinner which is a little more expensive than their lunch specials, but it was well worth the money. The place itself is small and more like a lunch counter or diner than a restaurant, but it’s cozy, not cramped.

Amanda had Salmon Asado (pan roasted salmon served over spinach and grilled red onions, with rum butter roasted sweet plantain and citrus sauce - $17) and I had Tasajo con Boniato (dry cured shredded beef served with boiled cuban sweet potatoes - $15) with two sides included. I had taro puree and fried yellow plantain. Then we got an order of their bread pudding (with rum and raisins) for dessert, but were so full that we asked our server straight away to wrap it up for us. She replied, “No problem, mi amor.” She was a lovely feisty older lady and was singing along to the Celia Cruz song playing in the restaurant at one point.

I sang its praises to my brother in hopes that he and Amanda will go there together at some point since my brother is always a little hesitant to try new cuisines. He’s more of a pizza and Boston Market kind of dude, but he’s grown accustomed to and even fond of sushi, and has discovered that Indian food isn’t ALL curries, and he likes chicken vindaloo (!!) and loves naan. So, bit by bit, he is learning. Cuban food isn’t nearly as “different” from the palate he’s accustomed to, so it should be something he really enjoys. The flavors aren’t completely foreign, compared to other foods out there (i.e. Ethiopian, Japanese, Indian, Basque, Persian… though I think only Japanese really qualifies as different to my tastebuds.)

OK. It’s bedtime-ish. I am going to finish watching this movie, read a little, and get to sleep.

The pomegranates are OK for now. I’ll find something else.
I had a pretty crappy sleepless night, so I’m going to take it nice and slow today… starting with some breakfast, and then perhaps some hunting around for images I can scan in or otherwise use to design a new header graphic and color scheme. And stuff.

My DVD player is freezing up and “locking” up more and more frequently. I think I will have to purchase a new one soon. Thankfully, those are some of the least expensive home electronics at this point in time.

I will have to check out some ratings, though. This is an annoyance.

And I can’t sleep. So I took this test thingie.

Yup. Apparently, at this moment in time - that’s me.