I just got my grade for my first grad school paper - I got a 95, and that was because I didn’t use APA citation PERFECTLY. Considering that I’d never used it before, I think that’s not bad and I’m OK with it.

I have my second paper for this class due on the 27th, but that’s a group project for which I have my portion of the assignment in progress, but not finished. The first paper for my other class is due on the 29th, and I just started gathering the information since it’s a bit more technical and might require some hunting.

Either way, schoolwork is a good and productive distraction from life.

I’m going to go mess around with the Library of Congress online catalog for a bit to find some information, and then see if I can find some additional information that I’ll need for this paper. Then I can go to sleep and hope tomorrow is a better day - channeling Scarlett O’Hara, you might say.

The universe has an exceptionally well-developed sense of humor where my life is concerned. I’m not saying this makes me unique; there are scores of people whose lives are frought with far more humor and irony, and in much more dramatic ways, than mine.

However, after crying and feeling shitty and realizing I was not going to be able to fall asleep that way, I decided to go online and fill out my “free personality profile” on eHarmony.com… yes, the dating site. I thought that it would either a) give me a sense of comfort knowing that there are people out there “for” me, even if I couldn’t or wouldn’t consider online dating or b) give me a kick in the ass when I saw the “suitors” available and perhaps make me laugh hard enough to get me out of this funk.

Instead, after about 30 minutes of answering questions rather loosely based on the Myers-Brigg personality test, the Jungian personality test and a few others I’ve taken in the past, eHarmony had this message for me:

“eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants to fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.”

It did, however, provide me with these amazing revelations about my personality - while warning me, “Remember, that this profile is a snapshot of your personality at a specific moment. It is not intended as an in-depth analysis of your complete being, but as a tool to aid in self-discovery.”

So here are the goods - my tools for self-discovery:

• You have a strong feeling of optimism, considered favorably by most people around you. Your perception is that the bottle is half-full rather than half-empty. (Really?)
• You have to be with people. This extends into the need to gain popularity, achieve social recognition and influence those people around you. The “bottom-line” is a strong people orientation. (Um. No. Of all people I know, I require the MOST alone time of all… and HATE groups.)
• You have a strong sense of humor. You usually know when to lighten a difficult situation, amuse and entertain people.
• You have a natural, outgoing style that some have labeled as the “natural salesperson.” You are generally likable, talkative and socially assertive. Your primary intent is convincing or persuading people. (Again - NO. I hate doing anything that requires convincing or persuading people, unless it’s getting my friends to see a bad movie with me.)
• You are a natural communicator. You love to talk, offer jokes and make sure that everyone is having a good time. This trait is especially evident at functions and outings.
• You can generate enthusiasm in yourself and in other people. Your enthusiasm, often contagious, involves many people in a social activity who might not ordinarily become involved.
• One of your great strengths is your ability to communicate and talk readily. Since all strengths may be overused at times, you may sometimes talk too much. (Yes - to this I will agree.)
• You show sympathy to the feelings and needs of others. Your natural empathy style may draw others to you. (Not really… I think I’m terribly UN-empathetic and selfish.)
• You tend to enjoy life and share that enjoyment with others.
• You are socially poised and people-oriented.
• You like to gather facts and think things over before offering a strong opinion.
• You are generally good at cooling down tense situations in a relationship.
• You tend to bring feelings of security and stability to a relationship.
• You are skilled at finding “win-win” solutions when conflicts arise.
• You are optimistic and tend to make others feel good about themselves. (Huh?)
• You are very respectful of the needs and wants of other people.
• You are excellent at listening to your partner.
• You have an excellent sense of humor and tend to see humor in events spontaneously.
• You are usually enthusiastic about activities and planning.

Well, apparently there’s no match for someone with those traits at this moment. Even if some of them aren’t really consistent with my answers… I mean, how many times do I have to check off “I really like alone time” and “My solitude is important to me” before they stop labeling me as a people person?

At least now I’m pissed off instead of just sad and crying.

I just wrote a very quick disposable poem. I’m not posting it up anywhere since I may very well wake up tomorrow and think it trite and insipid and idiotic.

In any event, I think I am going to get to bed because I just spent about 10 minutes staring at my monitor - or beyond it, anyway - and not seeing anything… just staring in a quasi-catatonic state. My eyes started tearing and I don’t remember if I was thinking about anything or just letting my eyes burn and tear.

At this moment, I can see the attraction of mind-numbing substances to people who just want to shut off their brains at times like this. I even considered making myself a gin and tonic. While not mind-numbing, it would be a bad habit to develop… so I didn’t. I’m not going to take any sleeping pills either since I will just cry until my eyes are tired enough. It’s not ideal, but at least it’s natural.

I’m not sure if that’s the best way to spell out that particular bit of onomatopoeia. I’m going for “baby crying” sound.

I’m not doing well today. I feel ready to cry at the drop of a hat, and it’s not hormonal. It’s mental and it’s chemical, I guess. It started a little earlier in the week and really came to a crest this morning.

It’s the usual shit I get upset and depressed and distraught about - finances and relationships. In terms of finances, I am doing better than I have been, but it’s tough to think that about the things that I CAN’T have or do right now because I’m still busy paying off the mistakes I made years and years ago. I can’t buy a car or move out and pay rent on a place of my own - yet - because I need to have some savings. I won’t have solid savings until this debt is paid down a lot more. I’ve increased my monthly payments and it’s been fine… but I wish I could just have it over and done with. It’s a horrible weight just hovering over me, knowing that this will continue for another few years. In a better state of mind, I’d be aware that it’s only another 2 years, and maybe less if I’m able to increase my monthly payments even more… but right now, I’m focusing on the fact that I’m turning 28 in less than 3 weeks and that I’m not able to move out on my own again yet.

This directly impacts any potential relationships. I can’t bring anyone over to watch a movie or make dinner or hang out - it’s my parents house. And this has an effect on friendships first and foremost - I can’t even consider relationships.

In addition, even if that WERE an option, I don’t have anyone beating down the door. I was talking with a friend a few weeks ago and he was worrying about the rest of his life and being alone - which is sort of funny because he has girls interested in him that he’s dated fairly recently. Still, because they turn out to be “crazy” or just plain scary weird and clingy, he feels that he has a pattern of dating crazies and that only crazies are attracted to him. I had to call him out on that one since I have expressed my attraction to him and I am not crazy - at least in the same way those chicks are.

And it makes me think - someone who has chicks he doesn’t care for vying for his attention, fixating on him and calling him 10 times a day, and who doesn’t think he’s hot shit worries about being/dying alone. I understand where that worry comes from, but a little differently than he does. I guess it comes partially from knowing what it’s like to be almost 30 and to have never had any sort of relationship, to not have a good relationship with my family that would help ease that other loneliness, and all that comes with lacking that sense of love and comfort that all people want.

I don’t have anyone even remotely interested in me, have been told that I SHOULD play the games that chicks play, told that I need only lose weight and dress a little more provocatively, told that I can’t be an open book… etc. etc. - being alone is a very real, very palpable, and very immediate feeling and worry.

Honestly, I know I’d be OK if I ended up alone in the end - so many people do through death, divorce or other reasons. Being alone in my old age has been the game plan all along… but before I die, I’d like to know what it feels like to be the recipient of affection (and hey, physical affection would be a good thing) from someone who thinks I’m the bees’ knees… and not just a “great friend”, a “good sister” or “good daughter” - and have it come from someone that I feel the same way about.

I don’t want a stalker or an admirer - I want something real, not a crazy person who has an image of me in their minds that doesn’t jive with the reality of me. I’d like to be part of an equal partnership where I’m not clinging and not being clung to… even if it doesn’t work out in the end.

But perhaps it’s just not meant to be for me. Perhaps I’m not going to be truly aware of the meaning of “’tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…” (thanks for that one, Saint Augustine.)

I guess another thing that’s funny is that when my friend was telling me about his worries, I told him that I was 99% certain he was not going to end up dying alone - even if the thing that prevented him from being alone was his old spinster friend Eva and her cats. He replied that he didn’t think I’d end up alone either. But it’s hard to accept that sincerely… though he’s not someone who says things just to speak or because it’s the polite response to make - at least not to his close friends. I have to accept that it was sincerely meant - but that doesn’t mean I have to believe it.

Really… I’ve got a pretty great personality, but I’m no prize otherwise. There are some moments where I’m feeling great about myself and I think that whomever I chose to be with would be terribly lucky. Then I think realistically about how I’m not exactly the pretty thin girl that any guy is going to want to introduce to his friends or family. I’m OK to introduce as JUST a friend… because no one will criticize a guy for having a fat unattractive female friend. There, having a great personality is OK. In that context, you become pretty much androgenous or asexual.

Any guy who’s been called “a nice guy” or has been a victim of the “best friend syndrome” understands that, I think - being disconnected from your gender/sexuality/position as a person with desires. You become “just” a friend. Just a person, without the threat of emotional entanglements, guilt, commitment, responsibility, etc., etc.

When you sit in that role long enough, it’s very hard to even think of yourself as an attractive female, much less an attractive human being. Speaking for myself, I’ve somewhat ceased to care. I wear makeup less and less. While my logical excuse for not buying new clothing is that I don’t want to buy clothing in my current size and want to wait until I lose weight, I know this sort of apathy is part of it. I hate that I don’t care about my appearance as much - but it seems pointless. It used to be that I’d dress up nicely and get all made-up just because it made ME feel good and “powerful” and polished and confident. At this point, those things don’t count. I am so used to not feeling good and polished and confident, it doesn’t really matter anymore.

Pride also keeps me from buying clothes in this size, and my deep personal shame over what I’ve become is really what is driving me to go on the treadmill and eat more healthfully and be conscious of my health. Is it enough to make me anorexic? No. Is it enough to make me exercise EVERY day? No. Five days out of the week? Yes. Is that enough? I don’t know yet. I have to be patient - I won’t see results right away.

Then I think to myself - why does it even matter? I can probably talk myself out of feeling ashamed as soon as I’m no longer living with my family. They’re the only ones constantly reminding me that I don’t need that glass of orange juice because it’s pure sugar, or that I need to lose weight if I want to wear a bathing suit this summer, or that I’ve let myself go and need to “fix” myself.

It’s so messed up. I’ve got the battle in my head all the time, and my external stimuli are equally conflicting since the two groups of people who are supposed to love me unconditionally - my family and my friends - are at opposite ends of the scale. My family (most of it, anyway) harps on me about losing weight, losing weight, losing weight, have you gone on the treadmill today?, will you have a bathing suit that you fit into this summer?, what are you eating?, why are you eating past 7:30? It’s sickening - physically. My friends tell me I’m fine just how I am and that the only reason I should change myself is if I’m unhappy or feel unhealthy. Then my father will tell me that of course my friends support me - they’re going to lie to me to make me feel better… that’s their job, and that it’s his job and the family’s job to tell me the truth about the world and how I am seen in it… that I am a fat girl and that this is going to ruin my future if I don’t change myself.

And I have no escape, other than cloistering myself in my room with the TV and computer and my books as distraction. But it’s only distraction - nothing gets solved. Nothing gets better. At least I can turn up the TV and cry in relative peace.

I’m still really sore and typing isn’t exactly pain-free. I have to do it at work, but I didn’t have work today - it was my second day off for working that weekend a few weeks back.

However, I was up and around driving my mother to the doctor, then running some errands and helping her do some around the house stuff.

Tomorrow is Friday and I’m hoping that I’ll be able to see “V for Vendetta” with a couple of my friends. If not tomorrow, then Saturday afternoon or something.

I ordered a protective skin for my new iPod since the little one it came with was not protecting it well enough and, as a result, it has a sad sad scratch on the face. It’s not deep, and I might be able to buff it out using this auto-glass scratch remover I used on my previous iPod. But the skin I ordered for it is a) lime green!!!, b) made specifically for this size and capacity iPod, c) comes with extra
“grips” on the sides to make it easier to hold, d) has a “thin membrane” to protect the click-wheel but leave it operable and e) has a thin clear screen to protect the screen portion while leaving it open for viewing.

I’ll have it next week sometime. In the meantime, I’ll just watch TV while I use the treadmill. The lack of iPod case means that I would have to hold it in my sweaty hands and that would just be risky. The case also has a belt/waistband clip for just such purposes. I could get the armband holder, but I don’t like having things around my arms when I’m running. It’s just a weird tic of mine, I guess.

OK. My left hand is beginning to cramp up so I’m going to call it a night. Perhaps I’ll feel a little less pain over the weekend.

Though this portion of the site (or any portion of the site, for that matter) isn’t exactly a comment-fest or anything, I’ve been forced to implement crazy gestapo measures. That is to say, I will now only be accepting comments from registered commenters since I’ve been getting soooo much friggin’ comment spam lately.

Anyway. That’s the word on the administrative end. I’m feeling rather horrible and gross and pathetic tonight, despite the fact that this is now two nights in a row that I’ve actually gone running on the treadmill after work and then had a nice healthy dinner.

I guess my expectations at this stage are unrealistic; I won’t see a change when I look in the mirror after two nights of running. I wish I would, but I won’t. And looking in the mirror now just makes me really really upset because I can completely understand and answer all the unpleasant “why” questions constantly floating around in my head. The lack of cheekbone definition says it all.

Oh. Here’s my new favorite German word:

weltschmerz (VELT-shmerts) noun

World weariness; pessimism, apathy, or sadness felt at the difference between physical reality and the ideal state.

I’m still feeling really cruddy and sleepy all the time, but I tried to counteract that a little by going on the treadmill when I returned home from work this evening. I don’t know if it did me any good, but I am thoroughly tired now.

As I have been all weekend.

Time to hit the hay.

I am feeling pretty crappy today - under the weather. I’m sniffly and congested and have a nice sinus headache. I want nothing more than to sleep all day long… but I haven’t. I just took a nice hot bath, though, so I am feeling very toasty and clean. I think it might be OK to wrap myself up in my cozy blanket and sort of “sweat out” any impurities or illnesses that I can. At least that’s my mom’s old world advice.

My wrist hurts a lot, too, so I’m going to get the ice pack and ice it for a while. I might call the doctor later this week and ask if I should see him sooner than the 28th since the pain has not lessened through wearing of the brace. If anything, the pain is a little worse in that it’s constant - instead of just intermittent depending on what I do with my hand. I know the cortisone shot he gave me was not intended to provide long-term relief of any sort (because cortisone shots don’t do that), but that it was merely to help rule out whether one particular tendon was the culprit. I’m totally willing to explore all the other possible causes for the pain, but I’d like to be rid of it sooner rather than later.

That’s part of the reason I haven’t been writing many entries - there’s pain. Also, I’ve been super tired lately, so when I’ve been getting home, I’ve wanted nothing more than to sleep sleep sleep.

Anyway - this week, I’m going to order some books from Amazon: the Rough Guide to Tunisia, Lonely Planet’s Tunisia and the Rough Guide Egyptian Arabic Phrasebook. That way, I’ll be somewhat prepared for the trip in May. I’ll be departing May 23 and returning June 5. It’s not quite 2 weeks of vacation from work, but I’ll take the 6th off to recover from jetlag and that will be a full 2 weeks off of work. I’ll be in Poland from May 24 through May 31, then in Tunisia from June 1st through 5th. It’s not a lot of time in Tunisia - and my father and sister will be there for another week yet - but I’ll make the most of it and plan out an itinerary so I can see some of the more beautiful spots and get some good cultural experiences and photos. I’ve been to Poland before, but I hope to perhaps take a trip up to the Northern mountainous parts so I can get some photos there since I’ve never been to that part.

To that end, I’m going to have to buy some additional memory cards for my digital camera since I’ll definitely want to take more pictures at high resolution than my current memory card allows. I should check those out on Amazon as well, so I can get the books and memory card in one fell swoop.

It’s 6:00 and I could go to bed right now. However, I promised my little sister I’d watch “Capote” with her tonight… maybe I can sneak in a nap for now… and then go to bed right after the movie.

1) My father has invited my sister and I to travel to Poland and Tunisia in late May for 2 weeks. My boss says this is OK - we just have to review details.

2) I’ve been asked by a co-worker to dogsit for her in April… it means I will be living in her apartment near Riverside Park in Manhattan for about 5 days, walking the dog, and enjoying some solitude, while also getting paid for it. Yay!

3) My visit to the 2nd doctor results in six magical words: “Surgery should be a last resort.” He’s given me a cortisone shot into one of my tendons, requested that I wear my wrist brace all the time, and I am seeing him again in 3 weeks to check in on things and see what’s going on. My bones definitely have some weird badness going on, but he wants to explore non-surgical options first… which is SOOO good. I’ve been able to sleep again.

It’s always amazing how stress you didn’t even think you had, didn’t think you were experiencing or didn’t realize just HOW much can affect you physically.

Anyway - back to work.

It’s about 8:30 and this means that I am heading off to bed so I can get up at 5:30 and get ready for my 6:30 MRI.

Tomorrow will be a long long day. Parts will be good and enjoyable and parts will be not-so-good and less-than-enjoyable.

But there’s no sense in speculating now. I’ll just write tomorrow.