Dude, my taxes are DONE.
Yes, federal AND state.
Yes, including my student loan interest paid, 401(k) rollover, and both W-2s.

Thanks to H&R Block Online Tax stuffity stuff and our very own NJ WebFile system, I’ll be getting my refund via direct deposit within the next 8-15 business days. I paid H&R Block the $20 bucks (though there is a free version available) to have it double-checked and go through my itemized deductions via the “premium” edition of the software. I probably didn’t need it, in retrospect, but I feel better that I did.

Rock.

My refund $$$ takes a bit of the sting out of the whole cost of medication thing, which is nice. Too bad I can’t deduct that on the grounds that without that medication, I cannot function and be a solid, tax-paying member of society. Hrm. Perhaps this is an idea…

I drove into work today and the traffic was atrocious getting back home (90 minutes for a normally 20 minute drive), so I missed the optional online component of tonight’s grad school class. I am going to review the reading, though, and get started on next week’s, then pop into the discussion board and post something. After that, I’ll read the transcript of tonight’s class (so awesome…) and see what I missed.

My tummy hurts. Maybe a warm bath and some hot tea will help ease the strange crampiness.

I wanted to make my friend at work a mix CD, but I’m not feeling the creative spark to make that happen. I was all excited about it when I left work, but that long drive home and the tummy ache have stripped me of my enthusiasm. And maybe doing my taxes also has something to do with it.

Ooooh. Violent Femmes are up in the MP3 playlist… “Add It Up” - and I just finished listening to Peter Gabriel’s “Blood of Eden”, Groove Armada’s “I See Ya Baby”, The Killers’ “Mr. Brightside”, Squeeze’s “Pulling Mussels from the Shell”, and Cheap Trick’s “Surrender.” It’s not the most eclectic “random” playlist selection… there’s usually more wackiness in there. But Winamp can only do so much. And I’m afraid of what those songs say about me…

I swear! I listen to GOOD music sometimes (though I don’t think Squeeze and Peter Gabriel call that into question… the rest, though??? I might have lost some friends by admitting to the Cheap Trick thing.)

Erasure, House of Pain (yes, that House of Pain**) and Prince are coming up next. Does that fix things?

It’s time to be a responsible grad school student. Yes, indeedy.

** “I’m the cream of the crop, I rise to the top / I never eat a pig cause a pig is a cop / Or better yet a terminator / Like Arnold Schwarzenegger / Try’n to play me out like as if my name was Sega.”

Just after writing that entry, a song popped into my head. How and why, I don’t know… there was no music playing, the TV was off… but an old English folk song popped into my head. I don’t think we sang it in choir and I know I must’ve just learned it from a movie, but it’s stuck in my head. Here are the lyrics to “Early One Morning”, the song in question:

Early one morning, just as the sun was rising
I heard a maid sing in the valley below
“Oh don’t deceive me, Oh never leave me,
How could you use a poor maiden so?”

Remember the vows that you made to me truly
Remember how tenderly you nestled close to me
Gay is the garland, fresh are the roses
I’ve culled from the garden to bind over thee.

Here I now wander alone as I wonder
Why did you leave me to sigh and complain
I ask of the roses, why should I be forsaken,
Why must I here in sorrow remain?

Through yonder grove, by the spring that is running
There you and I have so merrily played,
Kissing and courting and gently sporting
Oh, my innocent heart you’ve betrayed

How could you slight so a pretty girl who loves you
A pretty girl who loves you so dearly and warm?
Though love’s folly is surely but a fancy,
Still it should prove to me sweeter than your scorn.

Soon you will meet with another pretty maiden
Some pretty maiden, you’ll court her for a while;
Thus ever ranging, turning and changing
Always seeking for a girl that is new.

Thus sang the maiden, her sorrows bewailing
Thus sang the poor maid in the valley below
“Oh don’t deceive me, Oh never leave me,
How could you use a poor maiden so?”

If you go to this site, you can listen to a midi file of the song. Not the best quality, I know - but you get the idea. It’s a simple lilting little melody - precisely what you need to get something stuck in your head.

Now I’m going to have to watch “Pride and Prejudice” to get to sleep. Thank goodness for Colin Firth.

I’m finally finishing up the Beatles book which I set aside about 2 weeks ago in order to read all those Booker Prize winners, the rest of the Chronicles of Narnia and complete a solid amount of crossword puzzles.

So I’ve got Beatles’ songs on the brain.

And some of the familial tension - it would seem - was resolved this evening. Time will be the true test of that theory.

However, something that is getting better is my enjoyment of my hair. These past few days, I’ve grown increasingly accustomed to the new color and I had three co-workers (whose opinions I trust a good deal) tell me that they like the color and the cut and that they would NOT change it. Ok. Cool.

Sadly, I spent almost $100 at CVS tonight on two prescriptions, 4 pairs of trouser socks and some eyeshadow. The socks weren’t expensive. They were on sale, as a matter of fact. However, this was the first time I was purchasing the medication under my new prescription plan. It would seem that since there are no generics for these two pills I take, I pay $35 and $40, respectively, for the privilege of using them. Too bad. They help me tremendously and until I am at the point where I don’t need them anymore, this is a necessary expense.

I was actually going to do my taxes tonight since I have all my W-2’s and 1098s and the like. I actually started them last night on the H&R Block website (which is how I’ve filed for the past two years… I find it quite painless) but then just saved the updated information and logged out since I was stressing over other things.

Oh! I got my first grade from one of the discussion board assignments for my Information Organization class. I scored a 7.5 out of 8; the class average was a 7.36. The professor is getting around to sending each student an individual feedback email, so I’ll find out why soon enough. But I’m always happy when I do better than the class average.

I think I know why I didn’t get the 8. She noted that percentages of points were taken off for people who didn’t spread their posts to the discussion boards evenly over the 7-day period. I posted two on the same day and then two on another day. Not spread enough, I guess. I’ve learned my lesson for next time - which is this week’s assignment. I posted ONE bit of discussion tonight, and I’ll post another tomorrow, and so on through Friday.

Last week, I was discussing (with LJ) the different kinds of tired a person can feel. I summed it up saying that you can feel physically tired, mentally tired or emotionally tired. You can also feel combinations of the three and ultimately ALL THREE, which is the kind of complete exhaustion where you have nothing left to give and can barely form coherent sentences or thoughts. Right now, I’m not physically tired… and I’m not mentally tired. I could do another few crossword puzzles if I wanted to.

I’m emotionally drained, though. Today was just full of thinking about feelings, and feeling feelings and considering other people’s feelings, and talking about feelings and thinking about talking about feelings and how other people will feel about those feelings, especially when they’re talked about. It was heavy, dude. But now I think it’s OK; I’m still completely sapped of any sort of energy in that arena. I have no smiles left. Alas alack and alas yet again.

But I did a good job at a meeting at work today, and on Friday I am having lunch with my boss and getting my three-month review. I look forward to it. Indeed. I’ll get to see where I’ve been and where I’m going… or something to that effect. Whatever that Joyce Carol Oates book is… Where I’m Going and Where I’ve Been?

I own it. I could find it. But not now. Now is sleepytime.

Michio Kaku just had a great line in “Me and Isaac Newton” - a documentary I currently have out from Netflix. Here’s a quick review. And another, that explains more about the other scientists who are featured in this documentary.

These freakin’ brilliant people just astound me. I am filled with awe and admiration. Freakin’ theoretical physicist. Here’s his little bit of stuff I found pretty cool:

Some people come up to me and say, “Professor, what is the meaning of life?” And I tell them, “There is no equation out there that is going to give you the meaning of life.” We create meaning for our own life. We are self-made people. The meaning we find in life, we find ourselves. For me, that meaning of life was to find it in science.

Then he proceeds to talk about how poor his family was during his childhood and how they were all incarcerated in a concentration camp in California until 1946. He watched a lot of science fiction TV shows, but realized he’d never be the captain - but loved the look in the doctor’s eyes who could create rockets and rayguns through sheer force of intellect. Then he tried building an atom smasher in his parent’s garage… but only after he took out the trash.

There’s all sorts of shitty tension in my house right now. There was an argument and some low-blows were cast and now there are two sets of people not talking to one another, and it’s because of unfounded accusations and a refusal to communicate and talk and listen. I’m sooo angry. I’m not at the center of this one, but it’s so goddamn infantile and stupid, I can’t stand it.

I’ve been getting lots of wrong numbers on my cell phone lately - and at really odd hours… 2 and 4 in the morning, 9 on a Sunday morning… they don’t leave a voicemail, so they realize that it’s wrong. But geez - don’t you check the number before you call someone at 2 in the morning? However, they could be drunken misdials. I have to allow for that possibility.

OK. Back to work on paper. I’m still in brainstorming mode. There was an unplanned trip to Ikea with my brother earlier, so the game plan for today was thrown off a little. Ooops.

Tomorrow is going to be a rainy day. I have plans for this rainy day.

I am going to work on my newly assigned paper, I am going to complete one of my other smaller homework assignments, I’m going to modify the CSS and HTML for the book blog component of researchgirl.com (and maybe even write/source some content for that as well) and perhaps do a little poetry writing since I have some shreds to begin weaving together… or at least an idea of a story to tell. It’s a good feeling.

Also, I think I forgot to mention that last night, when my friend and I went to the theatre to see “Brokeback Mountain,” the movie ticketseller asked MY FRIEND if I was old enough to see the movie - as though she were my guardian. Rated R movies indicate that kids under 17 are not able to see a movie without a parent or guardian. She was asking my friend if I was old enough to see the movie with her? Which means she thought I was UNDER 17… possibly… how old???

I turned to the ticketseller, started getting my license out of my wallet and got rather belligerent, saying, “I’ve been old enough to see this movie for 11 years.” (Actually, only 10 years, but since my birthday is in April, I felt comfortable inflating the figure to 11). She replied, “Well, I have to ask…” to which I wanted to say, “You didn’t ask my friend… if you ‘have to ask’, then ask everyone and spare me the insult.” Do it like the chain restaurants do - they have their big “flair” pins that state “If you look under 35, we card!”

I was telling Vin about this tonight and he commented that “most women” would take that sort of thing as a compliment. I retorted that I am not “most women” and that this youthful appearance has been a chip on my shoulder (and not imaginary, either) for the duration of my adult life to date. I can worry that my weight or my height will hold me back in the professional and academic worlds - but those are things that I can change somewhat through diet and exercise or by wearing high-heeled shoes. The fact that I look like I’m under 17 and I’m actually pushing 30? No amount of makeup or cleavage will change that. I’d just look like a slutty teenager rather than a grown woman.

Of course, I have the comfort of knowing that this applies to my appearance only (I hope against hope). The minute I open my mouth, people realize that I’m not a teenager, that I’m past being a college student and that I’m a reasonably intelligent individual, if not somewhat intimidating (which I’ve been told that I am. Apparently, this is because I’m well-spoken and don’t “ummm” and “uhhh” and “like” a lot, if at all.)(Though this aspect of my speech also depends upon the audience and environment. With my friends, for example, I speak intelligently, but also develop the biggest potty-mouth. So uncouth! Not ladylike at all!)

If I could always introduce myself over the phone or via email - through words or speech - I think I’d get a lot more respect. This is typically the way it works at work, but not in personal life. It seems to me that the whole “first impression/appearance” thing is a much stronger factor in non-business life than in business life. You can wear shoes that are last year’s style and wear a crappy shade of lipstick at work, but if you know what you’re doing and do it well, you’re going to be fine. If you commit the same blunders when being introduced to people in a social setting, I think the forgiveness and acceptance are a lot harder to come by and the first impressions are a lot more difficult to work past.

Perhaps I’m overanalyzing. Perhaps not. These are just my little observations and analyses.

I’m watching a terrible/fantastically fun movie I rented from Netflix called “The Sword and the Sorceror” (not to be confused with “The Sword and the Stone). It’s from 1982 and it’s a super-cheesy action/adventure/fantasy - complete with a demon-creature named Zeus or something like that, and a throne usurper named Cromwell!!! It’s very much along the lines of “Conan the Barbarian”, “Beastmaster” or “Red Sonja” in terms of the style of moviemaking, the music, the stock characters and themes. I’m just laughing and laughing. And for those of you who care, there are boobies all over the place in the scenes at the castle and in the army’s camp. Those rebel chicks give it up for any serf, soldier or wannabe-king. Again, more laughing from me.

Goddamn this dry winter weather. My skin is so itchy and dry. I’m going to take an oatmeal bath tomorrow with the Aveeno stuff I bought a few months ago (when my skin was just beginning to feel tight and dry from the weather) and let that do it’s work. I also have the Aveeno lotion with colloidal oatmeal, so I’ll apply that liberally to my elbows and legs (which are exceptionally dry since I shaved my legs two days ago) and I should be able to fall asleep without too much irritation.

Thank goodness I don’t have celiac sprue disease or else I’d be absolutely f-ed - not able to apply anything containing wheat or oats or gluten to any part of my body or ingest anything containing those ingredients either. It’s amazing how many products that I use on a daily basis would be off-limits and potentially fatal if I had that sensitivity.

It’s a little after midnight, so I will get back to my movie. There’s a sword fight between a dude who was thought to be dead and the man who is avenging his parents’ and siblings’ deaths at the hand of the dude we thought was dead. Always a good reason, but full of the inconsistencies consistent with any sword fight… they’re too polite and wait for each other to regain footing before striking again. I know part of it is good/fair swordplay and all that, not hitting someone while he’s down… but how am I supposed to believe that the villain is truly villanous if he won’t take advantage of an opponent’s weakness, after he murdered his entire family and had his troops rape and pillage the village in which Avenging Man was living?? What - filleting him with his sword would be mean?

C’est la vie.

I don’t know if I’ve properly regaled the researchgirl readership with tales of horror from my last employer. Now that I’ve been with my new job-o-wonderfulness for over three months, I think I can 100% divorce myself (or perhaps exorcise is a better word) from the bad, bad, place.

There are more stories than can be retold today. I know one of my former co-workers has something in the works, so I won’t tell too much. However, here’s a brief list of craziness:

1) The boss had an energy healer come into the offices. She sprayed our rooms and computers and heads with tap water over which she’d prayed and then walked around performing signs of the cross, chanting and murmuring, while lifting crystals to the ceiling and breathing heavily. We later learned - from looking her up on Google - that she believes an invisible dragon lives in her apartment/yoga studio and that she can’t wait until she ascends to the next plane because she’ll be able to have tea with her platonic soulmate and spiritual guru who is, unfortunately, in this plane, married. Also, she used to be a lawyer and makes more money as an energy healer.

2) We had a seminar on enlightenment in business. The speaker showed us filmstrips about homeless people and illiterate people, then handed us each a pen that looked like a twig, informing us that this pen is a reminder that all things, people and situations have potential. Therefore, what is a chew-toy or fetching stick for his dog is a useful writing implement for us. It has limitless potential.

3) We had a meeting where the boss poured lentils and Lucite blocks into various jars in an effort to teach us prioritization and time management. Ideally, the experiment works thus: you pour the lentils (representing little tasks) into the jar and then try to fit the Lucite blocks (representing big jobs) on top. When you do this, the Lucite blocks don’t fit easily. If you put the Lucite blocks in the jar FIRST and then pour the lentils over them (filling the spaces around them) this represents what happens if you prioritize your big tasks and fit the little ones around them. Two funny things happened: when she attempted to pour the lentils over the blocks, the blocks deflected a great portion of the lentils and sent them flying and spilling ALL over the table and nowhere near the jar, in most cases. Secondly, when she showed us the jar with lentils at the bottom and Lucite blocks on top, she asked us how we could fix that situation. I took the jar and pushed down on the Lucite blocks, thus displacing enough lentils up and around the sides of the jar to make everything fit rather nicely. “This,” I said, “is what we all feel we’re having to do.”

4) The office had a BAD BAD mouse infestation problem. Every day, we’d come into find mouse droppings and mouse urine all over our desks, inside our drawers, under our keyboards, on our mousepads (no pun intended) and even on our computers themselves. Being a strong animal rights activist, the owner of the company refused to call an exterminator and wasted approximately 2-3 months spending money on human alternatives to extermination or poison. She had our ACCOUNTING person (and defacto office manager) purchase sonic mouse repellants (didn’t work), use humane traps baited with cheese and chocolate (caught about 3 mice, but didn’t do nearly enough - and also, someone had to empty the traps every morning and a certain guy who was customer service manager at that time was too lazy to walk down the street and thus chose to FLUSH THE MICE DOWN THE TOILET and tell us about how pathetic it looked when they were trying to swim against the flow. Then he begged us not to tell the president. Hrm.) and all sorts of other crunchy-ass ineffective methods. Finally, when several of us got together and considered calling the health department, the office manager chick sat down with the president and said, “I understand you want to do this without killing.” The pres was like, “They’re so cute! Look at their little faces!” and the office manager replied that while they might be cute, they pose some rather serious health risks to the staff, not to mention fire hazards if they start chewing on wires. Finally, poison traps were set and the mice slowly but surely disappeared.

5) In a legally questionable action, the president instituted (or, rather, tried to institute a “Positivity Policy” and made everyone sign it. This policy - what she hoped would be a legally binding document requiring us to be happy workers - contained the phrase “grumpasaurus.” In context? Sure! “If one of your co-workers is expressing negativity, ask them, “Are we feeling like a grumpasaurus today?” Yes. That was part of the policy. In the end, we didn’t have to sign it and I don’t think it went in anyone’s “personnel” file. But still. GEEZ.

I think that’s all I’ll write about for now. There are plenty more. Dissolving toilet seats, rancid vanilla, all sorts of excitement. The newest thing, however, that I’ve been made aware of is the president’s desire to partner with an organization called Cuddle Party. Of course, they have a Cuddle Party website.

What is it? Well, here’s a description from their “About Us” page:

“Cuddle Parties are affectionate play events for adults, designed to provide a space to explore and enjoy touch, nurturing and communication. We have regularly scheduled open Cuddle Parties, and are available to run private Cuddle Parties for birthdays, social groups and more.”

They have rules, too. Rule #7 is the title of this rant - that’s right. Rule #7 is NO DRY HUMPING. The rest of the rules are equally… um… oh, just check them out.

Enough of that. I often don’t think that people would believe any of this story if there weren’t many people - employees past and present - to corroborate these tales of woe. Or woah.

So. I was up this morning for the hair cut and color. Here are the results. I am most pleased:

General idea.

To the back.

Focus on color.

Now I need a NAP. And some food. Hrm.
Strike that. Reverse it. Thank you.

I got in after midnight last night, knowing full well I had to be up early today for my 9 a.m. appointment at the salon. I could not fall asleep worth shit.

When did I wake up? 7:00. I’m tired - my head hurts - but I can’t fall back asleep. So, with my mind full of stuff resulting from the movie I saw and conversations I had with my friend last night, I created a new discussion category in the forum.

Check it yo - CURRENT EVENTS!!

The first two topics are gay cowboy movies and lying authors.

So it’s almost 8 a.m. and I should shower and get some breakfast in my gullet before going and having volatile chemicals brushed onto my head to make me feel pretty. I enjoy being a girl.

OK, it’s not going to be some lengthy thesis or anything, but it’s my first assignment that’s not a journal entry or something equally terse.

It’s an assignment for my Intro to Information Policy class and it’s the Policy Analysis and Recommendations piece. We’ve been given a “real world” library problem and have to present our findings and research and potential solutions. Do some policy analysis and then do some policy formulation. I’m actually pretty jazzed about this - it seems like something I will enjoy thinking about and writing.

I even went so far as to order the concise guide to APA format from Amazon.com so that I’ll have that to refer to in writing this. My style guide is from 1998 and there have apparently been several changes to APA guidelines since that time, especially where online resources are concerned. Since those will be the bulk of my reference works, I think it’s a good thing to have the appropriate guidelines.

OK. I’m going to check on my laundry, see if it’s ready for the dryer and get to sleep since I need to be up early to go to the bank so I have money for the movie and food tomorrow night with Elizabeth. I’ll report back with my thoughts on “Brokeback Mountain.” I will be fighting against two things in watching it: my general dislike for Jake Gyllenhaal as an actor (sorry, Jake fans) and my general dislike for movies taking place “out West”, regardless of whether they’re Westerns or not. I could rope in my dislike of that Dawson’s Creek chick (Michelle Williams, I think?) a.k.a. Heath Ledger’s fiancee and mother of his fetus?

But I have heard that it’s really a great movie - even before all the Golden Globe and Oscar buzz started. So I’ll make that determination for myself and let you know what I decide.

I took a sleeping pill at 10 since I could feel the disparity between my physical, mental and emotional exhaustion and wanted to head it off at the pass. I want to sleep - my eyelids are heavy, my fingers aren’t as quick or accurate on the keyboard - and I am tired. On an emotional level, I desperately want the respite of sleep.

But my brain just won’t shut off. I’m not even worrying about big things that usually keep me awake - finances, my weight, my future, etc. - but little things that, while important, shouldn’t be keeping me awake and on the verge of tears.

I’ve got lines of poetry running around in my head and I’m too damn tired to pick up a pen and my eyes are too tired to handle turning on a light and jotting them down in a notebook. I can’t type them… that’s just not how the process works for me. I need to handwrite them first and then I edit and rearrange when I type or have an almost finished poem in my mind. There are phrases and ideas… and those ideas are linking to memories and thoughts that are making me want to cry.

And I just want to shut it all off and go to sleep. That’s it. A simple request, and not at all greedy or unreasonable. I took the pill close to two hours ago and I just have heavy eyes and a dizzy head, but I don’t feel any closer to sleep. So I’m sitting here and typing. When I can no longer hold up my head, I will try to get to my bed and maneuver my heavy head to the pillow.

I’m listening to Albinoni’s Adagio for Strings and Organ. It’s part of my sleep-inducing playlist, but right now it’s just striking me as terribly melodramatic and something that would serve well as a soundtrack in a movie featuring a pale, frail heiress in Victorian England upon hearing that her fiance perished at sea, or some shit.

I am so messed up in the head. Really.

My head is getting heavier and my fingers are beginning to feel like sausages. Perhaps now is a good time to attempt slumber.

It is alive, but not available to the public just yet. I’ve created a second “blog-style” page which I will work on this weekend to make purdy and then launch it (updating links, etc.) to make it the new books page.

Books are near and dear to my heart, so they deserve the royal treatment on my site, methinks. The title of that blog will be, “A Ball of Light in One’s Hand”, taken from an Ezra Pound quotation:

Properly, we should read for power.
Man reading should be man intensely alive.
The book should be a ball of light in one’s hand.
— Ezra Pound

I have the O’Reilly Pocket Reference for CSS here, as well as my arsenal of other web design books so I can make something attractive and functional. It’s always the way, right - form vs. function?

Anyway. Today was a relatively pleasant day - despite the fact that I forgot to set my alarm last night, slept until 8:30 and had to drive into work (not bad - missed rush hour traffic and managed somehow to get to work on time) and drive home (bad - rush hour lasts a lot longer on the tail end of the day and it was crap.)

However, tomorrow is already Thursday and the week will sort of flow by very quickly now. Not that it’s going badly or anything, but only because I have things to look forward to. There’s homework and reading, of course, and some web design creativity brewing, but I am spending time with my friend Elizabeth this weekend as well as getting my hair cut and colored. From mousey brunette to something in the realm of red-head. Elizabeth and I are going to see “Brokeback Mountain”, which has become known as “The Gay Cowboy Movie” in all of our email correspondance: this moniker is tongue-in-cheek.

I am really really cold right now. I ate dinner around 6:45, so it’s not hunger or strange digestion. I have the heating on, too… but I guess I just need to put on some thicker socks and get into bed where it’s warm and cozy and I can read. Yeah. That’s the game plan for tonight.