The three minutes between the penultimate train stop and home are almost interminable. I don’t know why… the rest of the 40 minute train ride flies by… then those last three minutes drag on forever.

I had a lot of work to catch up on today as a result of being out on Friday due to the snow. I pretty much had it under control by lunchtime, but that was due to rapid-fire email and spreadsheet composition and other such activities from 9:30 through 1:30 SOLID. Still, I felt good having a lot to do. I hate being bored - I’d rather have 5 or 6 things ‘coming down the pike’ or ‘on my plate,’ to use the biz-speak, than to be sitting there wondering what’s next.

Also, my business cards finally arrived! Mommy, wow! I’m a big kid now. OK, I’ve had business cards before… actually, at every job I’ve had since graduating from high school. But I never get tired of getting them. I love work-related things like business cards and office supplies and stationery and nice pens and whatnot. Planners and calendars are sweet, too.

I’m planning to have a few of my former co-workers over on Friday evening for hors d’oeuvres and tea and cake for a holiday type gathering. It will give me a reason to break out of this funk a little. I am not cleaning yet today, but tomorrow I will start.

I also got a nice compliment from my boss today about the audio walking tour I wrote last week. She told me it reads really well and that it’s nicely done, so now I get to work on the one for a European city. I won’t name names or anything because I don’t want to run the risk of revealing confidential information on my blog. That’s horribly gauche, not to mention unprofessional.

Tonight’s feel better movie is going to be “Bring It On”, a cheerleader movie. Yes. And I am straight and a female. It’s just hilarious and it sort of confuses me since I was vehemently anti-cheerleader in high school (yeah, I bet you’d never have guessed THAT about me) and yet I find this movie fantastic. Yes, it mocks cheerleaders but also makes them out to be human and multi-dimensional. I mean, the one played by Kirsten Dunst (whom I truly dislike in every other movie and cannot stand) gets with the cute alterna-artsy musician boy. There are other fun things about that movie - two actresses who were in “Buffy” the TV series were in that movie together and there are lots of little inside jokes. Like the fact that the high school is called “Rancho Carne High School”.

I’m singing along to the Rasputina version of “Barracuda.” After this, I watch the movie and get to sleep soon thereafter. Need to put in the extra time at work so I can take my early departure on Wed.

In chatting with a friend online, he suggested that maybe I need to squeeze a stress ball or something. I replied that I have one and that it did jackshit.

me: the only thing that’s ever worked is kicking a hole through a wall with my heel
me: and I can’t do that everyday
me: and I did it only once
me: when I was 22
me: then I had to spackle and plaster and paint the wall.
me: maybe I should just buy some drywall and 2×4s and build little fake walls in the backyard for kicking.

It’s an idea.

I’m working late tonight since I’m leaving early on Wednesday for them there newfangled panoramic X-ray thingies. I haven’t been here long enough to have accrued personal time (tomorrow will be my two month anniversary) so it’s basically me feeling responsible for making up the time that I am taking off.

Granted, I am taking a few minutes to blog, so maybe I’m not as responsible as I think I am, but this will be a short entry. More when I get home. That will be close to 8:00. Oh, my.

I told you it would be a short entry.

I am in a bad way right now.

While doing my laundry, I got in a fight with my brother and he started in on me, dredging up every petty little shit thing he could about me from the past few years - like that I don’t have my own car right now since mine was totaled in an accident during my unemployment over 2 years ago and I’m driving my parents extra car, even going as low as to mention that I am f’ed up and have to take medication and it hasn’t helped me to stop being a f’ing bitch and a moron.

I don’t need this shit. The fact of the matter is that I have NOT had an easy time these past few years - far from it. Unlike him, I didn’t go to school for free for the first few years because of an L.D. related scholarship, I didn’t go to a school that cost 1/3 what NYU costs, and I actually moved out and lived ON MY OWN. He has a new car and lots of money in the bank and no debt because he didn’t have to pay more than what he earned yearly to attend university. Even with my scholarship, I had to pay out of pocket.

Whatever. I don’t need to justify or explain myself, but it hurts and makes me feel like an absolutely hopeless loser because yes, I am f’ed up and yes, I am in debt. Then again, so are most of my friends - at least the debt part. He was on the phone with his friend at the time, so he felt the need to be excessively loud, excessively vulgar and call me a dumb bitch and a “scheister” and other such things as much as possible while yelling into the phone.

I am so angry and so upset and just really all churned up inside. My stomach is all knotted up and I feel like I might throw up. I’m sitting here and crying intermittently and wanting to just slap him across the face or be able to kick a hole through the wall or scream or something. I can understand why the whole primal scream therapy thing works for people.

And, of course, today my little brother and his girlfriend have been abnormally cuddly and lovey-dovey towards one another, so I’m feeling all bitter and alone there too.

I made the grievous mistake of watching “Mansfield Park” earlier and there is one scene where the main male and female protagonists are riding in a carriage. They’ve been friends since childhood and they’ve been separated for a while since the girl - Fanny Price - had to go back to her family’s home in a poorer part of England. They are driving back to the guy (Edmund’s) estate (since his brother is very ill) and sitting in the carriage when he just mentions to her that he missed her while she was gone. She responds in kind and they’re both looking out their respective windows with their hands on the bench of the back seat between them. He just reaches over and puts his hand over hers; she turns her hand palm up and they just hold hands. In my friggin’ emotional loser-feeling lonely state, THAT set me off crying.

This time of year is pretty rough on single peeps who are a little conflicted about their singledom. There are so many things I enjoy about being single that couplehood is clearly not something I’m actively pursuing, but every now and again, I feel I could really use a hug or just being treated like I’m special to someone. Every television commercial and radio commercial just hammers in the idea that THIS is the time of year for someone to show you how special you are to them, that THIS is the time when being alone is the worst thing possible because you won’t have someone to spend Christmas or New Year’s with… and every magazine article about what to buy “for him” or “for her” just rubs me the wrong wrong way.

I yelled at the TV today when they had a Zales diamonds commercial. (I wasn’t alone watching TV, so I’m not as crazy as I sound.) The commercial shows a young couple waiting in the airport and the guy reports to the girl that their flight has been delayed by three hours. The girl says, “We’ll still be at my parents for Christmas dinner.” The guy replies, “We can start Christmas right here,” to which the girl replies, “This place isn’t very Christmas-ey.”

Mr. Man pulls out a long thin Zales jewelry box and presents her with a diamond tennis bracelet. She looks at him and then kisses him in the airport. At this point, I yelled, “Get a f***ing room!!! ‘Ooooh! He gave me diamonds! Now I HAVE to put out!’ GOD! These people are retarded!!!”

I’m going to pull my clothing out of the dryer and put on something stupid like “Dodgeball” or “Zoolander” and try to cheer up that way. I will resist the urge to make myself a gin & tonic since that would lead to developing a bad habit/connection. Honestly, I’m just thirsty and could do as well with a lemonade, so I will do that. I just want something a little tart and citrusy…

I’m a mess. Goddamit.

I feel nauseated. I don’t know if I ate my pizza too quickly or what. I’m not lactose intolerant, as far as I know.

Maybe it’s a physical manifestation of the ick I’m feeling. After we got back from dropping off my parents, I wanted to start baking Christmas cookies since my siblings and I seemed to be in good moods, watching “Mythbusters” together, etc. Nope. The minute I wanted to do something that involved not sitting on the couch or sitting on the couch with a laptop in tow, no one wanted to talk to me.

Oh, well. I’m not going to do it by myself right now since baking with resentment never leads to anything positive or tasty.

I could continue cleaning, but my stomach and head feel funny. I could nap, but that would be ridiculous since I’d have a tough time waking up normally tomorrow. And I want to be on the EARLY train since I would like to come in early and work a little late Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday since I’m taking a half-day Wednesday for panoramic X-rays and other pre-wisdom tooth extraction consultation procedures.

Then I need to do some Christmas shopping. FIRST and foremost, secret santa gift for work. That’s “due” on Friday. Then I know what I’m getting for my little brother, my sister, my mom and my dad. No idea what I’m getting for my other brother and little brother’s girlfriend. And I have lots of knitting to finish. I’d do that today, but I’d fall right to sleep.

Ugh. I’m just feeling crappy and cruddy and NOT full of vim, vigor and pep. I’m looking forward to work tomorrow, though. At least I’ll be forced to be sprightly and active. Speaking of which, it’s time to do some laundry so I have clean attire for this week.

Did I mention that I’m a shitty person since I fell dead asleep during my nap and slept right through until this morning, missing Toni’s party? I have yet to call her and apologize since I feel so foolish and embarrassed at having FALLEN ASLEEP. Lame-ass reason.

Well, I didn’t hack my hair off entirely, but she trimmed it a few inches to get rid of the dry damaged ends.

Now I need to nap. I’m going to my friend Toni’s holiday soiree this evening and I feel so drained I want to nap beforehand… I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I’ve been needing so much sleep. Ugh.

The current conditions from the weather.com toolbar read, “blowing snow.” Does that mean that previous snow is blowing due to strong winds? Does that mean it’s something more than a flurry? Is it fresh? Is it old? The nomenclature has me thoroughly confused. “Blowing snow.”

I didn’t go to work today since it took a solid three hours to shovel the driveway and my street wasn’t even plowed until after noon. There was no way I was going to get to the train station, much less work, safely and at a decent hour.

I slept for an extra few hours and then took care of some around the house stuff.

My doctor’s appointment at 5:30 wasn’t cancelled and since the roads were pretty OK by that point, I went. The roads weren’t that bad - I fishtailed a few times since things were beginning to ice over, but there weren’t any near death experiences. The other people driving on the roads, however, were the most dangerous part of the equation. It seems that mild brain damage or dementia occur when there is snowfall over 2″.

C’est la vie.

Considering that I slept a lot, it’s strange that I am as tired as I am right now. It just became 9:00, and I’m ready for bed.

Granted, I do have to be up early to go to the bank and then do a teensy bit of Christmas shopping. As noted earlier in the week, I don’t have the finances to go hog-wild, but I have a $10 secret Santa gift to purchase, as well as a gift for our charity toy drive at work and a couple of other little things from my family member’s Christmas lists.

Thank goodness I have a haircut tomorrow. I have been wearing ponytails far too often lately since the ends of my hair are such a pain to brush through and style in their current state of ill-care. I’ll probably decide when I get there whether I want to stay long or HACK HACK HACK away at it. I will also take my stylist’s two cents under advisement. That’s an opinion I can trust.

Unfortunately, I cannot go to bed just now. I have been guilted into helping my mother make pierogi in preparation for Christmas. I won’t be much help and will probably just fall asleep on the couch. Oh, well.

By all rights and purposes, this should be on the book page. However, since it’s not part of a list - YET - I’m including it here on its own.

This morning, I decided to switch things up and grab a book I’ve already read but read a long time ago. I wanted something I could polish off between the train ride to work and the train ride home. I might’ve succeeded, except for the fact that I napped during the train ride in.

The book: “Moon Palace” by Paul Auster.

It’s a fairly slim volume - just 307 pages. It reads rather quickly and I remembered within reading the first two pages why I like Paul Auster’s writing so much and why I own his “New York Trilogy”, “Mr. Vertigo”, and “The Book of Illusions.” That’s not his entire catalog of work, but those are the ones I own and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed them all.

In a nutshell, “Moon Palace” is the story of a young man named Marco Stanley Fogg. He’s orphaned at a fairly young age during the sixties and spends his childhood with an eccentric uncle who leaves him an inheritance of 1,492 books which, due to lack of other resources, Fogg uses as furniture in his apartment while attending Columbia. I don’t want to give away the whole plot, but let me mention some key points - he becomes a homeless person, a caretaker for a codgerly and curmudgeonly old man, finds his father - who never knew he existed, falls in love, and retraces his grandfather’s steps to a hermit cave out west.

Trust me - I’m not giving it the treatment it deserves, but it’s so wonderful to rediscover this. The story is still familiar to me, but it’s just sort of comforting to re-read it and still like it as much as I did the first time… or even more since I’m catching things I perhaps did not catch the first time.

Ha! 6-10″ of snow in Northwest New Jersey overnight. I might not have work tomorrow. I will call the emergency weather hotline in the morning and see. I already spoke with my boss today and she urged me that if we DO have work, not to risk anything in getting into the office - that if the weather is crappy, I should just stay put.

I have just 48 pages left, so I’m going to finish re-reading this and then watch “Picnic at Hanging Rock”, another current Netflix rental. The Netflix synopsis is:

To celebrate Valentine’s Day, teachers at an austere Australian boarding school take a group of students on an outing to the mysterious Hanging Rock. Soon after the party starts, the headmistress and three girls go exploring and mysteriously disappear. One week later, a sole survivor returns to school — with hardly any memory of the incident. Peter Weir’s haunting tragedy alludes to several explanations but offers no clear-cut answers.

Sounds a little “Heavenly Creatures”-esque. It’s a Criterion Collection title, so it will also be interesting to see the treatment they give it in the added features and commentary. The menu music is good, so that’s a promising thing already, if you recall my entry from many moons ago about DVD menu music.

I also have to register for my graduate school courses. Finally! My friend Vin was also accepted to the same distance learning program, so we’re going to register for the same courses and sort of create our own ‘classroom’ environment in terms of discussion and such, though I doubt we’ll be hanging out and studying together. I have plenty of time; he has virtually none.

This is quite possibly one of the greatest benefits of being a single person - the amounts of time that become available to pursue your personal desires and dreams when you don’t have to involve another person in your life. You don’t have to feel obligated to accommodate TWO schedules and TWO families/groups of friends and TWO yearly/monthly/weekly/daily routines. Honestly, any coupled person has this freedom, too, but it comes at a price because the other half of a couple isn’t always willing to cede that sort of control and allow for the time to go unfettered by responsibility and “togetherness.” There are some couples that are great like this and both function as single people who happen to be together… that’s the ideal, methinks.

I am drinking hot chocolate that I flavored with some amaretto coffee syrup stuff. It’s lovely. Mmmm. My father, of course, started in on me about the caloric content of hot cocoa, but the fact is that I make it with hot water and skim milk, I don’t like it very sweet so a packet of hot chocolate mix in twice as much liquid as recommended is not too bad, AND it’s not “empty” calories. Hot cocoa, according to recent studies, is richer in antioxidants than red wine or even tea in some cases. I am content with my cocoa. It’s better than a can of diet soda, even if the soda has 1/3 of the calories. At least this is something REAL and warm and vaguely healthful.

If there is spectacular snow tomorrow, rest assured this will become a temporary “photoblog” to capture the loveliness. Otherwise, I’ll just be commuting into work - but possibly taking pictures from the train. That’s sort of spiffy, too.

The conductor on the train home was conversing with some passengers about an apparent rash of suicides that have occurred over the last few weeks on NJ Transit rail lines. There have been 4 in the past 6 weeks or something to that effect. I haven’t been watching the news in quite some time, so it may have escaped my awareness entirely - and it doesn’t end up in Time Magazine on or Google News, my usual sources.

One of the female passengers involved in the conversation mentioned that it was interesting that all the suicides were men - that women prefer “easier” non-violent forms of suicide… quoth she, “I’d just take a bunch of pills and have a nice rest. I might need my body in the afterlife. Who knows? Besides, I want to look pretty when they lay me out - not missing an arm or an eye or whatever.”

The conductor, a female, mentioned that she and the other conductors were discussing this last week after the most recent suicide. She told her fellow conductor that if things got bad enough in her life for suicide to be an option, “I’d beg first. You’d see me in Penn Station with a little cup, going ‘Can ya help a sistah?’ I wouldn’t be killing myself.”

And I thought… sometimes that’s not what it’s about. Suicide isn’t always, “Oh, things are bad financially. Time to end it.” More often than not, it’s because there’s a mental illness plaguing an individual and it goes untreated or the treatment that person is receiving isn’t enough. As far as mental illness portion of the program, I know of what I speak. I also thought to myself that no matter how bad things were for me, I wouldn’t beg. If things in my life were at a point where the only choices I could envision for my future were suicide or begging, I would choose the former. That’s something I can say rather honestly and admit that it would be a cowardly and “easy” thing to do. I would take the easy way out at that point.

Thankfully, this is not something I can see happening or being a choice in my life at any point. The pendulum is swinging in not-that-direction.

There are rumors of a snowstorm for Friday this week. We’ll see if this one comes to fruition since the last one was a cruel hoax. I’m hoping we do get it… it would be a nice little treat.

I brought a salad to work for lunch today. It was lettuce, tomatoes, red peppers, artichoke hearts, olives and then some couscous and parsley. I noticed that I’m a little funny when eating salad and will “save” a favorite vegetable or portion of salad for the last bite so I am left with the lingering flavor of what I like best. It’s almost like setting aside a “dessert” portion of salad. In today’s salad, my “dessert” was an olive. Had there been more tomato, I would’ve saved tomato.

Does anyone else perform this sort of strange ritual with salad or soup or anything?

I got to be uber-creative at work today. I spent almost all morning “beefing up” a pre-existing piece of writing: editing, adding content, researching details and writing. It was lots of fun; I just hope I wrote something that my boss will deem palatable and fit for production.

Here’s another picture that makes me happy. I got another view of this walking up the front steps when I got home and decided to take a picture and capture this image:

That’s our Christmas tree. My family complains because it’s about half the height it usually is, but I think it’s just fine and dandy.

I am a tired and sleepy girl yet again this evening. Perhaps it’s the impending storm or stormy conditions brewing. The barometer is falling and my sinuses are sensitive to such things. My head just feels heavy and I feel lethargic. I can’t go to bed just yet. That would be nonsensical. I’d wake up at 4 in the morning and feel all messed up.

I have three new Netflix to watch, so I think I’ll start with a Hitchcock flick - “Rope”.

This was a rather lackluster day. There was no parking at the train station so I was forced to drive in to work. That sucked because I had to pay $14 for parking for the day. Oh, well. I will try to catch the EARLY train tomorrow and do it that way. I muddled through the day. I did things, of course, but nothing particularly exciting or stressful or worth note, really. That’s a first here, but it won’t last. I already know I have lots to do tomorrow when people start responding to my email and whatnot… the time will fill up with things to do rather quickly.

To that end, I baked cookies tonight to bring to work tomorrow: chocolate marbled cookies. The batter is made with sour cream, and then you swirl in melted chocolate chips and spoon it out onto a cookie sheet with the chocolate marbled through the white batter. They’re cooling in a tupperware with the lid off since I didn’t dare leave them out in the open with my family around. Despite their bitching that I baked sweets and that there are too many fat people in our house for me to even be TOUCHING sugar and butter, the minute those cookies were out of the oven, they were disappearing off the cooling rack and cookie sheets. When I packed them up, my mother asked me, “You’re not taking ALL of them to work, are you?” Ha ha ha.

I brought some work home with me, but I will leave it for tomorrow AT work. That would be the better plan. Tonight, I think I’ll get to bed early - like 9ish - and try to be up at 6:30 tomorrow. I won’t fall asleep that early, but I can be relaxing and getting into a sleepy state.

In order to share something that makes me happy, here are some photos:

That is my Christmas present from Theresa and Kofi - a National Geographic Doll of the World representing China, and a Giant Microbe Bookworm (Anobium punctatum). I positioned them in a state of warm bookworm/little girl embrace. The bookworm now resides at my desk at work near my librarian action figure. The little Chinese girl resides in my room near my other Asian type items, like my sumi brush set, relaxation balls and tea set. Thematic organization. I dig it.

Here is a photo attesting to my decent hair day today. It’s in a ponytail now since I didn’t want hair in the cookie dough, but I think you can still tell that it’s having a good shiny day.

And bedtime for me. I’m going to take a break from the Chronicles of Narnia and the other books I’m working through to read some short stories from an anthology called, “The Art of the Story.” I haven’t read many short stories in my life, so I think it’s about time to get a little more of that under my belt and learn to appreciate (or not) that literary form. Just because I’m not good at writing short stories doesn’t mean I have to hate them. Novels I can deal with because I have no false confidence about being able to write one; the same goes for a longer work of non-fiction. But I’m an AWFUL short story writer, so it sometimes bothers me to see how effortlessly others seem to do it.

Today, my boss and I left work at 4:30 and went to the Empire State Building to take the audio tour up on the observation deck as part of our research for an upcoming project. The view was quite lovely. Unfortunately, I did not bring my digital camera with me and didn’t even think to whip out the camera phone. Oops.

It was still pretty awesome. I think it was the first time I went up on the observation deck, actually. Strange.

When we left, we were discussing the likelihood of a snow day tomorrow and we are in agreement that it would be a good thing and that the timing would be right on. It wouldn’t interfere with any big plans, and would be a welcome little break. So, I am going to be hoping for it, but going to sleep early just in case I have to sweep and scrape snow and ice off of the car. I bought extra gas today to make sure that I have more than half a tank full and so the gas lines don’t freeze.

Tonight’s little tea ritual features Republic of Tea Honeysuckle White Tea. Tasty-licious. It’s very nice and delicate - a great nighttime tea.

I’m rather excited about several upcoming movies… Memoirs of a Geisha, The Chronicles of Narnia, The Producers, The White Countess and even King Kong a little. Normally, I’d stay as far away from King Kong as possible, but I trust Peter Jackson. He impressed me with Heavenly Creatures and then with Lord of the Rings… I’ll trust him with this. I may have to eat my words, but that’s always a risk I run.

My ears hurt a little from the windy top of the building and not wearing a hat. I’m going to take some Motrin and get to bed. And hope against hope and wish against wish for SNOW tomorrow. A significant, work-preventative amount. Not because I want to miss work, but simply because I want a snow day… there’s just something really great about a snow day… knowing that you are absolved from being at work or being responsible in that way. You’re NOT playing hooky, you’re NOT being irresponsible… no one is coming in because it’s just too gosh-darn dangerous.

Oh. I also drew a name out of a bowl today for my SHEGP - Secret Holiday Exchange Gift Pal. That’s our mellifluous acronym at work. I got someone I know a little bit and who should be pretty fun to buy for. I might go the really really surreptitious route and create a temporary hotmail or gmail account and send email to my SHEGP asking silly questions about likes/dislikes so I can select a somewhat appropriate silly gift. I enjoy all these cheesy seasonal trimmings.