Over the past year or so, I’ve been having more frequent “epiphanies” or realizations - the “a-ha” moments in life. Usually, they relate to the past… and it’s not so much hindsight being 20/20, as much as me being a little slow in putting pieces together and really seeing things I should have seen before - about myself and the way I react and respond and deal with things, or how I don’t react and don’t respond because I don’t see how things affect me or just assume that there aren’t direct correlations between things around me and me.

And what does this have to do with calculus (or the Calculus, which I believe is the technically proper way to refer to this branch of mathematics)?

Well, just that math was never my strong suit in high school. I did very well with geometry and most of trigonometry. I got through calculus and took the advanced levels of all the math classes I did take in high school and passed with Bs, but when I got to NYU and learned that their academic plan didn’t require me to take a specific mathematics course if I wasn’t planning on a math-related major, I rejoiced, took the “math for non-math people” course (which was, admittedly, a waste of time) and was done with it.

The point is that I was able to handle the math - but that maybe it just wasn’t the time or place for me to handle it (and I should have stuck with it a bit more in college, yeah). I think I have the brain power for it. At this stage in the game, I find myself thinking that I would be able to understand the overarching concepts that didn’t gel at that time and that no one could explain to me satisfactorily. I was looking for a bigger “why” - and now I’d be able to answer that for myself with a few searches on Google. That wasn’t the case in 1995 or 1996. If I decided right now that I wanted to relearn it all (because I’d have to step back a bit and start somewhere in the middle of algebra 2) I’d probably have (gulp) fun with it.

And some of this extends to interpersonal relationships, too. Having a nice span of time away from my family a few weeks ago really gave me a solid sense of perspective on me - something I really haven’t had a chance to get a feel for in YEARS. Seriously. Like, four years. The only thing separating me from an apartment of my own right now is debt (debt that makes it impossible to afford living solo in the metro NYC area at the moment, but I move steadily in the right direction there). I had two glorious weeks of time to be by myself and spend time with friends when I wanted to and do things when and if I chose to. I was actually happy - really happy, not just content - and felt like myself again.

So another realization - there is a version of me I enjoy so much better than the one who’s usually around (the one who has to put up a lot of bitch armor to deal with everything around her and who has a tendency to verbally castrate everyone - both male and female alike - when she gets upset because that’s defense) and having her around for a few weeks was really very nice. My friends liked having her around, too. She’s still sort of here… I’m really trying to hang onto her and keep going with some of the good habits she instilled in me when she came for a visit.

And now I will stop speaking about myself in the third person because that’s just creepy.