Life’s been a crazy crazy time lately. Part of it is actually being quite busy at work… I was there until almost 8:00 last night. And I’ve got an action packed few days coming up since this weekend is Book Expo America. I love it, but it’s quite different to work a large trade show like this than it is to simply attend and gather up free books.

So, onto realizations:

1. I’ve been too busy to listen to music. Hence, my Last.fm playlist over here is empty. I shall attempt to remedy that now.

2. I take care of the things I value - my mental health, my job, my new car, etc. - but I don’t take such good care of things I don’t value at the moment since I don’t like them - i.e. my physical appearance, my body.

3. I don’t know how to bring back the caring since the last few years have been an exercise in beat-down and self-loathing, supplemented by fun external factors.

4. In another few (OK, in 6) years, I will no longer be in the valuable 18-35 demographic pool. I only qualify it this way since we were talking about this demographic range today at work and it brought my attention to that fact more than any birthday probably would. I am terrified that I won’t have accomplished anything by that time and will fall into the realm of utterly boring mediocrity.

5. I’m not talking about “huge” accomplishments like buying a house, earning my first million, fairy tale wedding, birthing children… or finding inner peace or attaining a BMI of 15. I’m thinking about things like getting to a point where I can go to a store and see a kick-ass pair of shoes I like and not have to think, “Well, I might have some money to spend two paychecks from now.” I don’t need to be a millionaire, but I’d like to feel comfortable with my finances. I’d like to get to a point where I can really call what I’m doing “my career”. That will come with time and experience, I know, especially since the unemployment and subsequent crap job set me back about THREE YEARS. It’s upsetting, but I wouldn’t be where I am without that circuitous path and where I am is still quite good (if stressful as of late).

6. While work is good, I really need to re-develop my life outside of work. If my friends aren’t around (and there are about four with whom I spend time regularly) then I end up sitting around watching movies or reading books. I used to have so many hobbies and be so self-sufficient and able to spend my alone time in wonderful ways. Not coincidentally, this golden period and living in my apartment took place at the same time. I have boxes of crafting materials and paint and watercolor pencils and ink and nibs and pens and paper and magazines I’ve saved to chop up and ideas… oh, the ideas… but I can’t seem to get myself excited enough about anything to actually prompt me to do it. I have the ideas, but not the desire or creative spark, and that’s also frightening.

7. While I thoroughly enjoy the Harry Potter books and movies (along with many other serious adult books and films - I admit I’m still plugging through “Manufacturing Consent” but re-read “Your Call is Important to Us: The Truth About Bullshit” today on the train) I am deeply saddened by the fact that the thing I’m most looking forward to this summer is not a vacation but the release of a movie. I’ve become that person. There’s nothing inherently wrong with being excited about a movie, but when it’s all you’ve got going for the summer — that’s pretty pathetic.

8. I’m being terribly hard on myself lately and quite scathingly cruel as well in terms of self-image issues and the like. It’s beginning to affect the way I do my job and interact with people. I was putting my work ID card back into my purse; I looked at the photo and really felt nauseated for a moment since the photo there doesn’t at all correspond to the person I see myself being. And I felt the need to inform myself of this by saying (to myself), “Why are you shocked? You’re a chubby, ugly girl. It’s nothing new.” and then feeling like a f’ing lunatic for that thought, but still agreeing with it.

Well, it would appear that I’ve got lots of stuff I can get perspective on during my next doctor’s visit, since I am finding myself incapable of shutting that shit OFF and letting myself enjoy anything. I know there’s no easy answer and that I will end up having more questions and things to analyze, but at least I will feel better having gotten those thoughts out so I can hear how absolutely ridiculous they sound, because right now they still feel pretty on-target.