I’m feeling rather low and worthless these last two days due to a combination of running out of my medication and not having the money to renew it until Tuesday (the co-pay just keeps going up and there’s no generic for this one)… and feeling old… loser-like (upon finding out that several people I know are making scads more money than I - and having my brother say, “Didn’t you graduate from NYU? Shouldn’t you be making more than me?”)*

And now I’m the only one in my group of close friends who’s single (or not pursuing the time-consuming law degree that fills the role of a significant other), which in itself doesn’t make me sad, but it does make me feel like more of an outcast than usual… and I feel additionally pathetic knowing that my brother’s girlfriend (four years younger than I) found a new apartment that’s huge and affordable and would be ideal for me in all ways (within easy commuting distance of work, great for one person, allows cats)… if only I didn’t have to use over 50% of my monthly income to pay off debts (and should be paying more, though I just can’t).

It’s my own damn fault; I got myself into this hole and it’s been a long journey out of it… but there are moments/days/weeks like this when I beat myself up over it because I feel like I’ve been doing this FOREVER with no discernible improvement. Then I turn around and go, “Hey - you have a car now… and that’s another reason you don’t have fun money… car payments! At least feel good that you’re able to make those payments in addition to paying off your loans, even if it leaves things a little tight.” Still. Small consolation.

SO…

(1) No medication to provide that mental buffer
+ (1) No money
+ (1) Onslaught of negative and unhealthy thoughts
_________________________________________________
= (1) Deeply unhappy and despairing girl, prone to crying, lacking appetite and wanting nothing more than to do some cleaning and sleep the rest of the weekend away, but lacking the energy to do the former and the restfulness to succumb to the latter.

Just sighing the sigh of infinite resignation for the umpteenth time (though I’m not a knight, nor do I compare myself to the characters in the philosophical treatise… I’m just saying that’s the sigh I’m sighing. Love it up. There’s not much else to enjoy.

* No, but it does mean that I can point out that he should’ve said, “Shouldn’t you be making [I would use earning] more than I?”

Also, I pointed out that he’s fairly miserable at his job and that I still LIKE getting up in the morning and going to work and I still love my job. He conceded on that point - “You’ve got me there. I’m not happy.” I’m not happy either, but I like what I do for the M-F 9 to 5.