I don’t know if this is a regular occurrence for most people, but it seems that I’m experiencing these sort of bittersweet moments more and more frequently - moments where I can be laughing because something is funny in at least one respect, but crying seconds later or inside the whole time because I’m also struck by sadness.

For example, today I was out with Theresa. We had tasty breakfast/lunch at the diner (I had an “Upstate New York” omelette - eggs, sausage, cheddar and pieces of apple. It was incredibly and unexpectedly tasty). Afterward, we did some shopping and that went well - having a friend along is always a good thing.

On the way home, another friend (a guy) called me and we were planning on going to the bookstore later… and I said, “I’ll talk to you later…” and he replied, “Ok - talk to you soon, sweetie.” I sort of yelped, “What?” since, despite being my oldest friend, we don’t EVER talk to each other that way, using little affectionate terms (other than “punk” or “dumbass”)… and because he’s not gay. I could HEAR him blushing and smiling in embarrassment, saying, “Shit - I just said that, didn’t I? I’ve just been on the phone with [girlfriend's name] back and forth between talking to you… oh, shit…”

I told him, “It’s OK sweetbuns” and then started laughing hysterically (hard enough that I was crying) at the thought of him calling ANYONE “sweetie.” I’ve never been present while he’s been in a relationship (while we were in college and just keeping in touch via phone and email) so it seems and sounds COMPLETELY out of character and was amusingly shocking.

But, of course, after I got home and had a few minutes to get over the laughter and sit in silence, I started to fall into that pit of “woe-is-I-the-loser” and, “I’ve never had a boyfriend to call me by an affectionate name.” It’s one thing to have a female friend or a gay male friend call you “honey” or “sweetie” or “darling” or “love”; it’s quite different to have a significant other call you be a name that’s exclusive to you in their life. My brother and his girlfriend are another (though more nauseating) example; they have several “cute” nicknames for one another and have established a private lexicon of sorts.

Now, I’m not saying that I want someone to call me “honey” or “sweetie ” or (terms that I like even less such as) “babe”, “hun”, “boo”, “cutie”, “sexy” or “sugar.”

Note: in looking for anything that would be even worse than those, I Googled “nicknames” and “girlfriend. Try it. There are message boards where people are asking, “Does anyone have a cute name for a girlfriend? I just started dating a girl and I really need a sweet nickname.” Gag me with box of Russell Stover chocolates.)

Then it comes down to this: if I had a significant other, would I find myself not minding the semi-retarded names or would I still feel the same about them? Does this vitriol arise simply from the bitterness of loneliness during the holiday season? Is the loneliness during the holiday season simply a greedy impulse since it means there’s one less person giving me a gift?

Well, I can’t answer the first two, but the last one is a NO. I couldn’t even think of what to tell my little brother today when he asked me what I want for Christmas. I didn’t know and told him to look at my Amazon wishlist. Most of the things on there are things I’m planning to buy for myself at one point or another… so yeah.

I also told my mother that I’m not sure I want to participate in our annual Christmas “breaking-of-the-bread” tradition. For several reasons… it’s based in religious tradition and I’m not a believer. Therefore, it’s false and inappropriate. All of Christmas is based on religious tradition, but I feel that most of it has become so secularized (hello, my Jewish and Hindu friends with Christmas trees who give gifts on Christmas day?) that it doesn’t matter quite as much. But the breaking of the bread is a lot more formal and becomes really awkward for me since I’m forced to come up with someone sincere and inoffensive to each family member.

You see, the tradition is that we each break off a large piece of this communion wafer that my grandparents send from Poland (half of their piece, which they’ve had blessed.) We stand up around the dinner table and make our way around the table to visit every other member of the family. You each break off a piece of the bread and place it on the tongue of the other person (any lapsed Roman Catholic is cringing at this point) and recite some wishes for the coming year.

In past years, mine have been sort of hot and cold: “stop being such a bitch” is my favorite from the recent past, but I also have gotten “I hope that things improve in your romantic life” (meaning my non-existent romantic life) or “success in work/school” (which isn’t much of a wish and is more of a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s the one thing I do consistently.)

Well, I’m going to go through my bag of goodies from today. I made my purchases at my sister’s employee discount day so I got a bunch of tasty books for 40% off. Mmmm. Yummy. I’ve already added them to my LibraryThing catalog.

I purchased:
• The Woman in White by Wilkie Collins (I lost my old copy…)
• Letter to a Christian Nation by Sam Harris
• Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman (the spine of my mass market was getting icky and I love this book too much not to have a readable, holdable trade paperback)
• Brunelleschi’s Dome by Ross King
• Party of One: A Loner’s Manifesto by Anneli Rufus
• The Dogs of Babel by Carolyn Parkhurst
• Fables: 1001 Nights of Snowfall by Bill Willingham
• The Audrey Hepburn Treasures
• Breaking the Spell by Daniel Dennett
• Ella Minnow Pea by Mark Dunn
• Ark Baby by Liz Jensen
• Trivial Pursuit Book Lover’s Edition
• a 2007 planner from paperblanks. Mine has an illustration of a Tibetan serpent wrapping around from the front to the back. It’s rilll purdy.

I didn’t get a 2007 wall calendar yet, but I’m going to get that at Borders since they carry a wider variety of the Cavallini and Co. wall calendars I’ve come to love. I might get a fun page-a-day calendar, but I can wait a little while. I don’t know if I want something thought-inspiring (wisdom of the east), informational (word-a-day), creative (origami or crossword puzzle) or just pretty (famous paintings or something…)

So… I’m ripping some of my CDs to iTunes so I can throw more songs onto my iPod. I added some oldies but goodies - the Beastie Boys “Hello Nasty” and the Gorillaz “Gorillaz.” Right now, I’m selecting pieces from various U2 b-side CDs and such. I’ve been wanting to listen to the U2 version of “Everlasting Love” for weeks and today I was just humming bits of “Hallelujah Here She Comes” and so that’s what I’m listening to now.

And I’m not disappointed with the results of giving into this craving; it’s just as good in reality as the remembered sounds are in my head. There’s a bit of a grittiness to it that I really enjoy. And the simple harmonies are fitting.

I don’t know what’s next on my list, but this will do for tonight. It’s 12:30 and I should get to bed since I have a day full of activity planned tomorrow (making gifts, wrapping gifts, going to the supermarket with mum, etc.)

Night-night.