Dec 15
loseryloserlose
Not a good day.
I’m upset. I need to cry.
I don’t know if I can. I feel dried up and hollow.
I’m having lunch with Theresa tomorrow and maybe I’ll feel better after some friend-time. And book-buying.
Things are just craptastic, really.
Gah.
I can’t believe I let myself screw things up so badly years ago and that despite my best efforts of the past three years, I really have nothing to show for it. It’s so easy to mess up and make mistakes and it takes forever to fix them… it’s so easy to lose control of things and the time it takes to regain control seems like an eternity of one step forward, two steps back - thus, never actually getting ahead. Whether it’s my weight or my finances or my mental health or my living situation… nothing is showing promise or improvement lately.
I guess I should be glad that the things I’ve screwed up in my life haven’t left me injured, ill, dead, or anything. Still, I’m so careful with everything, those wouldn’t be options, really. I’ve managed not to harm anyone but myself. That’s by no means a good thing, but in my twisted mind, it’s better to screw myself over than get anyone else involved in my shit.
Perhaps that’s why I keep everyone at arm’s length.
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