Tonight, my friend told me something that really made me feel sort of crappy - not because it was necessarily a bad thing, but because it made me feel totally ignorant and naive about how I was viewed/treated by the people I considered to be my friends back in my college/bookstore days.

I’m sitting here and it’s making me want to cry as I relive all sorts of interactions and conversations that take on a whole new meaning in light of this awareness… and I feel like not much of anything from that time in my life was real.

Honestly, there was nothing going on - I was working and going to school and shunning parties and get-togethers because I don’t like being around drunk people, esp. when I’m sober, and was really too busy to have a social life… so those years are pretty empty in my mind since I was either writing papers or working retail. Well, were empty since I’m remembering all kinds of shit now. Gaaargh. I feel like I might vomit.

I’m going to watch “Barry Lyndon” now - and then buy a new iTunes giftcard for myself tomorrow so I can download some of the music on the soundtrack. That Kubrick sure knew how to pick music.

By the way, I’m also finding myself becoming perilously close to being a weird sort of quasi-obsessive Neil Gaiman fan. And I’m coming to it in a roundabout way. Most fans of Gaiman came to know him through the Sandman graphic novels, then followed him into his novels and novellas and movies and miniseries. I started with a novel, then a movie, then a miniseries, then a novella, the next novels, THEN the Sandman graphic novels and the most recent book of short stories. Oh, and his blog. It’s a really ‘human’ blog - which doesn’t surprise me, but makes me very happy.

I have a bit of a brain crush here, I must admit. He’s British, #1, and through his novels and blog entries, it’s clear he has a similar (ok, better and keener) appreciation for and understanding of the odd and absurd as I (#2). Also through his writing, it’s quite apparent that he is intelligent and well-read (or does good research) since there are numerous literary, cultural and religious references filling his books to the brim (#3). And he’s funny (#4). He seems like he would be an awesome person to sit down and chat with over a pot of tea.

If only I could find his shifted-in-time doppelganger (a little closer to my age and geography); I’d probably end up a stalker or, perhaps, the pathetic friend with an unrequited crush. Goodness knows I’ve never been that before (the pathetic friend, not the stalker)(to clarify, I have never been a stalker)(really).

Well, that was about five minutes of not feeling shitty since I was distracted. But I’m not now. Movie… book… distractions ahoy.