Despite my best efforts to avoid it, I got an invitation today for my 10-year high school reunion.

•Fact: I will not be attending.

•Dilemma: How - and should I even? - communicate this fact to the organizing party?

The request has been made to RSVP via email. The Emily Post-reader in me says, “You must RSVP - it’s only proper.” The bitter teenager in me says, “Why bother?”

I am torn between simply writing: “I will not be attending” and then my name - no salutation, no cordial anything… just the basics.

Another more socially acceptable option: express a modicum of regret (which would be totally false) and keep it short, “I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to attend the 10-year reunion.”

Another option: give a reason that makes it seem like I wish I could be there, e.g. “Unfortunately, it’s taking place right after some surgery I’m having,” or “Unfortunately, I’ll be traveling for work that week.”

Third option: go all out and provide a totally incredible (as in, not credible) excuse. Something like:

Dear So-and-so,

I won’t be able to attend our 10-year high school reunion since I will be in Africa performing missionary work. And by missionary, I mean the sexual position, not the religious ministry. Just kidding. Seriously, though, it’s not that I don’t like religion, but I’ve tried them all in the ten years since high school and they just don’t work, you know?

There’s too much guilt inherent in the Judeo-Christian side of things, I just can’t get the hang of learning another language or wearing that scarfy thing for Islam, and the Eastern religions are just so much like philosophy that it makes my head hurt.

I see you got married - congratulations! You’ve become one part of paired unit that only really helps you with your taxes and inheritance should something happen to your spouse, or should you feel inspired to pay someone to have something happen to your spouse. Because marriage, at this point, is a totally antiquated ceremony and process. You’re no longer your family’s chattel and I highly doubt there was an exchange of land or political alliance resultant from your marriage. Unless your husband’s family is from Connecticut. But I digress. It’s sort of cute, really.

Anyway, too bad we won’t be able to catch up on those golden years of bad skin, bad mid-90s fashion and music and… um… well, there isn’t really anything else to talk about, is there? We weren’t ever chummy or anything - though I didn’t hate you, so you can tack that up on your list of achievements.

By the way - your use of exclamation points on the invitation was mildly nauseating. Next time, look over the text before you OK it to the printer. Two exclamation points for a total of four sentences (plus date and time information) is entirely excessive. It might have made me hate you - until I realized that you were more of a “math person” and probably don’t know any better.

In closing, have fun! I’m sure you’ll all have a great time!

Ciao!

-eva

I welcome feedback on this issue. Though, in the end, I’ll probably just do the socially acceptable thing and express a modicum of regret, etc. Sigh. What a crock of shit this whole nostalgia thing is.