This afternoon, I went for a hike with my mother, brother and cousin. Technically, I went for a hike with my mother since I refused to spend time in the presence of my brother who was in rare form today, insulting everyone and everything around him as though we were without feelings (or an inner ear or stomach to upset, based on how he was driving.)

So, we went for a hike at the Pyramid Mountain Natural Historical Park. I was having trouble breathing about halfway into it since my allergies got bad; I was wheezing and felt like I was inhaling chalk, then started getting dizzy. It wasn’t fun. Then, I tripped over some roots and got stabbed in the leg by a branch which left a pretty nasty bruise, even through the thick sweatpants I was wearing (since there are ticks and copperhead snakes in them thar woods.) Later on, I tripped over a rock (and it’s not that I’m incapable of walking - it’s that we went on the moderately difficult trail and part of it is literally jumping from rock to rock through a marsh) and fell down - hard - on my right shoulder, since I was very much aware of the excruciating pain landing on my left hand/wrist would cause me. So… now my entire right shoulder is sore and bruised and I can barely lift it. I can’t wait until tomorrow morning; these types of “injuries” are always 100 times worse after a night of sleep.

We got home, ate some dinner, and then I watched “V for Vendetta” with my other brother and his girlfriend. They’d never seen it before (I had) and they ended up really liking it. That pleased me greatly. I really like that movie.

Right now, I’m settling in for the night and just visiting some sites through the Stumbleupon browser extension I have installed for Firefox. It’s pretty jazzy; I’ve mentioned it before and I’ll keep doing it until I find myself getting bored with it. While there’s definitely an ebb and flow to my usage of the service, I find that it’s great to have and when I don’t have it (i.e. at work or when using someone else’s computer) I really miss it. There is a pretty active community of users who join groups and communicate and forge friendships and whatnot, but I’m not really the social butterfly kind - online or in person. So I’m perfectly content just viewing sites and occasionally sending someone a message thanking them for bringing a certain site to my attention.

Tonight, I came across a site for the Shyness & Social Anxiety Treatment Organization in Australia. It lists the following as common social phobias (and I’ve included brief personal comments):

•Public speaking (not an issue)
•Performing on stage (not an issue)
•Dealing with authority figures (not an issue)
•Eating and drinking (not an issue)
•Writing (not an issue)
•Dating (kind of an issue, but not a fear)
•Using public toilets (not an issue)
•Sexual performance (ties into the dating issue…)
•Taking an exam (not an issue)
•Social encounters in general (sometimes)

It’s a little weird; I sometimes get phobic about talking to the gas station attendant, or asking for help at a store. I have no problem presenting to a large group of people or conducting a meeting or training. I don’t mind talking to my boss’s boss or people even higher ranking than her. For some reason, though, I will occasionally seize up when it’s time to call and order takeout food or ask a store whether they have an item I’m looking for. It’s more mood-related, I think, since sometimes I have no problem with it whatsoever. I’m a strange bird.

Now, if I’m going to be honest with myself and with the reading public (however small it may be) I guess I’d have to admit that there is a slight fear involved with dating. But I wouldn’t call it a social phobia. I don’t fear meeting someone new - but I am very cynical about it. I fear that I will waste my time. I fear that I will waste someone else’s time. I fear that I can’t relate to anyone in that way and I fear that it’s too late for me. By the same token, I am fearing it less and less since I am accepting that it might just not be my lot in life.

My mother actually brought this up again during our hike. She told me that she worries about me and my brother since our younger siblings (brother and sister) are both in relationships, while my brother and I are singletons, and have been for the duration of our adult lives (which is 10 years for me, and 9 for him.) We’ve dated very rarely/very seldom/for a short time and not seriously. I haven’t been “out” with someone in… uh… well, I can’t really remember, actually. Something like three years? And that wasn’t really much of a date… since I knew about 5 minutes into it that there was no chemistry or common thread of any kind and told the guy so. He thanked me for my honesty, but still insisted on paying for dinner (though I offered to cover myself!). At least I can’t be accused of using a guy or leading him on… that’s the “honest to a fault” portion of being me.

My response to my mother was that there’s nothing to worry about in my case. I have friends and that lets me know that I am not socially inept and that I will be OK, even if I am a single person. It’s kind of hard to explain to her that it’s FINE by me if I’m alone; I don’t plan on having kids and marriage isn’t on my mind or even a part of my life plan. I’m not discounting it entirely (I could meet someone amazing tomorrow… but the chances of that are quite slim as I intend on staying home all day tomorrow and getting caught up on doing laundry, etc.), but I’m not expecting it, counting on it or planning it either.

I’m installing some new features for the site - like a photo gallery so I can display the Tunisia photos at long last, as well as any others I come across and want to share.

So I’m off to do that. Bon nuit!