I think I experienced actual vertigo for the first time today. I was sitting at my desk at work, and all of a sudden, my computer screen started swimming in front of me. That is to say, I got EXTREMELY dizzy and had to lean back in my chair and close my eyes. That didn’t help, so I leaned forward and put my head in my hands. That didn’t help, so I drank some tea and waited. About an hour later, I made my way to the ladies’ room since I thought I was going to vomit, but instead I just sat on the toilet for about five minutes, leaning my head back against the wall, with my eyes closed and breathing deeply. I started to sweat and felt really feverish and then after a while, the dizziness passed, I went back to my desk and drank water. And I was more or less OK.

In the meantime, Toyota called and told me that the repairs to my car were just recharging the A/C and that it would only be $130. Give or take a few cents. My mother picked me up from the train station and I went and picked up the car. It was nice to feel cool air coming out of the vents, even though it meant I had no horsepower or ability to accelerate.

When I got home, we were getting ready to have dinner for my father’s birthday. First, however, I needed to call the folks at the NY State Higher Ed thingie to settle matters with this loan they told me I owe money on. As it turns out, there was an issue with interest accruing over the past 7 years (since it was a loan from 1998) and then fines and fees on top of that, which is where the ungodly amount of money came from. Thus, this month and next month I will give them $1300 of my hard-earned money and be done with it. I will have virtually no income as a result after the rest of my bills are paid - but so be it. I won’t be going out to lunch or getting my shoes repaired.

We had dinner and then I went to CVS to renew my medicine and get a birthday card for my father, since the one I had just didn’t seem appropriate this year. It was more of a “rah-rah! yay, dad!” card. And he and I sort of had it out this morning, so I thought a “rah-rah” card would be quite disingenuous and basically false-feeling. So instead I found one that said something like, “we struggled through the formative years and now I can say…” [inside] “you were worth the trouble, dad.” And I wrote a little note thanking him for putting up with my trouble… I can admit it and own up to it. I have been far from the perfect daughter, but he’s been off the map in terms of acceptable fatherhood… or as far as you can be without becoming a Lifetime movie or an episode of “Law & Order: SVU.”

There were tons of sappy-ass “Happy Birthday Dad” cards and one especially caught my eye and made me sad. It said:

a father
someone who dreams
great dreams for you
yet accepts the dreams
that you decide to follow
and will always love you
just the way you are
[inside of card]
the way you taught me
not to doubt myself
and trusted so strongly in me
taught me to believe in me

Emphasis is mine. These are not things I can say about my dad. He hasn’t been supportive and he hasn’t accepted my dreams or loved me just the way I am. My entire life, he’s been a proponent of change - and not change for the sake of shaking things up, but change so that I’d become the daughter HE envisions for himself; someone to follow in his footsteps and pay attention to his every whim and wish. To be tall and thin and always made-up and wearing high heels and perfectly put together - a trophy daughter, if you will. Instead, in the past year I’ve heard that he’s ashamed of how I look. SO much for accepting me the way I am and teaching me to believe in myself.

I shouldn’t bitch this way tonight. It’s his birthday - and I should set these things aside. But it always feels so awkward wishing these things because he doesn’t exactly open himself up to it. For example, this morning I was the first one to wish him a happy birthday and I gave him a hug and a kiss. After dinner, my little sister went up to him and said happy birthday and gave him a hug and a kiss. He said, “At last, one of my children said something right.” And I called him out on it and said, “Didn’t I give you a hug and say happy birthday this morning? Have you forgotten already?” - by which I was sort of saying, “so I mean that much to you? You don’t have a favorite child?”

Ugh. Stopping now. There are issues upon issues upon issues in this head of mine. And feeling worthless in general as part of the depression doesn’t make any of this easier to accept.

At least I am moving into the bitterness and anger stage of this depressive episode. That means I’m halfway through it, really. Maybe another week and I’ll be ok (?). I won’t count on it because then I’ll get screwed somehow. It will come when it comes. I’ll wake up and the heaviness will be lifted from my forehead (because I can feel it - it’s like I’m constantly grimacing, except I’m not if I look in the mirror) and perhaps the emptiness in the pit of my stomach will pass too. I could barely eat dinner tonight. I ended up having half of a chicken cutlet and a few slices of fresh tomato with diced scallion, salt and pepper.

Now I’m going to settle into bed. Last night, I started reading One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I am absolutely loving it. There was a great passage I read on the train, and let me see if I can find it… ah, here it is:

“Since Aureliano at that time had very confused notions about the difference between Conservatives and Liberals, his father-in-law gave him some schematic lessons. The Liberals, he said, were Freemasons, bad people, wanting to hang priests, to institute civil marriage and divorce, to recognize the rights of illegitimate children as equal to those of legitimate ones, and to cut the country up into a federal system that would take power away from the supreme authority.

The Conservatives, on the other hand, who had received their power directly from God, proposed the establishment of public order and family morality. They were the defenders of the faith of Christ, of the principle of authority, and were not prepared to permit the country to be broken down into autonomous entities. Because of his humanitarian feelings Aureliano sympathized with the Liberal attitude with respect to the rights of natural children, but in any case, he could not understand how people arrived at the extreme of waging war over things that could not be touched with the hand.“

I guess that’s a pretty Liberal bit of insight there… how can people arrive at the extreme of waging war over things that can not be touched? Wars of ideals and ideas and beliefs and rights and boundaries… even wars over palpable tangible things… like land or gasoline or drugs… it’s just not something I can wrap my head around. I got my new issue of Time today which continues its coverage from last week of the Israel/Lebanon conflict. I’ll read it on the train in the morning so I have a better sense of what’s going on at this point. CNN.com has a very helpful timeline (if you’re like me and don’t want to watch the news because you get fed up with all the pundits and people fighting back and forth about what should be done and not really discussin what is going on and reporting on the matter at hand) that basically lists the who, what and when of things since July 12th.

There’s just too much going on outside of me and inside of me head. I sometimes think I might implode… instead, I’m feeling really dizzy again (almost like I took a Percocet - but I most certainly did not) and I’m going to get into bed and see if that helps.