I feel so shitty. Mentally, that is.

I cried earlier - a lot. For no discernable reason other than the general depressive state I’m in. I went out for lunch with my brother and his girlfriend and even then, I didn’t want to be out among people. They went to the mall and I just stayed in the (hot) car because I couldn’t stand the idea of going in and having people around me.

Now, I’ve been sitting here, staring at the screen for an hour or so, just zoned out and not having the desire/impulse/drive to do anything. At all. With thoughts just scrolling through my mind and no way to pin one down to start writing - and just this overwhelming feeling that there’s nothing to say anyway. I’m all lethargic and anhedonic. Especially anhedonic. And just feeling empty.

I’ve already decided that I’ll have to take sleeping pills tonight because, otherwise, I’ll be up for hours feeling shitty and crying and not being able to settle my head on my pillow. I’ll be tempted to write stupid-ass pathetic email to friends, or I’ll spend hours looking at websites simply to distract myself from the thoughts and feelings I have (or don’t have, as the case may be.)

And I’m worrying about my wrist… and my finances (apartment vs. another semester of grad school vs. possible cost of surgery) and my mental health and appearance and how to find some modicum of happiness in all of this… just enough to help me get up in the morning (but not because of work). I’ve said it before, I think. I’m at the point where the only reason I get up in the morning is because I have to go to work and because work is the one place I feel positive and confident and productive and content. That’s not a good way to be - dependent upon work to provide my personal happiness? I’m aware of it and trying to do something about it… find another place for contentment.

It’s just a dull pain all over and inside. This unhappiness is almost physical. Palpable or like I’m worrying myself sick again. I felt nauseated earlier and just had to lie down on my bed.

What the hell can I do? Nothing right now. I can take my anti-depressant every day, I can take the sleeping pills on those nights when I NEED to get to sleep, I can get myself through the days at work… and do the other things I NEED to do. Because there’s nothing that I want to do. That’s a big problem. I need to take the car in for the A/C repairs. I need to call the dentist. I need to see the orthopedist. I need to renew the registration for the car. I need to go to the pharmacy and pick up a refill. I need to get a birthday card for my father. I need to remember to bring my MRIs to the doctor. I need to arrange a payment plan for this school loan. I need to take care of rolling over my IRA into my 401(k) - at this point I’m waiting for a letter to forward to my new plan. I need to finish cleaning around my area of the house since my little cousin is coming from Poland later this week and staying with us for a month. I need to replace the ink in my printer. I need to go to the gas station and the bank and the shoe repair place.

But there’s nothing I want to do, other than sleep. Even that is just a way to make the hours disappear - to ease the passage of time. I want to escape conscious thought, but I am (as indicated in the title of this rant) tethered to the world. I can’t let go of things and give myself and my thoughts a break from all of *this*.

So I cry because I don’t know how to do it. And because the only ways I can think to do it are so antithetical to my personality and manner of being, I get even more upset - because they’re not me. I don’t escape. I am here. I deal with things, but I can’t deal with this. I just keep saying, “F__K IT” to myself. Over and over - in an attempt to divorce myself from my thoughts. I hope that the harshness will snap me out of it. But it doesn’t. I just keep going.

Ugh. Like now. It’s neverending. I can’t find a beginning or ending point - it’s like suddenly jumping onto a racetrack shaped like a Möbius strip. Right side up and upside down run into each other and you can’t tell the difference between the two. And it never, ever ends. You just keep running into yourself and the same thoughts.

No wonder I don’t want to share with my friends anymore, or even my psychiatrist at times. It’s the same shit… over and over and over. It’s boring and tiresome. And it will keep going until I just as suddenly find myself jumping off the crazy track and back onto the straight path.

I need to shut down. It’s almost 10 - time for those pills and an eye pillow to keep my lids shut.