I just thought I’d mention that comments are allowed, but you have to register. It’s the quasi-happy medium; I don’t get 88 pieces of comment spam asking me to participate in online gambling, purchase v1agra or do other unsavory things, but those who truly wish to comment may comment. I mean, I’m well aware that being a “diary” of sorts, there’s not a lot to comment on most of the time. But I want to invite feedback if there is a desire to give it. Then again, there might be 5 people reading this blog at this stage in the game… I don’t exactly check my usage stats and site counter and live and die by it. This is a selfish exercise… but if other people enjoy reading it like fiction or however we read this new form of writing, then hey - I’m glad. I have a degree in it, after all, and maybe I’ll write a novel someday.

By the way, if you want to comment anonymously (which I understand) there’s a way to work around the registration process. You can use one of your “junk” email accounts (I’m fairly certain everyone has an email account for this nowadays) OR just type in any email address (at) Mailinator.com. From the page:

Welcome to Mailinator™. It’s like super-instant, always-ready, any-email-you-want email. Right now. It’s your personal disposable email account. Here is how it works: You are on the web, at a party, or talking to your favorite insurance salesman. Wherever you are, someone (or some webpage) asks for your email. You know if you give it, you’re gambling with your privacy. On the other hand, you do want at least one message from that person. The answer is to give them a mailinator address. You don’t need to sign-up. You just make it up on the spot. Pick schminky@mailinator.com or funwump123@mailinator.com — pick anything you want.
Later, come to this site and check that account. Its that easy. Mailinator accounts are created when mail arrives for them. No signup, no personal information, and when you’re done — you can walk away — an instant solution to one way spammers get your address. It’s an anti-spam solution for everyone. Your temporary email account will be automatically deleted for you after a few hours.

Also by the way, I can’t sleep. At first, I thought it was too hot… but the A/C is set to 75 degrees. Then I started feeling cold… and I got under the covers where it was too warm again. I started the whole rigmarole of “one foot over the covers/one foot under” and all the craziness we humans do trying to fall asleep.

The TV is off and I am playing some soft piano music from a CD called “Meditations.” It’s not any of the craptastic new age stuff; it’s actually a disc of “classical” music and includes things like “Fur Elise” and “Eine Kleine Nachtmusic”, a few of Satie’s “Gnossiennes”… all the generic relaxing music you’d expect. I’m not saying that disparagingly, mind you - just indicating that it’s the usual stuff. Nothing too complex or exciting because that just doesn’t bode well for sleep.

My wrist still hurts… but I haven’t seen the orthopedist since before my vacation. He’s really rather far away and driving in the heat without air conditioning is not good for me or my allergies. So, I’m going to see if I can find yet another orthopedist within a 15-20 mile radius of my home, rather than 60 miles away.

You know, part of this sleeplessness might be hunger. I realize - in retrospect - that all I ate today was a Taco Bell seven layer burrito and a bowl of Chex cereal. I drank lots of water and lemonade and tea and V8 Splash (that’s the fruit kind - I can’t get behind tomato juice). But I didn’t eat much of anything. I wasn’t hungry and I still don’t feel hungry, but I feel unsettled. Could it be…

Stress? About the future and possibilities and what happens when my credit is bad but I want an apartment? Can I explain that I was unemployed for 10 months and then stuck in a crap-paying job for 2 years? That I didn’t have enough money to pay all my bills on timem but that I have been making payments regularly now through a credit-counseling agency and that things are getting better? Maybe if it’s a privately-owned home or apartment building. Yeah - this is what I’m worrying about. Despite the fact that I know it’s totally futile to worry about it right now since there’s literally nothing I can do about it at 1:43am on a Monday when I need to be sleeping so I can wake up for work. Talking sense to my brain? Yeah… not happening.

Sigh. Too bad the medication can’t take away all my worries. When that occurs, we call it AN ADDICTION, so I’m better off worrying some.

In a way, I’m glad to have the occasional sleepless night; it sort of proves to me that I’m still myself and not some pharmacological zombie version of eva.

Today, since I spent the majority of the day alone with my thoughts, I ended up having a few conversations with people who weren’t there. They weren’t conversations with myself (that’s just crazy talk!) but with people who I am having issues with right now… be they near or far away. I was just angry enough to vocalize the “F-you” and continued talking. Sometimes, to actually speak it and not just say it in my head helps me to stop dwelling on something. So, I gave the f-you to a few people in my mind, indicating that I was sick of their bullshit or “drama”, for lack of better word. Now I can sit back and breathe freely without having to waste precious thought time on them… instead, I can stress and worry about my problems and lose sleep over them! Yay!!! This plans works very well (and I heard Eddie Izzard in my head just then.)

This morning, I painted my fingernails a deep red called “Fishnet Stockings” from Essie. Had I not overslept, I’d have been getting a manicure and pedicure with Theresa and Quincy (visiting from NH). Lo, I overslept. No pedicure for me, but I did paint my nails since they’ve managed to grow beyond my fingertips without cracking or splitting. Is it the vitamins? Is it the Sally Hansen “your nails will be able to split granite” strengthening polish? I don’t know… but I have been good about taking my damn vitamins - something I normally forget do. Horribly irresponsible of me.

It’s almost 2am. Goddamit. I want to sleep. I do. I’ve tried all these freakin’ visualization exercises and attempted to close my eyes and repeat a little sleep mantra. NOTHING. I can close my eyes, but they flutter open. If I put my eyepillow on, they stay closed - but my mind won’t stop. Can’t stop. Won’t stop. Just insert random lyrics here.

I keep repeating stupid thoughts - which I won’t repeat here because they’re that stupid and not worth repeating - and displacing them is proving more difficult than it should be. As is just quieting my mind and focusing on something small and sleep-inducing - like counting goddamn sheep.

Maybe I should just start counting… and focus on the words and the letters. Count the letters within the words for the numbers I’m counting. One = 3. Two = 3. Three = 5. Four = 4. Five = 4. It will get more interesting once I reach three hundred thirty six = 21. Yeah, I’m not nearly enough of a mathematical genius for that to get me thinking about complex theories. It should exhaust my little word-focused brain rather quickly. I’ll give it a shot. Here goes the craziness.