I should only tell my psychiatrist the things I talk about with my psychiatrist.

It’s nothing awful. I went out with my friend Vin today after not having seen him since well before I went on vacation (since he hadn’t seen my new Anna Sui glasses - quoth he, “At least she designs nice glasses; her perfume smells like ass.” So erudite!).

We went to Panera and had some soup and sandwiches and then I helped him with one of his library science homework assignments by visiting a website and conducting some experiments (aka searches). I was the “user” and he was observing my use of the site since this is for a usability class.

When he dropped me off, we were talking since I wanted to mention that my sister’s graduation party is coming up and invite him, if he wanted to drop by - and if he didn’t have a friend getting married that weekend, since it seems everyone he knows is getting married THIS summer. And he mentioned something like that… and I replied that I would do him a favor and NOT get married anytime soon, thus saving him time and money. I joked with him that I’ll also save him money if he ever gets married by saving him the “and guest” portion of my attendance - I’ll come alone.

Of course, being a good, supportive friend, he was like, “Nah - you’ll get married before I do.” And I was able to bring up a conversation we had about four years ago during which we were both single and whining and complaining about couples and he was particularly bitter and single. Back then, he said he’d NEVER date anyone, ever again, and said that I’d probably have a boyfriend in 6 months. Fast-forward to now, and he’s been with his girlfriend for about 2 years now, and I haven’t had a date since that conversation 4 years ago.

SO… his prophecy didn’t come true in that case, so I doubt it will in this case.

Then I was telling him how it’s something I’ve discussed with my shrink… that I’m pretty settled into the singlehood at this point. Of course, my shrink says I shouldn’t say that, “never say never”, “you never know” and all that jazz. The word that registers in my mind is “NEVER.” But I digress. I get all this happy horseshit from them, but everyone who knows me well + my shrink comments that it’s going to be incredibly difficult for me to meet or find someone who will be able to accept me as I am, who will be able to meet me on my level and who will be strong enough to deal with me. Because I don’t compromise, and this is apparently a frightening thing.

A man who won’t compromise is more the norm; women are used to getting into relationships and thinking, “I can change him.” You don’t usually hear from guys who stay in a relationship thinking, “I can change her.” Because the girl changes; the guy doesn’t have to DO anything. The girls try to change the guys, but as most of us know and can attest to, you can’t change another person. It doesn’t happen. It leads to unhappiness and heartbreak. We can only change ourselves… and no well-meaning friend, family member or lover can force us to make this change. Occasionally, and very rarely at that, someone can prompt us to change by making an observation (see also: interventions) or experiencing something themselves that prompts us to think differently.

The rest of the time, ain’t NO one gonna make you change yourself… esp. if you’re a guy. If you’re a girl, you’re expected to compromise (yourself or in general) and be willing to sacrifice certain elements of yourself and your life and your wants and desires “for the sake of the relationship.” If you’re an independent woman, unwilling to compromise… well, you have to wait until an exceptional man comes along.

Vin also said that the trick would be finding someone who isn’t looking to be in a relationship. To which I replied, “Well, then it will never be a relationship because he won’t be looking, I won’t be looking and while we might find each other, we won’t end up in a relationship since we’ll both go, ‘oh, this is so nice and pressure free and comfortable - I like that we’re friends’ and stay friends.”

But I appreciate his attempt to help me see some light at the end of the tunnel. I have to accept it and not rail against it since he means well, and I know it’s because he’s my friend and he cares, and he’d like to see me happy whether it’s alone or with someone… and I think that I will be the person who’s happy alone, with my friends nearby, though I’ll be alone each night.

And with my new Mogu Body Buddy pillow, it’s sort of OK. I have something to hug. It doesn’t hug me back, but I’ll pretend that it’s my really squishy polystyrene bead-filled boyfriend who’s passed out drunk next to me… so he can’t hug me back. Though I can safely say that I wouldn’t want a boy who would be passed out drunk.

“Katamari Damacy” didn’t arrive today It will probably arrive Monday
My t-shirt from spreadshirt.com arrived today. It’s black and it says, “cheerfully efficient” across the chest in silver glitter letters
I’m going to spend the rest of the night (as long as I can stay awake) working on my new deconstructionist notebook. When I was in the emergency room with my mother, I took the rest of the roll of surgical tape they used to tape on her IV needle and tubes. It will make a cool adhesive and trim in this notebook and a nice change from Scotch or electrical tape. I also received my order from amazon.com which contained the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations. This means I can find lots of interesting and useful quotes to use in my notebook - or misappropriate by switching out words, etc.

I was invited to come down to Theresa and Kofi’s to have pizza and watch a movie, but the movie they chose to watch was “Failure to Launch”, that movie with Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker - quite possibly two of my least favorite actors. So I opted out. That, and I’m feeling a little pathetic and sorry for myself, so I’m best off not dragging down the peeps around me… I can just sit alone and be artistic and moody. That’s right.

I’m even wearing black and have Barber’s “Adagio” playing in the background. PERFECT. I know how to set a mood and maintain a theme.