Yeah… so who was talking about transitioning to being a morning person only a few hours ago?

Who was thinking she’d be up bright and early, working on her paper a little before going to work?

Mmm-hm. That’s right. It was me.

Now it’s 11:30 - which honestly isn’t that late in the scheme of things, but considering the nature of the thoughts running through my head and how many of them there are, I’m not getting to sleep anytime soon. I might cry. That’s a very strong possibility.

The thoughts? They sort of run in a big old Joycean stream-of-consciousness mode - a la Ulysses’ final “chapter”, not like Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. Something like:

this is pathetic why can’t i sleep i need to get some rest work tomorrow and work is the only place where i feel i matter since what i want and what i need and what i can do don’t amount to shit anywhere else in my life which is not my own really living at home turning 28 in exactly a week and really have nothing to show for it other than a job i like but still no place of my own and no life to speak of i feel old really old when my mom was my age she had two children and a new life in a new country housewife but that was her dream at the time wanted six kids got four i don’t want any and so i dont feel behind completely because i have a career and education and those are things i value but love would be nice too and i’ve never fallen asleep being held though i fall asleep holding my pillow or my winnie the pooh stuffed animal which is really pathetic but at least its only one stuffed animal not a bed full because that would be scary and pathetic and why is it that im only eating grapefruit and soup because i’m stressing so much and i am not feeling any thinner just more gross and disgusting knowing that boys want to date pretty thin girls that will make other boys jealous and the girls with personality and brains are destined to be best friends and never girlfriends and are the constant the x axis while all the other girls drift in and out like a sin wave or cosine whichever i don’t remember trigonometric functions too well but the graph thing works i’d be a constant line in several graphs staid and solid and there all the time which is why i’m practically invisible and the measure against which other girls are plotted in some categories but i’ll never be a plotted point on my own i’m just the horizontal zero line maybe the y axis vertical is a supermodel and the only time that she and i were ever close was at the origin point 0,0 when we were both just zygotes and then she grew up and i grew out and broadened my horizons and my waistline and now i am the x axis which is marked as personality and brains and she is the y axis for looks and sexuality and i’ll never be plotted along that because i’m down here keeping things constant and how sick is it that my metaphor for loneliness is a graph no wonder i’m single and haven’t been touched by a boy in four years four years and sometimes it doesnt even matter and its funny because when my last and only notevenareal relationship ended he told me i would find someone in six months and that he’d be single for a good long time because he was bitter and no looking for a relationship he’d bet on it and its too bad that i didnt put any money on it because i’d be a really rich girl he’s dated a few people since then and has had this girlfriend for a year and a half or something like that and i am still asking him if he wants to go and have a burger for my birthday since i don’t really have a whole hell of a lot going on otherwise but its ok because my sights are set on someone else who sees me as only a friend so no worries for anyone else i’m busy being pathetic elsewhere and falling asleep thinking about how time is really cruel and ironic and how it never quite works out even when you’ve known someone for years and years and the attractions never quite coincided and it’s the most difficult part of relationships finding someone who likes you as much as you like them when you both like each other at the same time because i’ve been in the bad timing arena all my life it seems and i remember things too well and i remember about seven or eight years ago getting phone calls late at night just because someone was thinking of me but far away in another state and drunk but thinking of me and sitting with someone talking and him just reaching out and touching my cheek for no reason and he had a girlfriend at the time so i guess it was just alcohol again because why else would someone touch me and its good that i’m a girl with some self respect because otherwise i’d take what i could get even if it was just because someone was drunk and didn’t know any better but i do because i’m horribly sober all the time even with prescription drugs in my system that help me wake up in the morning and be functional all day without falling apart crying at my desk when i realize this is me and this is the high point of my day because i have nothing to go home to and no one who’s going to smile when they see me and not even a cat who’d be happy to see me though i know they just love me because i can use a can opener and provide fresh drinking water a glorified poland spring cooler and can opener that will let you sleep on its lap i’d still like a cat though it would be something warm and cuddly and living that would curl up with me whether i’m happy or sad or angry or apathetic to everything but i’m still just very alone and very awake and too aware of everything which is also ironic since this medication usually works very well at keeping a buffer zone between me and the rest of the world because i guess i’m too sensitive to certain things and i don’t mean sensitive like i cry at hallmark commercials or empathize with everyone and everything i meet but i feel my life experience a little too intently and deeply and can’t let go too well which is why i’m seeing a doctor and trying to learn better ways to deal and i usually do pretty well except when i’m stressed and things begin to chip away at my happy happy cheerfully efficient facade and then i just feel like there’s only a bag made of gauze or cheesecloth or something separating my insides from the world and containing my bullshit drama depression whining childishness selfishness though bits leak out since the gauze is porous but the vast majority is contained in this container of my head the only thing i can really prize and the reason that i have any friends that i do and even that thing my brain my most prized possession trait gift is betraying me and the timing is wrong because i should be on top of the world at the top of my game and my brain is all messed up with neurochemicals not doing what they should and absorbing too quickly and not letting me be happy or relaxed and this is the curse of my brain and head and mind that and not being able to sleep but getting this out perhaps helped a little and a reminder note just popped up on my screen telling me that my paper is due today since it’s now midnight and it’s tomorrow and my paper is due tonight and i’ll work on it at work and when i get home and hand it in just in time but i don’t need this added stress but whatever it’s too late to take a sleeping pill and the cortisone shot isn’t helping at all so my wrist hurts but i have ceased to care since it’s going to hurt no matter what i do it doesn’t even matter anymore and that seems to be the theme for me