The universe has an exceptionally well-developed sense of humor where my life is concerned. I’m not saying this makes me unique; there are scores of people whose lives are frought with far more humor and irony, and in much more dramatic ways, than mine.

However, after crying and feeling shitty and realizing I was not going to be able to fall asleep that way, I decided to go online and fill out my “free personality profile” on eHarmony.com… yes, the dating site. I thought that it would either a) give me a sense of comfort knowing that there are people out there “for” me, even if I couldn’t or wouldn’t consider online dating or b) give me a kick in the ass when I saw the “suitors” available and perhaps make me laugh hard enough to get me out of this funk.

Instead, after about 30 minutes of answering questions rather loosely based on the Myers-Brigg personality test, the Jungian personality test and a few others I’ve taken in the past, eHarmony had this message for me:

“eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants to fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.”

It did, however, provide me with these amazing revelations about my personality - while warning me, “Remember, that this profile is a snapshot of your personality at a specific moment. It is not intended as an in-depth analysis of your complete being, but as a tool to aid in self-discovery.”

So here are the goods - my tools for self-discovery:

• You have a strong feeling of optimism, considered favorably by most people around you. Your perception is that the bottle is half-full rather than half-empty. (Really?)
• You have to be with people. This extends into the need to gain popularity, achieve social recognition and influence those people around you. The “bottom-line” is a strong people orientation. (Um. No. Of all people I know, I require the MOST alone time of all… and HATE groups.)
• You have a strong sense of humor. You usually know when to lighten a difficult situation, amuse and entertain people.
• You have a natural, outgoing style that some have labeled as the “natural salesperson.” You are generally likable, talkative and socially assertive. Your primary intent is convincing or persuading people. (Again - NO. I hate doing anything that requires convincing or persuading people, unless it’s getting my friends to see a bad movie with me.)
• You are a natural communicator. You love to talk, offer jokes and make sure that everyone is having a good time. This trait is especially evident at functions and outings.
• You can generate enthusiasm in yourself and in other people. Your enthusiasm, often contagious, involves many people in a social activity who might not ordinarily become involved.
• One of your great strengths is your ability to communicate and talk readily. Since all strengths may be overused at times, you may sometimes talk too much. (Yes - to this I will agree.)
• You show sympathy to the feelings and needs of others. Your natural empathy style may draw others to you. (Not really… I think I’m terribly UN-empathetic and selfish.)
• You tend to enjoy life and share that enjoyment with others.
• You are socially poised and people-oriented.
• You like to gather facts and think things over before offering a strong opinion.
• You are generally good at cooling down tense situations in a relationship.
• You tend to bring feelings of security and stability to a relationship.
• You are skilled at finding “win-win” solutions when conflicts arise.
• You are optimistic and tend to make others feel good about themselves. (Huh?)
• You are very respectful of the needs and wants of other people.
• You are excellent at listening to your partner.
• You have an excellent sense of humor and tend to see humor in events spontaneously.
• You are usually enthusiastic about activities and planning.

Well, apparently there’s no match for someone with those traits at this moment. Even if some of them aren’t really consistent with my answers… I mean, how many times do I have to check off “I really like alone time” and “My solitude is important to me” before they stop labeling me as a people person?

At least now I’m pissed off instead of just sad and crying.