It was just President’s Day weekend. But still - I have a strange compulsion to make “the most” of these three day weekends and not just do my ordinary weekend things.

Unfortunately, this weekend I did just that. Except that I wrote my first grad school paper, finished my group project, did the rest of the readings for the week, watched a couple of movies, hung out with my sister and with my brother and my friend Vin (all separately), and cleaned the bathroom. I also watched lots of “Law and Order” since it was on ALL day today while I was trying to get other work around the house done.

There was some slight family drama. My father threw the old, “As long as you live under my roof you live under my rules” shit at me (because I didn’t “hop to” and do the dishes the moment my mother asked me to). Which is funny, because until this weekend, I’ve been the only child who ever LEFT the home and lived on her own… for a year, but that’s longer than anyone else did. Never fear… as mentioned last week, I’ve begun scoping out apartments along my various public transportation options. The next few months will show me the way financially.

Otherwise, I had my mother throwing my mental state at me in a disparaging tone, indeed. I was helping my sister move furniture in the living room so she could have some space to set up her easel and canvas to work on her paintings for her senior portfolio. My mother said something really inappropriate and bitchy to the both of us, and I joked, “do you want my psychiatrist’s business card?” To which she snapped, “He doesn’t seem to be a very good psychiatrist because I don’t see any change in you. If you have to keep seeing him, he’s not very effective.”

I was clenching my teeth when I told her, “I don’t want to kill myself anymore. I think that’s a pretty good change. Unless you disagree and think that’s not very important, mom.” Of course, she said, “No - that’s good, but you still have a lot of attitude.”

She doesn’t understand the purpose of therapy, apparently. I’m being treated for clinical depression, NOT for some strange attitude problem. A psychiatrist doesn’t perform attitude adjustments. Especially with a mental illness that’s been plaguing me my WHOLE LIFE but which was only diagnosed when I was having majorly self-destructive impulses, the complete treatment isn’t going to consist of 30 cumulative hours of talking and some pills. It’s a little more involved than that.

Nevermind the fact that I’ve been seeing the doctor for almost 3 years, which is not a long time considering the severity of my condition initially. I was seeing him weekly for almost 6 months. Then it was down to once every two weeks. Now it’s just once a month. I still cry in session sometimes - less than I did, but I still do.

Nevermind the fact that ONE thing the doctor and I can both agree upon is that I won’t be able to deal with/handle/”cure” my depression until I no longer live in this environment with my family and parents. It’s nothing but corrosive [my words] and toxic [his words] - just a constant barrage of negative stimuli. Am I responsible for some of it? Yes. But it’s not really possible to stay totally afloat and 100% happy when the people who are supposed to love me and support me unconditionally (my family) instead focus on keeping me “grounded” - which is their phrase for berating, insulting, and generally making me feel like a loser.

They think it’s in my best interests and that it’s going to fill me with the fighting spirit… but that’s what the rest of the world is for… for treating a person like crap and teaching us all how to fight for ourselves. Home and your family are supposed to be the place you go to relax and be yourself. Friends are an extension of that family idea… but they are not obliged to provide unconditional support at all times. They have their own families.

(Shaking it all out. Done.)

Oh, crap. For some reason, I can’t login to my grad school’s library via proxy server and can’t access the database I need to as a result. I’m going to email my professor and let her know this is the case, and also email the IT group. I have all week to complete this assignment, but this is annoying.