I had the best of intentions to get home at a decent hour tonight, jump on the treadmill, run a few miles, take a shower and turn in early. Instead, the 45-minute train ride left me totally enervated and unwilling to do anything beyond wandering around the house aimlessly. I was too tired to cook, so I had cereal (Cracklin’ Oat Bran, to be precise) for dinner. I stared at the TV for a while, but I can’t tell you what I was watching – it was just there and my mind was elsewhere.
I sat down in front of the computer and started researching possible 3 or 4 day getaways – to Montreal or Toronto or Cape Cod or the like (close, but not too close, somewhere I’d want to visit). The idea of a bed and breakfast on the Cape was pretty appealing… and I think I could find interesting things to photograph. Instead, I’m just sitting here thinking, “Man, it’s going to be COLD up there. Do I want to do that?” and floating in indecision because I can’t think or make decisions right now. My brain is tired from trying to tie up loose ends at work.
That’s my own fault, though, for believing somewhere in my head that I could do three months’ worth of work in two weeks. I can’t. I have to be realistic; about a third of each day right now is spent answering email or phone calls or responding to work-friends who stop by my desk to ask, “Really? You’re leaving?” — which is lovely and touching, but I’m stressing myself out over it, and I shouldn’t be.
This is the time to say goodbye and tell people what I’m going to be up to if they ask; it’s actually led to several discussions about Brooklyn and offers (from friends who live there) to show me around, introduce me to the various neighborhoods and such as I begin research for my eventual apartment-hunting (I’ve got a few months… nothing urgent). These are really good conversations to be having, aside and apart from any info I might get about potential new digs.
There’s a book somewhere on my bookshelves called, “Learn to Relax.” Clearly, I haven’t cracked that one open – I bought it with the best of intentions there, too! But I can only do so much in the time I have left. I’ve promised myself I will not stay past 6pm any night, I will not work through lunches, and I will not take on anything new “while [I’m] still here.”
I’ve also got a lot on my mind; any big life shake-up — a new job, getting married, buying a house, etc. — seems to force one to take stock of life. How do I spend my time? What are my priorities? What elements do I need in my life to maintain some modicum of happiness or sanity? What am I willing to give up? How are things going to change? And all the details that go with it. Logistics. Costs. Schedules. Comfortable shoes. To hat or not to hat?
It’s pretty exhausting. There are multiple levels of thought going on all at once; that’s always the case for me anyway, but it’s amplified when 75% of those thoughts stress me out. That said, it’s 9pm. That’s about 4 hours shy of my typical weeknight bedtime, but I feel like I could close my eyes and nod off right now. I’m going to let myself do that and see if a nice chunk of sleep will recharge the old noodle and git ‘er in better shape for the rodeo.