I took a sick day to sleep, drink tea and eat toast and nurse my tummy back to feeling settled and happy. I think a lack of leafy greens and sleep led to badness. I’m oversimplifying, of course, but there is a line one should not cross in discussing health matters.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about things like the value of friendship and how friendships change and how we change and how it’s the nature of things to change… but that it doesn’t make them any easier when the change is not one we’re looking forward to.
A month or two ago, I was getting pretty upset and getting depressed and anxious worrying over an eventuality that has yet to pass, but most certainly will. That anxiety was probably a bit of self-preservation on my part and not unfounded or misplaced, but perhaps a little premature. I do that. I start worrying about things so early that I almost sabotage myself in the happiness department by constantly reminding myself that nothing good lasts forever.
In the last couple of months, other things have come to pass that I did not expect and that I was equally upset about – but I was able to get past them much more quickly since I didn’t have the expectation to live through and worry over and get anxious about (“Nobody expects he Spanish Inquisition!”). They just happened and I’m dealing and that’s that.
But it’s set me to thinking again about how the people I depend upon most are a small group, really. Small and important, regardless of how close we are able to be at any given time period in our lives. And I wonder if I’m open and honest enough with them about how important they are and whether I should be or need to be more expressive of that. Sometimes I’m honestly overwhelmed with feelings of love and happiness when I think about my friends, but there’s no way to capture that in words without sounding horribly canned and cliche. A hug can convey some of it, but that’s not something I roll with naturally… I mean, I’ve gotten better, but it’s still not a natural part of the relationship even with my closest friends.
So the issue at hand: change is the only constant and any day can bring a change that pulls your friends away from you in one way or another. Constant expressions of care and reaffirmation of friendship can be friggin’ annoying and cloying. I don’t want to be one of those people who is always thinking, “Well, I’d better let my friends know I love them because we could all die tomorrow” because that’s just no way to live, but I also know that regret is a bitch.
It’s a question of finding balance, I suppose, and being aware of the good moments so that you can call them out and enjoy them as they happen. That’s a start.