I’ve been having an exceedingly difficult time thinking of words lately. I feel rather sluggish and stupid. Not good. I also have random phrases and words on repeat in my head for no apparent reason. Like today, the phrase, “you will know us by the trail of our dead.” I couldn’t think of where it was coming from, so I googled it.”And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead” is an art rock band, according to Wikipedia. A band that got its name from a Mayan chant. I don’t know the band and I don’t know much about Mayans. So, that’s not it… but I fully admit that I might’ve read about the band somewhere in my musical discovery travels and the phrase could be sticking with me as a result. It’s just annoying.
What’s also annoying is how stressed and frustrated and absolutely drained of life and energy I’ve been feeling lately. And how alone and disconnected, even more so than last week — since the height of happiness over the weekend that came from attending the birth of my friend’s child is making the current low that much lower. This is why I try not to get my hopes up about things; the higher the hopes, the more dramatic the fall.
I’ve been sighing a lot and crying a lot and generally not myself. None of the usual distractions are doing a good job of distracting me; nothing is fun or enticing or interesting. I am burying myself in work and that’s not good either since that’s just stressing me out more. I’ve been through it enough times at this point. I get it. Textbook depression. This is onset. Sleep disruption, change in appetite (loss), anhedonia (inability to find pleasure in things that are normally pleasurable), crying for no reason, aches and pains, irritability, moodiness, lethargy – and I just feel sort of wrong and empty. I don’t know what’s worse – feeling palpably hollow and cold inside or the anhedonia.
There’s no pleasure to be found in books, friends, movies, food, photography, writing, work, sleep, shopping, talking. None of it. Everything feels burdensome and boring. I’m not generally jaded, but lately? Yes. Nothing feels right.
Even this post sucks and feels wrong. I might delete it in a few days when I feel that it’s a waste of time. Because it’s what I do, like a dog trying to kick dirt up over its shit.