… I have been more than a bit taciturn lately.
I haven’t felt much like writing or talking or any kind of self-expression. It’s a nice life-sucking visit from my sometime (mental) companion.
Rather than getting on here and typing up my totally irrational thoughts, re-reading them at a later date and falling deeper into a spiral of self-loathing, I’ve kept them away from the keyboard and reflected a bit instead. I haven’t come to any realizations or found some glimmer of happiness; but I also haven’t logged in and performed the equivalent of drunk-dialing, except I’m not drunk and I’m not talking to anyone.
I’m trying to shake myself of a whole cadre of exceedingly shitty thoughts and beliefs, but this seems totally impossible while I’m feeling the way I do right now. I won’t relive the thoughts and justify them – I’m trying to get these out as WORDS and nothing but words. Maybe I’ll pull a Hamlet (his words, words, words bit where the very repetition of the word “words” renders the words weaker and less meaningful – or at least that was my reading of that segment in college) and I’ll become desensitized to them. They’re basically “you suck, who could ever care about you, you don’t deserve to be happy, you haven’t done anything with your life so why bother, you’re so far behind it’s pathetic, everyone is pitying you because you’re a sad example of a wasted life, you have nothing to look forward to, everything you know is worthless and meaningless, every day is just a distraction to keep you from feeling until you can sleep again – that’s not a life, you’re unattractive, you won’t ever succeed because no one wants to deal with your mental instability and bullshit.”
Except for the bit about every day being a distraction and that this isn’t really a life, the rest of it is irrational and overblown and probably very wrong – and I did talk about that part of it with two friends who assured me that I’m not worthless and that they care about me, providing an external opinion I very much needed. But the rest of it is in my head and I can’t shut it the f–k off (I’ve been dropping f-bombs way too often lately). I’m having a real problem finding some aspect of my life to attach happy feelings to at the moment. Anything that I can think of I can just as easily tear to shreds and deem unimportant and worthless.
So. That’s where I am. Watching movies, reading books, and doing anything I can to keep myself from being alone with my thoughts while conscious (short of drugs and alcohol). The theory is that if I exhaust myself with distractions, I’ll be too tired to fight with myself when I want to sleep. Right now, I’m getting quite tired because I got four hours of sleep last night and worked an 11 hour day (two hours of which were the commute, so it’s not that bad). If I can sit here for a while longer, I’ll be tired enough to fall asleep. And that would be good.