I am in a bad way right now.
While doing my laundry, I got in a fight with my brother and he started in on me, dredging up every petty little shit thing he could about me from the past few years – like that I don’t have my own car right now since mine was totaled in an accident during my unemployment over 2 years ago and I’m driving my parents extra car, even going as low as to mention that I am f’ed up and have to take medication and it hasn’t helped me to stop being a f’ing bitch and a moron.
I don’t need this shit. The fact of the matter is that I have NOT had an easy time these past few years – far from it. Unlike him, I didn’t go to school for free for the first few years because of an L.D. related scholarship, I didn’t go to a school that cost 1/3 what NYU costs, and I actually moved out and lived ON MY OWN. He has a new car and lots of money in the bank and no debt because he didn’t have to pay more than what he earned yearly to attend university. Even with my scholarship, I had to pay out of pocket.
Whatever. I don’t need to justify or explain myself, but it hurts and makes me feel like an absolutely hopeless loser because yes, I am f’ed up and yes, I am in debt. Then again, so are most of my friends – at least the debt part. He was on the phone with his friend at the time, so he felt the need to be excessively loud, excessively vulgar and call me a dumb bitch and a “scheister” and other such things as much as possible while yelling into the phone.
I am so angry and so upset and just really all churned up inside. My stomach is all knotted up and I feel like I might throw up. I’m sitting here and crying intermittently and wanting to just slap him across the face or be able to kick a hole through the wall or scream or something. I can understand why the whole primal scream therapy thing works for people.
And, of course, today my little brother and his girlfriend have been abnormally cuddly and lovey-dovey towards one another, so I’m feeling all bitter and alone there too.
I made the grievous mistake of watching “Mansfield Park” earlier and there is one scene where the main male and female protagonists are riding in a carriage. They’ve been friends since childhood and they’ve been separated for a while since the girl – Fanny Price – had to go back to her family’s home in a poorer part of England. They are driving back to the guy (Edmund’s) estate (since his brother is very ill) and sitting in the carriage when he just mentions to her that he missed her while she was gone. She responds in kind and they’re both looking out their respective windows with their hands on the bench of the back seat between them. He just reaches over and puts his hand over hers; she turns her hand palm up and they just hold hands. In my friggin’ emotional loser-feeling lonely state, THAT set me off crying.
This time of year is pretty rough on single peeps who are a little conflicted about their singledom. There are so many things I enjoy about being single that couplehood is clearly not something I’m actively pursuing, but every now and again, I feel I could really use a hug or just being treated like I’m special to someone. Every television commercial and radio commercial just hammers in the idea that THIS is the time of year for someone to show you how special you are to them, that THIS is the time when being alone is the worst thing possible because you won’t have someone to spend Christmas or New Year’s with… and every magazine article about what to buy “for him” or “for her” just rubs me the wrong wrong way.
I yelled at the TV today when they had a Zales diamonds commercial. (I wasn’t alone watching TV, so I’m not as crazy as I sound.) The commercial shows a young couple waiting in the airport and the guy reports to the girl that their flight has been delayed by three hours. The girl says, “We’ll still be at my parents for Christmas dinner.” The guy replies, “We can start Christmas right here,” to which the girl replies, “This place isn’t very Christmas-ey.”
Mr. Man pulls out a long thin Zales jewelry box and presents her with a diamond tennis bracelet. She looks at him and then kisses him in the airport. At this point, I yelled, “Get a f***ing room!!! ‘Ooooh! He gave me diamonds! Now I HAVE to put out!’ GOD! These people are retarded!!!”
I’m going to pull my clothing out of the dryer and put on something stupid like “Dodgeball” or “Zoolander” and try to cheer up that way. I will resist the urge to make myself a gin & tonic since that would lead to developing a bad habit/connection. Honestly, I’m just thirsty and could do as well with a lemonade, so I will do that. I just want something a little tart and citrusy…
I’m a mess. Goddamit.