researchgirl

*Notes were actually composed in New Jersey, but are inspired by the trip to said island.

Until I get settled, I’ll post photos. That’s what I can do quickly. Like this photo of the sunset at the Majestic Elegance Resort in Punta Cana. Behind us, against the backdrop of the Atlantic Ocean, was an altar and the setup for a beach wedding.

If we traveled about 45 minutes down the beach to our left, we’d have hit Caribbean waters. But we didn’t. This woman was heading that way. Topless. I give her points for mad confidence/not giving a shit.

While we did do some ocean kayaking and went ziplining, I rather enjoyed just sitting around, reading, listening to the waves or splashing of people in the pool, and soaking up some quieter moments that didn’t exactly scream “TROPICAL RESORT!!!”

There were also some more colorful moments, like this young boy who serenaded our bus of ziplining tourists with his armpit farts on the roadside. A little further down the road, we were warned not to photograph another set of boys because they’d been known to run up to the vans and grab cameras right out of tourist’s hands. There was laughter when the guide mentioned this; I didn’t find it particularly funny, but maybe I’m just weird.

More about my recent adventures coming soon.

I was recently on a short trip to Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic to attend a wedding (my sister’s friend from college). It was a nice change of pace in the midst of work travel for conferences, moving into a new place, and being sick with allergies. On our next to last morning, we were up early and saw this normally stylish mannequin in a shameful state of undress.

OK, there isn’t really anything shameful about it, but it’s not everyday you see a naked mannequin just hanging out in front of a shop… that is all.

Out near Chadd’s Ford, PA – in Kennett Square, PA, actually – is a beautiful garden/park/conservatory called Longwood Gardens. It was established by the very wealthy duPont family (yes, that duPont family). From the Longwood Gardens history info:

At the age of 36, Mr. du Pont … began creating what would become Longwood Gardens. He followed no grand plan; rather, he built the gardens piecemeal, beginning with the 600-foot-long Flower Garden Walk in 1907. Although his later gardens would draw heavily on Italian and French forms, this early effort reflected what he termed an “old-fashioned” influence, with nostalgic cottage-garden flowers, exuberant shrubs, rose-laden trellises, and even a shiny gazing ball. The scale was grand, the accessories quaint.

I can appreciate that. His piecemeal beginnings worked out pretty well. I had the opportunity to visit the gardens a couple of weeks ago (yes, in the dead of winter) and check out some tree houses they have on exhibit outdoors, but also visited the conservatory where they have a banana room* (yes) and orchids. If you’re within a few hours driving distance, you should go. You can also hit up the Brandywine River Museum (you can learn about how the Wyeth family was full of ridiculously talented people – N.C., Andrew, Jamie – and how they befriended and married even more ridiculously talented people – it’s pretty awesome) and there’s even a wine trail.

The Orchid Extravaganza at Longwood started the week after I went, but I’m going back to check it out and take some more pictures of my favorite flower. Because a new (to me) macro lens makes everything fun!

* Did you know the banana isn’t a tree? It’s the world’s biggest herbaceous plant. The New Yorker published a story called “We Have No Bananas” a few weeks ago–about a virus that’s destroying the world’s banana population. They mentioned this interesting fact (the herb thing) and the research that’s going in to creating a banana that’s resistant to the virus and still looks and tastes and feels like a banana. It’s not as easy as you might imagine. We’ve been lulled into a false sense of “banana-ness” by the one breed we all eat and know as “the banana” — the Cavendish variety.

Also, I don’t really care. I don’t even like bananas, unless they’re buried deep within a banana nut bread. This was just interesting trivia. The end.

One of the most comforting things to hear as a patient or, in my case, as a family member of a cancer patient, is that the test results came back clear and that you are now considered cancer-free. It doesn’t mean everything’s fixed and easy from here on, but it makes it a lot easier to tackle whatever’s next.

Now that our family drama is behind us, we can get back to “normal” – in my case, back to apartment-hunting so I can shave a little time off of my daily four-hour commute (two hours getting there, two hours getting back). It hasn’t driven me crazy yet, but I am seeing little signs that it’s wearing on me now, after 10 months.

I would like very much to have time to exercise and watch movies and perhaps spend an evening with friends. It doesn’t seem like it’s possible right now, but it never does until it happens and you realize that you’ve gotten to the point you were hoping to get to.

This time last year, I was navigating the weird terrain that is interviewing for a new job while still being wholly committed to your current job, simply because you’ve realized that you have hit the ceiling in your current role, and that it’s nothing that you’ve done or haven’t done… it’s just the way things work in that environment. On your last day, when someone says to you, “It’ll be nice to have a fresh start – no one will know you as having been the assistant”… you smile and nod and think to yourself, “Wow. Now I see where you have me pegged. I was never an assistant.”

But you make sure that you go out “like a champ, not a chump.” I was constantly stressed and depressed — I was losing sleep over living paycheck to paycheck. And then a few months went by in my new job, with my new title and the salary that came with it,  and I was sleeping better. I found that it was a lot easier to be happy at work and deal with stress at work because, at the end of the day, I was able to take care of myself.

I didn’t see that until I was already there and I didn’t realize it was better until, one day, I got home, got into bed, and just fell asleep – no tossing, no turning, no watching stupid movies to distract myself.

This isn’t an attempt to compare the experience of battling cancer to the experience of being unhappy in a job… this is more about changes in perspective and how difficult it is to realize that things have gotten better until it’s really taken hold. Struggle and unhappiness and despair affect every aspect of your life: you can’t think straight, nothing feels right, you’re plagued by thoughts that include words like, “never” and “always,” and it’s not a smooth progression. Things are good and things are bad, and then even worse… and then it’s gone.

I haven’t been reading any self-help books or watching Dr. Phil. I was just thinking about the nature of recovering from difficult times. It’s been on my mind lately… so I’m rambling. And fuck it, I’m allowed to ramble. I pay my hosting fees.

Until I get back into the habit, there might not be matters of great substance up here, and I’m sort of fine with that.

This has been one of those weeks where every day added another drop or two to my already on-the-verge-of-overflowing champagne glass of emotion. I reached the weekend, and there were two options available to me: crack the fuck up or find ways to release all this nonsense before that happens. I tried for option #2.

I saw the pointless-but-pretty sequel to Tron. I cooked some chili (doing something productive helps my mood, and so does eating. Bonus!) Last night, I took a long, meandering drive in my car, without any music or radio noise, and sat with my thoughts. I considered all the things I need to get done, all the things I’ve already gotten done, the things I’ve started but haven’t been able to finish… and thought about the reasons for those. I thought about how certain people and situations in my life make me feel positively crippled and incapable of doing anything.

Today, I’ve been cleaning. Three loads of laundry, getting rid of boxes and wrapping paper and other packaging from the holidays. I’ve started grouping things into boxes so it makes my move into a new place (when I find it) easier. There’s a box of kitchen stuff, and a box of wines and spirits I’ve received as gifts. There are several boxes of magazines to recycle and another two boxes of books to donate to Goodwill.

However, the most cathartic exercise I completed today was also the longest. I spent two hours going through a huge cardboard box full of envelopes and paper… this box was one I’d sort of hidden away and forgotten about, for good reason. Up until just a couple of years ago, I was a financial mess. The letters in the box dated back as far as 2004 — and I found a few documents from even earlier, including an unemployment statement from the state of New Jersey from 2003, and a bill from New York University from 2001. The bulk of the letters were overdraft statements from my bank, notices from collection agencies, statements from my school loan providers or from the debt consolidation company I started working with when I finally got up the courage to do so.

Dear reader — I shredded all of it. I sat on the floor, on a colorful area rug from Ikea, in my pajama pants, and ran each and every sheet, envelope and receipt through my cross-cut paper shredder (I kept the more recent statements that I can’t easily pull from the internet).

I didn’t start this cathartic shredding orgy before opening up ALL of the envelopes I’d left unopened because I’d been too scared or ashamed to look at them for so many years.  I don’t think I could have done that as recently as six months ago without falling into a deep, dark state of self-hatred and depression. Now? Well, I was far from happy to see everything, but I feel like I’m looking at an obstacle I’ve almost completely defeated.

My tendency is to focus not on what I’ve accomplished but on the tremendous distance I still have to travel and the list of goals I still haven’t accomplished. Reviewing this mass of paper (and chucking it into the recycling) was a great purge and reminder of what I have accomplished. I have a good-paying job. I don’t get overdraft notices from the bank anymore. I’ve paid off all my debts — with the exception of one school loan, which has been greatly reduced in size. I have a 401(k) and I was able to look at the statements from only two years ago and compare them to the one I received last month and see a clear and sizable improvement there. And I still have a great many years until retirement, so that’s good.

Things aren’t perfect, and I have a lot to do just to “get to zero” and feel like I’m back on track to getting there.  Today was the first time in many years that I was able to acknowledge that I’m catching up. Of course, other problems arise whenever the old ones are solved (hi, bum wrist and tendinitis in my ankle, strange eye irritation for the last few months and general health issues) but I can sleep at night.

It’s a good feeling.

I did some climbing at Yosemite, and it felt good.

As my friend Malcolm and I were leaving Yosemite, after a day of rain and wind and mild-to-moderate disappointment, the rain clouds began to drop a little lower and fog rolled over the hills. We stopped at a scenic overlook for a moment and I got out of the car to see what I could see.

The headlights of the rental car were still on, resulting in this photograph.

Today was a quiet day. It was a work-from-home day. I wore pajamas until 7:30pm (when I went out to get frozen yogurt with a friend).

When I finished my work day, I watched the newest episode of “Hoarders” on the A&E website. Bliss.

Watching that show always inspires me to get all kinds of clean, organized, and domestic. I’ll spend New Year’s weekend cleaning, but I spent tonight cooking. Having recently purchased an enameled cast iron Dutch oven, I wanted to try it out. I wanted to make a stew of some kind – something warm and filling to battle the bitterly cold weather.

I found a recipe for a Root Vegetable Tagine with Sweet Potatoes, Carrots, Turnips, and Spice-Roasted Chickpeas on Epicurious, but was missing many of the ingredients and was too lazy to prepare the Spice-Roasted Chickpeas (which are a separate recipe entirely).

So I took some liberties. Here is my LIBERALLY modified version:

Sweet Potato and Chick Pea Tagine

• 1 teaspoon coriander seeds
• 1 teaspoon mustard seeds
• 1 teaspoon fennel seeds
• 1/2 teaspoon smoked paprika
• 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
• 2 teaspoons sea salt (divided)

• 3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
• 1 1/2 cups chopped onion
• 3 garlic cloves, minced
• 1 1/2 tablespoons tomato paste
• 1 1/4 cups carrots, peeled and diced
• 1 celery stalk, chopped

• 4 cups water
• 1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
• 1 1/4 pounds sweet potatoes, peeled, cut into 1-inch cubes
• 3/4 cup brine-cured green olives, pitted, coarsely chopped
• 1 large (or 2 medium) tomato, diced
• 1 can chick peas (aka garbanzo beans), drained and rinsed thoroughly
• 2 tablespoons sun-dried tomatoes (not oil-packed), chopped
• 1/4 cup dried cranberries
• 1 tablespoon orange peel
• 3 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro
• 1 teaspoon dried mint

1. Toast the coriander, mustard and fennel seeds in a small frying pan or pot over medium heat until they begin to brown and pop, about 2 minutes. Let them cool and then grind them up – either in a food mill, mini food processor or with mortar and pestle. Pop them into a small bowl and add the smoked paprika, ginger and teaspoon of salt. Here’s my mortar and pestle shot…



2. Heat the olive oil in a large, heavy pot over medium-high heat. Add the diced onion and sprinkle with about a 1/2 teaspoon of salt; sauté until onion softens, about 5 minutes. Add the toasted spices, minced garlic, and tomato paste; stir 1 minute. Add carrots and celery; stir 2 minutes.
3. Add 4 cups water, lemon juice, sweet potatoes, olives, chick peas, diced tomato and sun-dried tomato bits. Lower the heat, leave the lid a bit open, and let those simmer together until the sweet potatoes are tender, stirring occasionally. About 10-15 minutes into the simmering, add the dried cranberries and orange peel. Total time to cook to the proper tenderness should be about 35 minutes.
4. Remove from heat and add the cilantro and mint. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Let stand for about 10 minutes to let the flavors blend.
5. Serve over couscous or quinoa (or with garlic naan from Trader Joe’s — that’s what I did because I had some handy).

The finished product.